I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel very confused and emotionally exhausted.
I came to the U.S. from a conservative Asian country for graduate school and met my husband in a small college town. He’s about 10–11 years older than me. On paper, he seemed stable, good family, decent job, homeowner, and more “settled,” which mattered to me because I grew up with fairly traditional expectations around marriage.
I also come from a conservative background. I was a virgin when we met and more submissive/traditional in my expectations of partnership. Early on, he often complained about his ex-wife and about Western dating culture, especially around sexual history.
After we got married, things changed quickly. He lost his job, and we moved into my student housing. I worked part-time on campus and carried our health insurance. During his unemployment, he developed serious alcohol issues and became verbally abusive. He also has bipolar disorder. During one episode while I was visiting my family, he caused major issues that got him removed from student housing and nearly caused problems for me with my university. When I returned, he was hospitalized under my student health insurance.
It took a long time to stabilize life again. Eventually, he found work and now earns around $100k, but it’s contract work with no benefits, no PTO, and no health insurance.
I finished grad school this summer. For the first time in over 2.5 years, I’ve been unemployed m for about six months now. During those prior years, I fully supported myself, provided housing, and paid for health insurance. For the last six months, he has been covering the basics: mortgage, utilities, groceries. We live very simply m, so no travel, no shopping, no luxuries.
I’ve been actively applying for jobs, but my search has been heavily location-restricted because he wants to stay near his parents and the house he owns. Recently, I told him I feel burned out and want to visit my family back home for a short break. I haven’t seen them in years.
Instead of support, he responded by saying:
• I should get a minimum-wage job to “help him”
• I haven’t contributed financially
• I’m not being a team player and I’m selfish
He also dismissed my need to see my family by saying I can just video call them and that immigration isn’t as difficult as it used to be despite the fact that he sees his own parents multiple times a week and has barely ever lived away from his hometown.
What’s been bothering me most is the resentment and scorekeeping around finances during a temporary period of unemployment especially after years where I carried myself and absorbed a lot of instability in the marriage. I don’t feel emotionally supported, and I’m starting to question whether our expectations of partnership are fundamentally mismatched.
I’m trying to understand:
• Is this kind of financial and emotional dynamic normal in marriage?
• Is it reasonable for a spouse to expect support and patience during a job search, especially after years of contributing independently?
• How do couples navigate temporary imbalance without resentment?
I’m especially worried about the future and whether this is the kind of foundation that’s healthy for children.
I’m not trying to vilify my husband butI just need clarity on whether my expectations are unreasonable or whether something deeper is wrong here.
Thank you for reading.