For context, my husband and I are both in our 30s and have been married for almost six years. My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and has been on medication for nearly ten years.
Our sex life hasn’t been great, mostly because of his medication and mental health. For the first few years, it didn’t bother me too much. Of course I would always love more intimacy, but I tried to be understanding of his mental needs. We only get intimate when he feels like it. I’ve initiated many times and asked for it, but most of the time it leads nowhere.
At this point, we have sex about once a month—twice if I’m really lucky—and that’s usually after many failed attempts on my side to show interest. I love him deeply, and I know he loves me too. I’ve tried opening up the conversation so I can better understand him, but his response is usually, “It is what it is,” and that he can’t help it. He says he loves me and finds me attractive, but he doesn’t know what more he can do.
I even asked him directly, “Is it that you don’t have the need anymore, or that you just don’t want it?” He didn’t really have an answer.
Recently, I came across his browsing history on my laptop, and it was full of porn—almost daily, or at least four times a week. I know that people watch porn, and I don’t have an issue with it in general. But given the lack of intimacy in our marriage, seeing how much porn he watches was honestly heartbreaking. What makes it harder is that sometimes he watches it even when I’m home and clearly showing interest in him.
We don’t have kids or any major life stressors, so we’re essentially free to do whatever we want. I haven’t brought this up yet because I want to understand the situation better and approach it the right way. I don’t want it to turn into a fight, and I don’t want to feel like he prefers porn over me.
How do I approach him? Would appreciate life experiences