I (30F) and my boyfriend (30M) went out to dinner on New Year’s Eve because I wanted to spend the last day of the year at our favorite restaurant and just relax together. The night honestly started off great.
On the way home, he said he wanted to stop by his aunt’s and also see if his brother wanted to come with us so we could pick him up. His brother didn’t end up wanting to go, but my boyfriend still decided he wanted to stop by and see him for a bit. I had no problem with that.
When we got to his brother’s house, everything was fine at first. His brother’s girlfriend and I were talking, joking, and getting along well.
For context: I have a tattoo of an artist who passed away. I’ve had it for 6 years (please save the “why would you do that” comments). It’s not new, I don’t regret it, and if I ever do, I’ll get it lasered. I’ve also been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, so he met me with this tattoo — it’s not something I got during our relationship.
While his girlfriend and I were talking, she mentioned a singer. I said I used to love that singer, and she jokingly said, “You gonna get them tattooed next?” I joked back, “Maybe when they die,” and we both laughed because it was very clearly a joke.
My boyfriend got upset about this.
He made a snarky comment about how he was going to get a singer tattooed on his arm because he loves them so much. That part didn’t bother me. What did bother me was that after that, he completely shut down. He sat on the couch silently, scrolling on his phone, not talking to anyone.
Meanwhile, I was still talking and laughing with his brother and his girlfriend. They were being a bit affectionate, and I asked my boyfriend if he could get off his phone and engage with us a little. He snapped at me and said, “Why can’t I be on my phone?!?”
I asked if he could just spend some time with me and his family on New Year’s Eve without being on his phone. He ignored me and continued scrolling.
At that point, my energy completely dropped and I started getting really upset.
I texted him asking if we could leave soon because I was getting overwhelmed and didn’t feel like I could hold it together much longer while still sitting there with his brother and girlfriend. He ignored my text.
I went into another room and asked him to come talk to me. I asked him to communicate what was wrong. He snappily repeated that nothing was wrong. Eventually, he admitted something was wrong, but said he didn’t want to get into it at his brother’s house.
I asked him for the car keys so I could get something out of the car. He kept rudely asking, “What do you need to get?” I told him I wasn’t trying to take his car, I just wanted my bag so I could leave and cool off. He said he would go with me.
Before we walked to the car, things escalated. His brothers girlfriend kept asking if we were leaving and I said I am but my boyfriend would be back. She can be a tiny bit pushy so she kept pushing and asking why. I snapped and said something along the lines of, “He is mad over a tattoo!!” and reminded him that it had been a joke. He responded by saying that I already have “some other guy tattooed on me,” referring to the artist. He then raised his voice and repeated that he didn’t want to talk about this in front of his family.
He also said that he works 12-hour shifts, comes home tired, and just wants to relax on his phone, and that I’m always being annoying and asking him to get off his phone. For context, he has worked a 12-hour shift maybe once or twice in the last 5–6 months, most days he works about 6–7 hours, and they often hang out until they hit their full workday (8.5 hours). That said, I understand wanting to relax after work, but this was New Year’s Eve and we were spending time with his family. Which is also another issue we have. We went to see his sister whom he hasn’t seen in years and her kids had to continuously ask him if he could get off his phone.
I told him that the way he was acting was bringing my mood down and that I couldn’t enjoy myself anymore.
At that point, emotions were high and I just wanted to go home.
He said he would walk me to the car to get my bag. We went to the car, he gave me my bag, and I started walking away. He did offer to drive me home so he could get his things, but I told him he could get them with his key since it would’ve taken me about an hour to get home anyway (I walked). I didn’t want to be there while he grabbed his things.
I know it was my choice but I brought in my New Year walking home (1 hour 15 mins) while crying the whole way. I was just overwhelmed especially because we just talked about communicating better and handling conflict better. Just felt crazy for him to get so mad over something like that.
He never came to get his things, and we haven’t spoken since.
Is there a better way I could have handled this? I’m just really confused right now.
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TL;DR:
I made a clearly joking comment while hanging out with my boyfriend’s brother and girlfriend on New Year’s Eve. My boyfriend got upset, shut down, ignored me, and stayed on his phone all night. When I tried to communicate, he refused and said he didn’t want to talk. Things escalated, I grabbed my bag, and left on foot because I was overwhelmed. Was there a better way I could have handled the situation?