I keep seeing threads full of people saying 'when you know, you know'. Well, once upon a time, I 'knew', too. I thought that our 'love (lust?) at first sight' was what people talked about. I couldn't wait to marry him. We planned to buy property. We looked at rings. We discussed countries we planned to live in. Distributed holidays between families. Planned some of the wedding. And then we broke up because it turned out my 'knowing' was me being so in love that I ignored every single sign of incompatibility. A couple of years in, it was like the honeymoon phase wore off and I couldn't imagine marrying him anymore. I was looking at this man and feeling shocked that I ever even considered it. But.. it started off as a 'when you know, you know'. I was more sure about him that I ever have about anyone else, before or after.
I have become very skeptical when reading such stories now. Anyone else?
21 comments
All of them. I realize I know nothing now.
“When you know, you know” often describes intensity and certainty in the moment, not long-term compatibility, and those aren’t the same thing.
Early certainty can come from chemistry, timing, hope, or projection, and it can be real and still miss deeper mismatches that only show up once the honeymoon fades.
Becoming skeptical after living that is actually a sign of emotional maturity, not cynicism .. you learned that knowing someone deeply matters more than knowing quickly.
You’re not alone. “When you know, you know” often describes intensity, not compatibility. Sometimes it’s real clarity, and sometimes it’s chemistry + hope that makes us overlook red flags. Real knowing usually comes after time, conflict, and seeing how you function together long-term. The fact that you can see this now means you’ve grown, not that you were wrong or naive back then.
Yeah. You don’t *really* know when you know, you know? It’s just a feeling.
It takes years to figure out how to make a pragmatic decision over infatuation. You either make plenty of mistakes or you get it right the first time, but then people win the lottery on occasion too.
One. I still know, too. Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Your greatest love isn’t always the one you end up with.
That advice always seemed too vague.
Look, even if you wait, and you think you know, you don’t really know, really.
Illness, disease, infidelity, simply falling out of love, etc. happen with couples who are married after 5 weeks or 5 years. It’s all a gamble.
*When you really WANT to believe, you will trick yourself into believing you KNOW*
Yes. I knew he was the one from the moment I laid eyes on him. Looking back I was in love, but I was too young and dumb to see it. I was only 18 he was 23. I remember going on our first date. I was smitten. He came and picked me up in his Prius. I didn’t have a car so I felt so cool and happy. Swooning over him. He took me to a buffet. A BUFFET.
After our date, he made it a point to say he wanted to walk me to my door, he GOT OUT of his car in order to walk me to the door and we had a magical first kiss on my parents doorstep.
He made me feel like a million bucks.
I remember feeling like I was too ugly or fat for him, I started to doubt and question it.
I ended up thinking “there’s no way a guy THIS hot could be attracted to ME”
I told my mom he only wanted sex and broke things off with him. 😭
I remember feeling so much regret many years later looking back on all our memories and hanging out with him how absolutely comfortable I felt.
We reconnected this past year over facebook and I told him he was my first love. He said it was really sweet of me to say. He now has a partner and a son but I told him all of this too and how I feel.
We’re still good friends now to this day. And I still feel madly in love with him. I’m happy for him and his partner and I (of course) only want the best for him.
We message each other every once in awhile through facebook.
He still brings me peace and happiness like many others have not. Almost no one compares. I’m just grateful he’s in my life.
Yeah, I think there’s 2 interpretations of “when you know you know”.
1. When you know, you know the feeling you get with this person. It’s unlike anything you’ve experienced before and you don’t believe you’ll experience it after so they must be the one. This is usually the version that fails because feelings alone will never be strong enough to withstand the storms of hardship.
2. When you know, you know when you’ve met the person whose presence and spirit speak to yours in a way that inspires a willingness to consider them in a way you didn’t think you could consider another. You know you’re willing to put in the work to be a better person for both of your sakes, and you know because of what you’ve been through together.
Something I thoroughly believe when it concerns potentially marrying someone: your relationship must be tested in some way. Life hardship, an uncomfortable discussion, a bad fight/argument, etc…is a requirement that all couples should endure before marrying, because it will show you evidence of whether or not the relationship has the foundation to be sustainable or if the foundation is faulty.
I thought I was going to marry my last partner. I saved for 3 years to buy her a ring, we knew each others families, we split holidays, we traveled, we lived together for over a year, we moved states, we met each others childhood friends, we did it all.
The first two years before we moved in together I felt so sure I had my forever person. Things went slow, it was the healthiest relationship I’d ever been in, we had similar values, etc.
But once we moved in together in the third year things got rocky. We thought we were a strong enough couple to survive it, and we tried. But ultimately when we moved states and started new chapters of our lives we realized we’re two incredibly different people. And we wanted completely different things for ourselves. We didn’t align anymore.
Ofc there was drama but that’s not important here. As sad as I am, every move in that relationship felt like the right one. Getting together, big relationship moves, the break up. It happened how it was supposed to and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I think it taught me that I am ready for love, I’m callable of being a great partner, I just need to find the right person to share that with. I think it kind of made me see love as less of a thing that happens to you and more of a thing you choose.
And I bc this wasn’t “the one” doesn’t mean it was a waste. It taught me so much.
Sounds like you get infatuated with the idea of people and not who they actually are.
You should probably talk to a therapist about this. People that are emotionally driven are a red flag.
Can you mention a couple of the red flags that finally ticked you off?
First marriage. Ended fine, though.
Not to sound extremely jaded but nothing is constant and everyone changes over time. Couples who have been together happily for decades have only done so with work and putting in effort and a willingness to adapt with each other. There is pretty much no such thing as an effortless relationship.
Yes. One dumped me bc he wanted to hop up with more women. The other dumped me bc he was cheating on me. I’m working on learning to read the signs & grow my intuition.
Still dealing with the aftermath of this, six months later. Everything was great and then it just… fizzled.
My “when you know, you know” relationship lasted a month. It was the type of flame that burns very brightly but only for a short time. I opened myself up to him in ways that I always thought I would be too afraid to do with anyone. I allowed myself to get deeply invested because I thought I was safe. I thought I was done searching for the unidentifiable thing that I had yearned for all my life.
That feeling turned out to be blind hope.
Yup. Was married fifteen years before I finally gave up trying to make it work. In reality neither of us was really emotionally ready, and we were totally incompatible.
For me “the spark” and “when you know, you know” are a red flag for me. Can’t trust my intuation on that one anymore, just gotta date slow. Cool if these things work for other people, i got burned by it.