For context, my SO and I have been together since end of 2023.
He is significantly avoidant-attached and as a consequence of it, our sex life has pretty much become non-existent since mid of 2025. I’d also add that both of us are at our worst physical shapes ever and our height difference (he’s 6’2 and I’m 5’1) has made it sometimes tricky (the times when everything went smoothly, it was quite satisfying). Plus he has added stress of his current living conditions and his job.
A few months before we got together, he spent ~2 months with a girl from his school days – they weren’t officially in relationship, it was mostly hanging out with a lot of sex involved (including threesomes and a reverse gangbang). All of the sexual encounters were planned and initiated by the girl and he just went along with it (even at times when he felt uncomfortable – in his own words).
At the end, he initiated a conversation and broke it off with her citing the fact that he won’t be able to handle a relationship with her (distance was one of the reasons plus his felt his attachment style and behaviour would never make it work). Also he mentioned that he got bored of the sex and didn’t want to do it anymore by the end.
Keep in mind, we had started talking before this and were close friends before, during and after all this, so I knew about everything. He was the one who approached me as a friend because he thought we were similar and helped me through a falling out within our uni friends group at the time. We pretty much quickly realised we’re very similar to each other. I wasn’t planning to confess that I liked him, because one, I didn’t think he reciprocated anything beyond best friends plus I had a sort of situationship (which I had outgrown and was in it’s last stages) at the time. But one thing led to another and he essentially coaxed out the truth about how I feel out of me. That’s when I found out that he very much reciprocated and both of us instantly agreed to be together.
After getting together, I quickly realised the truth about his attachment – it was almost non-existent before we entered the relationship (which in hindsight deceived me a lot). He doesn’t know how to have sex except essentially emulating what happens in porn and some “techniques”. As far as I have observed, he’s pretty bad at even kissing/making out as well as sensually touching the other person, let alone full blown sex.
Initially I thought he was still hung up over the girl from his past and hence I asked about it. I understood very quickly that he found his ex very physically attractive (he tried to rate us both on a scale when I asked – I attribute this to his emotional immaturity) as compared to me.
This led me to developing an insecurity (obviously) because one can’t quite walk away unscathed after your partner gives ratings plus clearly states that “you’re not that attractive”.
Now, I have never been a person who’s capitalised on my looks, ever. I have gotten enough attention during my youth to know that I’m not an unattractive person. Plus, I have been mostly scared of attention from men due to a bad history. I used to wear a lot of terrible, unfitting men’s clothing until this point. But something about his statement hit very deep and I changed my wardrobe and started to, I don’t know, get in touch with my femininity? Well the responses were quite dramatic, I started getting hit on, checked out etc. and that too sometimes by people who were “objectively” more attractive than my SO. If I ever mentioned anything related to this (which I didn’t a lot because I didn’t want to fish for validation from him) – he’d always keep a neutral tone and seemed somewhat unbothered.
Now what happened is that in one of our conversations lately, he mentioned that I have two labels “wife material” and “best friend”. I asked about the girl from his past and he said she had these two labels plus someone that he can “have sex with”. That was red flag #1.
I had, by pure chance, seen the girl from his past at her workplace earlier this year and what I observed was a normal regular person who overall looked good, nothing I found was extraordinary. All his elaborate descriptions and praises from the past failed to hold and I suppose that was a turning point for my perspective. But when I told him all this, he said the following – “she must’ve been in her work clothes that’s why she didn’t look very good”, “her parents look very good so there’s no way she doesn’t look good”, “a lot of guys were vying for her attention in our school so you’re wrong”. I quite frankly don’t, to this day, understand why he so vehemently defended her as if I had personally launched an attack. Red flag #2.
I think I made a huge mistake asking questions around this because he never voluntarily made these comparisons and I trust him completely when he says he’s moved on – he has had no contact with her after their time together. And none of these would have even popped up if we had a smooth and fulfilling sex life.
It’s just that now that I’ve heard all these things pour out of his mouth – I understood that he thinks of people in categories and rather than trying to build a working sexual relationship with me (I initially genuinely thought I was unattractive but I’m clearly not – after my social experiment) he’s holding on to his past experiences and “standards” like his life depends on it.
Not really sure how to tackle this. We genuinely have a loving relationship aside from all this and i honestly couldn’t have asked for more even given our flaws. He respects me very much and is deeply emotionally connected to me too, as much as he can. So apart from leaving (which is in serious consideration now), is there anything we can do?
