I(21f) feel like I don’t feel the same way toward my boyfriend (21m) anymore. We’ve been together over five years and started dating at 16. He was my first love, my only relationship, and he’s genuinely the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever known. That’s what makes this so painful. I feel torn and confused about what’s normal and what isn’t.
I’ve brought up feeling disappointed that we don’t really go on dates or do much together, but we’re both broke college students. That said, he doesn’t have a job, and sometimes it feels like I put more effort into myself and the relationship than he does, but I definitely think he puts in more effort in other ways. I hate admitting this, but I’ve lost some physical attraction. He’s gained a lot of weight, is almost bald, and sometimes has bad breath, which makes intimacy and even conversation hard. I feel awful for caring about this, especially because he’s insecure and trying to fix it. I feel like the most vain person in the world because I know I would feel her if the same happened to me, but I do try my best to look my best as much as I can.
Sex has also been a huge issue. When we were sexually active, I constantly got UTIs and other symptoms, to the point where sex made me anxious. I eventually got off birth control because of side effects, and we haven’t had full sex in almost two years. I’m not withholding it on purpose, but I can’t relax because I’m always worried about what will happen afterward. I feel incredibly guilty about this. I don’t know if it’s because we’re sexually incompatible or it’s my own body fighting me?
Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about other people, imagining what it would be like to be with someone else. I know that sounds terrible. I don’t think I’d ever physically cheat, but it feels like I’ve mentally crossed lines. I’m meeting my professor for coffee, and the guilt is eating at me.
The hardest part is that no one has ever understood me like my boyfriend does. He listens, he cares deeply, and I know he loves me completely. I don’t doubt that I love him too, which is why this hurts so much.
I’m not looking for sympathy. This is my first and only relationship, and I genuinely don’t know what feelings are normal, what’s inevitable over time, and what should be a sign to leave. I just want honest advice.
TLDR: I’ve been with my boyfriend since we were 16, and he’s genuinely kind, loyal, and willing to do anything for me. The problem is that I feel like I’ve changed. My attraction and comfort with intimacy have faded, and I feel guilty for wanting more and for thinking about what life might be like with other people. I love him and know he hasn’t done anything wrong, which makes it even harder to figure out whether these feelings are normal or a sign that I’m outgrowing my first relationship.