I am sharing my experience because I feel emotionally exhausted and need clarity and support.
I was in a relationship where intimacy with me was limited for a long time. For almost a year penetrative sex never happened and even basic physical intimacy or making out was inconsistent. When I sensed something was wrong and tried to talk about it I was often ignored or told I was overthinking. Later a medical issue was mentioned which I accepted and was understanding about.
I want to be clear that I am generally okay with the idea that attraction to others exists. We are all human and occasional attraction or curiosity does not automatically mean betrayal to me. What became deeply troubling was the consistency frequency and intentionality of the behaviour. This included repeatedly saving pictures of random girls and more disturbingly saving recent videos of his ex.
This was happening secretly. Each time I found out he promised honesty and said he would stop. Each time he lied again sometimes finding new ways to hide it. This happened multiple times over months even after he said he had hit rock bottom.
He says it is only physical that there are no emotions and that it is not a big deal. But I am a monogamous person and I clearly communicated that this crossed my boundaries. Beyond my personal boundaries I also struggled with this morally especially with the repeated saving and revisiting of specific people’s content. Despite all this being clearly expressed the behaviour continued.
What hurts most is that while sexual energy existed it was not directed toward me yet I was expected to tolerate secrecy and repeated breaches of trust.
I gave chances communicated calmly tried giving space tried rebuilding trust and asked for honesty instead of perfection but the lying kept repeating. Over time I became anxious hypervigilant emotionally drained and started questioning my self worth and my reality.
Now I feel broken numb and deeply hurt. I do not want to go back to this person but I am struggling with guilt confusion and grief. I keep asking myself what I did wrong even though I tried my best to handle things maturely and with compassion.
How to navigate this after this point? How not to blame myself?
Am i being reasonable?