Me (24F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together a little over a year. We love each other and most days we’re good, but we keep having the same argument.
I’ll bring up something small that bothered me (feeling ignored when we’re out, him being on his phone a lot, or joking when I’m trying to be serious). He hears it like I’m attacking him, so he gets defensive. Then I get emotional and start over-explaining, and he shuts down because he feels like he can’t win. When he goes quiet, I panic because silence feels like rejection.
Afterwards, we both agree we don’t want this dynamic, but in the moment we can’t stop it from escalating. It feels like we’re not even fighting about the original issue anymore.
One thing that has helped a bit is Soul Quest (it’s a relationship question app). We use it when we’re calm, not mid-fight, to ask deeper questions that help us talk about the real stuff without blaming each other. It’s helped us understand each other more, but we still struggle in the actual moment when emotions spike.
What are practical ways to break this loop in the moment before it turns into a full argument? Like what do we actually DO when we feel it starting?
TL;DR: 24F + 26M together a little over a year. Same fight loop: I bring something up, he gets defensive, I get emotional and over-explain, he shuts down. We love each other and want to fix it. Soul Quest (a relationship question app) helps when we’re calm, but we need advice on stopping the cycle in the moment.