I'm feeling totally lost. My partner [ M 42] and I [F 33] have been dating for about 2.5 years. In that time, I've moved in with him, we've gone through a series of rough patches, almost broken up once, and we've recently started couples counseling a few months ago.
The couples counseling is helping our communication, but talking deeply about ourselves has me thinking that we're not compatible (which I've suspected). When he and I first started dating, I put everything on the table: my baggage, my expectations, my goals, everything. I was completely myself. However, now that I know him, I feel frustrated because I feel as if he gave me a false version of himself. He was so optimistic, happy-go-lucky, engaging, and just generally happy. When he met my family, he was so engaged and involved in getting to know them.
Now I can barely get him to talk at a family gathering. He usually ends up glowering in the corner off by himself and I have people asking me why he's in a bad mood. I never know why, because he won't tell me! He just says he's fine, which is obviously not true because everyone can see it. Then after I press him, he goes off on a tangent about how annoying my family is. No family is perfect, but I dearly love my family, and I don't find them to be all that annoying, as they're a pleasant and kind bunch.
He feels more like a friend or roommate to me now. He's super attracted to me, but I'm struggling to reciprocate that. It feels awful, because he's trying hard to work on things, but it doesn't feel like enough. In therapy, he mentioned how he hates people, just in general; people suck and annoy him. If he had said that on our first date, there wouldn't have been a second date. I didn't know I was getting into a relationship with a misanthrope. I fell for the charismatic, happy, generous, and optimistic guy he was at the start. Now, I see him as who he really is, under his exterior: an easily irritated grump. He's constantly getting annoyed by me and everyone else, and I feel like it extends past the normal amount of annoyance that happens in healthy relationships. He's worked on being less rude and abrupt, but almost daily, he'll sigh in an irritated manner in response to something I do, and it wears on me. He's starting to open up about his feelings more, which I initially thought was great. But him opening up becomes a rant about how I'm annoying, or immature (I am 10 years younger). He says he's working on this, but how long will that take? I don't think I want to wait for him to change.
He once admitted that he puts himself on a pedestal, and thinks himself superior to others. I've dated a true malignant narcissist before, and I don't believe him to be one, but he certainly has some characteristics. I used to fantasize about starting a family with him, but now I can't see it without the both of us being miserable (including the kids). I figure if he gets annoyed with me so easily, then how will life be with children? Do I want kids with someone who says they hate people? Not judging if someone is like that, but I personally don't want that in a partner.
My problem is: I'm attached to him, care for him, and I wanted to work on things. But I go back and forth on wanting to stay and wanting to go. I hate to admit it, but a big reason why I feel pressured to stay is because he's provided so much for me. He's tried to support me in nearly every venture of mine, especially financially. I've told him many, many times before that I don't want him to pay for everything because a big proponent of my self-confidence comes from being able to take care of myself, and I don't need him to pay for my bills, schooling, food, rent, car payments, and the many gifts on top of those. But I have to admit, it's exhausting trying to enforce that with him, and I've sort of let it slide for some things. He's helped pay for so many things (without me asking, and often after me giving into his persuasion), that I feel as if I owe him.
Logically, I know that I don't owe him my life or marriage simply because he pays for things, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel stuck. We're incompatible, but he's not a bad person and it's not a totally miserable relationship: it just feels WRONG to me, and I can't say that I'm in love with him. He's just invested so much in our relationship, I feel like I'd be slapping him in the face by leaving.
I'm starting to have disturbing intrusive thoughts. I'll daydream that he'll die in a freak accident, and I'll finally be free without having to go through the pain of breaking up with him. It's absolutely horrible, I know, but the thought flickers into my mind for 2 seconds, and I think, "Why the fuck am I thinking about this?" But the sense of relief in that daydream is impossible to ignore. I also think about when I moved in with him, and I feel utterly perplexed as to what compelled me to move in with him so soon. I keep thinking about how I want to be free, to move out, to leave, be on my own, and I'm drawn to these thoughts. I also think back to red flags I missed early on: his road rage, the way he showed subtle annoyance towards my mother, his performative behavior, lying about shopping for his old lady neighbor every week (he only offered to get her groceries, but he lied about shopping for her every week), waxing poetic about his deep love and respect for his roommates but then after I moved in he couldn't stop talking shit behind their backs, complaining about his "piece of shit" coworker on our first date. I don't know why I ignored all this, but I feel so foolish now for it, because I should've listened to my gut. I find myself thinking a lot now: "How did I get here, in this house and in this relationship with this guy?"
This relationship feels like it's weighing on me. I used to go about my daily life in awe of life and appreciative of the beauty everywhere – now, I hardly even pay attention to the clouds, to the nature around me, to the wholesome interactions I see in the city. It's like life has lost its sparkle for me. If it sounds like I'm asking permission to leave him, then… I guess I am. Kind of pathetic, right? I feel beholden to him for all he's done for me. It makes me feel inferior. My confidence is pretty shot, and I am battling tons of excuses for staying, even though I know now that's not what my heart wants. Has anyone else been in this position? What helped you be courageous enough to leave?
tl;dr- boyfriend has paid for so many things and gotten me so many thoughtful gifts and tries his hardest to provide me with everything I want (materially), and I feel immensely guilty for wanting to leave. I'm not happy, and am realizing more after couples therapy that we have incompatible values and am struggling with how to proceed.