I (F25) am in a relationship with my boyfriend (M23). Recently, we had an argument that led to him becoming emotionally distant. He didn’t talk to me for three days, which left me feeling hurt, confused, and shut out. During that time, I reached out to some of his close friends for comfort and perspective because they know him well. My intention wasn’t to attack him — I genuinely just wanted support and help understanding him better.
Instead, the conversation took an unexpected turn. His friends started speaking very negatively about him — questioning his character, his motives, and aspects of his life that felt deeply personal. I didn’t agree with what they were saying and actually defended him, telling them he’s a good person and that I care about him.
Eventually, my boyfriend confronted his friends about what was said. Rather than taking responsibility for their own words, they shifted the blame onto me, saying the issue was that I vented to them in the first place. Instead of explaining why they felt comfortable speaking that way about him, the narrative became that I “caused the problem.”
When my boyfriend talked to me about it, he said he wanted to “hear everyone’s side” and didn’t know who to side with — me or his friends. That hurt deeply. I wasn’t asking him to cut anyone off, but I did expect him to draw a line and protect me from being blamed or dragged into something I didn’t create.
What hurt even more was that his friends began dragging my name to defend themselves, and he stayed in the middle listening instead of shutting that down. I felt like I was being evaluated by people I didn’t attack, while the original issue — their disrespect toward him — was never fully addressed.
Throughout our conversations, I noticed a pattern: when I expressed hurt, it was reframed as insecurity. When I asked for boundaries, it was interpreted as control. The focus kept shifting away from his friends’ behavior and his lack of boundaries, and back onto me and my character.
I’ve also realized that I’ve been very protective of him because I know he went through a lot growing up and I genuinely believe he deserves better. But in trying to protect him and keep the peace, I’ve been losing myself.
What hurts the most is that he consistently prioritizes keeping peace with his friends over making me feel emotionally safe. He avoids conflict, stays neutral, and lets others’ reactions dictate the situation, even when it leaves me feeling unheard and unprotected.
At this point, I don’t feel emotionally safe or supported in the relationship, especially during conflict. I care about him, but I’m considering walking away to choose myself.
Am I wrong for wanting to leave?
TL;DR:
After an argument, my boyfriend went emotionally distant for days. When I reached out to his friends for support, they later blamed me instead of taking responsibility for speaking badly about him. My boyfriend said he wanted to hear everyone’s side and didn’t clearly stand up for me or set boundaries, which made me feel unprotected. When I expressed hurt, it was reframed as insecurity or control. I love him, but I don’t feel emotionally safe during conflict and I’m considering leaving to protect my self-respect