My (33f) spouse (37f) woke up being so extra loving and sweet to me today. More so than usual.
We had a sweet morning. I had to do a little work then we went to brunch. I ran into a waitress at the restaurant that I happened to know and had not seen in 4 years. We caught up a bit and the waitress mentioned a life event that happened to her after me and MY ex broke up (eg "Ohhh yeah I did that after you and Ex split").
This bothered my spouse, who later said "Everyone here knows you from your ex." During brunch, my spouse weirdly asked me if I wanted a "pass" to be with any man, since I have only been with men before. I was kind of offended by that but said no. She then volunteered that she fantasizes about other women and is "just being honest" (unlike me, who she accuses of withholding information…??). She then got serious and affirmed her commitment to only me and said she only wants me – this made me feel better, but why mention fantasizing about others? She also mentioned that she went on a date during a week in November when she got so furiously angry with me for going out drinking during a fight (after she had already dumped me and told me to f— off) that she threw herself into a week long rage, dumped me, and refused to speak with me. I figured she had been on a date and wasn't surprised, but why mention it now?
I had to do a little work after brunch. She was still being pretty nice to me. Then after my final work call was over and I was ready to hang out her entire mood flipped a switch. She did not necessarily say anything just her entire vibe and demeanor changed. I picked up on it and started feeling sad/anxious, asked what was wrong and got short responses. Ultimately, she ended up saying, "We can just hang out separately if you want," and I made the cardinal error of saying "I don't really care." BOOM. Ignored by her for the ENTIRE night.
I strongly feel as if she is emotionally abusive, in the wrong, and lacks emotional control. Don't know how much more of this I can stand.
3 comments
Let me start out with, according to your past posts, your wife sounds insufferable.
I don’t know the dynamic in your relationship but it sounds as though she was feeling guilty about something. I don’t want to go straight to the whole, she is accusing you of something so she must have done it but this is awfully suspect behavior. She has hit a few of the tropes when it comes to cheating.
1. Love bombing you.
2. Offering you a hall pass out of the blue.
3. Mood switched from love bombing to something negative after you turned her hall pass offer down.
It sounds like something is brewing and you need to have a serious conversation with her. If you AND she want this marriage to last, some marriage counseling wouldn’t hurt. Good luck!
> She then got serious and affirmed her commitment to only me and said she only wants me – this made me feel better, but why mention fantasizing about others?
Some people like adding this fantasy to their sex life. (Don’t ever open your marriage for real)
As for the rest of what you wrote, playing tit for tat is not good. Ignoring someone is not healthy either, neither is going out to get hammered a good coping mechanism for after a fight.
Maybe marriage counseling could help with all of this dysfunction.
Seems like maybe your wife is insecure about your previous relationships with men and is too prideful to just have an honest conversation about it. Instead of discussing what’s making her uncomfortable, she’s testing you to see if her thoughts are correct (which they never are). She tries to play it cool by mentioning she thinks about other women to bait you into admitting you “sometimes” think about men.
OP, I’m assuming if you had fallen for the trap and said, well yeah I sometimes think about men or women too then she would have really set off or further ignored you, either way you lose. It’s like offering you a tictac when it’s really a grenade.
I have to admit, I recognize this behavior because I, too, was the same way when I was ignorant of my insecurities. For me, I matured and learned how to deal with my insecurities because I hated it, knew it wasn’t normal, and wanted to change.
Your wife could likely benefit from therapy if this is the case, but telling her that or her actually acknowledging she needs to work on it is not an easy task and solely up to her. I’m sorry and wish you both the best of luck.