My (31 m) partner told me (32 f) last year that he had been struggling with a low grade porn addiction for the last several years. We have been together for about 8 years so I felt more betrayed by the fact that it was a secret rather than the secret itself. We read plenty of articles, books, and papers together. He sought therapy but didn’t find it helpful. I sought out addiction groups for him but he said those weren’t helpful either. He’s always had a good grasp on his mental health, so I made sure to back off instead of smother him with more things to do to cope with the trials of recovery.
A year later, he only had one relapse several months ago! I’m really in awe at how successful going cold turkey was for him.
However, when he initially quit, he suffered from not getting hard or not staying hard during sex (including co masturbation and other non-penetrative ways). Eventually, it kind of went away, but I could tell we were both nervous and rushed sex with the fear of him going soft driving the urgency. For the last two months, he has not been able to hold an erection, or really even get one. He’s expressed that he’s under some stress and a bit depressed due to the weather/season (which is typical for him), but this is the longest and most severe case of Ed his had. Before he disclosed his addiction, the only time he wouldn’t be able to get hard was if he had masturbated that day already.
He’s been in a health insurance hell loop so he won’t be able to see any proper doctor for a few weeks. I’m coming to this community not because I care so much about our sex life, but because I’m just really scared for him and the changes our relationship is enduring.
He’s totally my life partner and I don’t care if we ever have sex again (though, I can’t say I wouldn’t be grieving that part of our relationship if this became permanent). I just want him happy and healthy.
Is this at all a common/normal/relatable occurrence?? I feel crazy thinking about it all the time and wanting to make suggestions but knowing that not knowing the root of the problem yet makes any potential suggestions moot. And now our sex drives are totally different- im afraid to look at him or touch him the wrong way to accidentally give him the idea that I want/need sex which could make him feel ashamed that he can’t provide that right now (I *do* want sex with him, very badly, but I’m trying my best to let him initiate so he doesn’t feel pressure to perform).
TL;DR, my partner has ED and it could just be a weird delayed symptom of recovery from porn addiction or it could be something else. I’m losing my mind thinking about sex constantly bc I’m worried any slightly sexual gesture will make him feel shame (he hasn’t expressed that this is the case, I’m assuming). So… any relatable success stories? Or useful suggestions? Just crying out into the ether over here 🥺