My boyfriend (27M) and I (22F) have been dating for 10 months, and lately I’ve been feeling like he’s not as genuine or thoughtful as he says he is.
Throughout our relationship, I’ve gone out of my way to do thoughtful things for him—writing cards, giving small gifts, planning surprises, and making special moments. He rarely does the same for me.
My birthday was last month, and he planned a family trip during it, which made it clear he wasn’t doing anything for me. The day before he left, he got me a last-minute sweat set—no card, cake, or flowers. On my actual birthday, he called and said he’d take me to dinner if no one else did, which felt like pity rather than genuine effort.
I assumed Christmas would be different. He got me a purse I wanted as an early gift, which was sweet, but then said, “That’s all you’re getting for Christmas.” On Christmas, he gave me a workout set and ski pants—even though he knew I already owned the ski pants and I had told him a month prior. It made it obvious he wasn’t really paying attention to me.
I want to be clear: this isn’t about money. I’m very simple—I would genuinely be happy with flowers, my favorite snacks, or a handwritten card. But he never does these things. The effort just isn’t there.
What makes it more frustrating is that when it comes to things he cares about—like spending $30K on a watch—he goes all out. He’s clearly capable of effort, just not when it comes to me or the things that matter to me.
When I brought this up, he said that taking me out to eat, spending time together, and taking me to Greece should show that he cares. But that doesn’t make me feel special, since he’s traveled with other girls before. I want effort and thoughtfulness, not just money or convenience.
It hurts that I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. He’s only gotten me flowers once—and that was before we even started dating. He’s never written me a card. I feel really sad, confused, and unheard.
My question: How can I communicate that effort and thoughtfulness matter to me in a way that he understands, and how do I determine if this is just a difference in love languages or a deeper incompatibility?
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TL;DR:
My boyfriend (27M) rarely puts effort into thoughtful gestures, ignores things I tell him (like already owning ski pants), and focuses effort on things he cares about. I (22F) feel hurt, sad, and unheard. How do I communicate that effort matters, and is this a difference in love languages or a bigger issue?