TLDR: My boyfriend and I are planning on going on a day trip with my cousin and her boyfriend tomorrow. Should I tell my cousin that I’m breaking up with him, and should I break up with him, before the trip?
I (F22) have decided I should break up with my partner (M22). We have been together for more than one year. The realization came to me after we made up after a fight about how I was upset he kept trying to be intimate with me when I was didn’t want to. He wanted to be intimate so badly because he doubts if I love him and that’s the only way for him to know. And he doubts if I love him because I doubt if I love him, and I have told him these doubts in the past. I’ve often assumed my doubts are because of my mental illness (my OCD), but after out fight? For the first time I became confident we should break up. Not worrying if we should break up, but knowing. He doesn’t deserve to keep going through what I’m putting him through, and I don’t deserve this either. I feel so regretful that I have hurt him in this way.
He had Christmas and New Year’s off from work so I was waiting until after he goes back to work to move out. We live together and I don’t have enough money to move out or rent a hotel, so I would have to catch a coach to another town, where my uncle and cousin live, to stay with them. Or, if worst case, go to one of our mutual friends in this town. But for me to go back to my uncles house I have to first call and tell my cousin. I called her this morning so we could both wish her new years and it sounds like my partner and my cousin are planning a day trip tomorrow, the four of us, me and my boyfriend, and her and her boyfriend. We usually plan things like these.
My question is, should I tell my cousin now and see what she thinks with the risk that we may awkwardly hang out together tomorrow? My other question is, should I tell my partner today and it results in the dissolving of his relationship with my cousin and the plans for tomorrow and a terrible start to his new year?
I feel like I have antifreeze in my veins, sometimes I feel like I will hyperventilate. I feel so bad and so guilty. I sleep next to him and see his sweet face and feel guilt. He smiles at me with no concern or worry, with trust. I feel terrible. We watch shows and TikTok’s together, I act normal. I feel terrible.