I have finally decided to initiate one more conversation where I’ll apologise for forcing him to make comparisons (this was clearly wrong and was driven by insecurity). I will also mention the kind of sex life I need (deeply sensually integrated and fulfilling – freaky stuff is only layered in top of that) and if that’s not something he wants or willing to work towards, walk away.
I realise it’s a long post but if you made it till here, thanks.
And I’m genuinely confused why he’s with me if the other girl had it all in his eyes. He’s working quite hard to be with me, actually. I just don’t get it. I had even given him an out when we got together.
Would really appreciate if anybody could point something I may have missed. Especially if you’re prone to avoidant attachments.
TL;DR – Out of the three labels – “wife material” “best friend” and “good to have sex with” label he gave the first two to me and all three to his ex. What’s next?
6 comments
>one can’t quite walk away unscathed after your partner gives ratings plus clearly states that “you’re not that >attractive”.
Massive red flag, rating your S.O’s means he does have a ranking of things in his head. This is a really unhealthy way of looking at things imo since you should just let go of your ex eventually. It seems like he never did. That leads me to believe she ended things and he wasn’t thrilled about it. Still isn’t.
>I quite frankly don’t, to this day, understand why he so vehemently defended her as if I had personally launched >an attack.
Because he still to some extent has feelings for her, it doesn’t mean they’re his primary feelings but the level to which you’ve described him defending her appearance alone is concerning. What’s next is to decide if you’re okay with this behaviour or if you would prefer to be without him. You’re only 23, 2 years seems like a lot at this point in your life but it’s more of a moment rather than a period of time. You could try to work on things or leave, only you can make that choice.
Sorry your going through this OP.
Your relationship has lost intimacy and you’re trying to figure out why. Words matter and someone being crude with your appearance and comparing you to others is not going to make you feel good.
Being insecure due to a partner treatment is a good enough reason to let this one go. At your age you’ve learned alot about his attachment style and can look for something that is naturally a better fit,
Finally don’t go years into a relationship and ask someone to change their approach to sex. That change will be short lived. Sex is something with two well-intentioned young people shouldn’t require so much intervention. That is for like when your 40, married with kids and going through a mid-life crisis. Not now.
he does not respect you please bffr…if he respected you he would have never said those things even if you ask for comparison. Have some self respect
there is a chance that when he’s talking about how he remembers HER, he’s really talking about how he remembers himself in that time, with her
from my perspective as a man, I have an old relationship that was kinda promiscuous like this, the girl was highly sought after and not shy about being super sexual. When we got together I was in my peak physical prime in terms of looks and fitness and things I personally would consider “the best days of my life” I remember this as a time in my life where I was a good looking guy with tons of potential knocking down beautiful women who only like beautiful men and I’m soooooooooo cool because of it
I said all that to say 10 years later, I realize literally all of that wasn’t true. The girl wasn’t even like that, she wasn’t sought after by literally everyone, I wasn’t in my physical prime, we weren’t 2 beautiful people we were 2 mid people with delusional egos, and my best days are very much ahead of me, not behind me….
I think he’s in between paragraph 2 and paragraph 3. He THINKS he’s giving you a compliment by saying you aren’t “just to have sex with” and that he loves you and commits to you despite sex not being the #1 driving factor. He thinks this sounds good to you because to him, its stripping away the “using for sex” part of paragraph 1. He thinks he’s telling you he loves you for you and just you. He’s not though, and he needs to be more emotionally considerate. I can tell he’s just thinking about everything through his lenses and everyone has to accept how he presents reality. Next time it comes up, tell him “actually I think I’m way hotter than that girl and I literally had to dress like a tomboy to get everyone to stop trying to pipe me all the time. We chose eachother because we are both hot” lol that sounds egotistical and rude but its probably true to a certain extent and the hyperbole might help him realize he’s got self awareness issues
You have an amazing attention to detail that none of my relationships have ever hit… I’m kinda jealous. But seriously… just under a year and things are looking odd in the bedroom? I just feel like context is unnecessary at that point
That seems like a difficult situation, and you clearly care a lot and doing a lot of heavy lifting to understand and better this relationship. I would be angry if i heard my partner say these things to me.
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation, you have emphasized many times it is a good relationship outside of these comments so are you comfortable asking non leading open questions? He might start feeling caged in by directed questions but you seem genuinely confused from why he would say these things. I would ask exactly what you said in the last part, “it seems like you are working quite hard to be with me, why put in all this effort if the other girl sounds like a better match for you?”
Also trust your gut here, if he doesn’t try to be introspective and understand why he would say these things I would consider ending the relationship. Good luck!