So, for a little bit of context, this is my first serious relationship. I (31f) have not had interest in the past due to a lot of trauma involving men and my biological father. I’ve worked hard on my issues though and am in a good place overall. My (36m) boyfriend is someone I’ve been friends with for years and he has had a crush on me for about the past 4-5 years. I finally decided to give it a shot this year and we’ve been together for 11 months. I care about him deeply and I know he does for me as well. It’s also worth noting that we are long distance and that accumulatively we have spent about a month’s worth of time together in person. We talk every day and have designated date nights. Overall everything about our relationship is great, we have similar interests, we flirt, we make time for each other, and I really love him.
The problem is… the sex. He is my first, I know he’s had relationships in the past and that doesn’t bother me. He hasn’t been with another girl in about 7-8 years from my understanding.
Every time we’ve done it, he has been unable to finish. Things feel good for me, and I do my best to tell him and show it. I’m enthusiastic, I wear the lingerie he’s bought me, I try to do everything right. He keeps assuring me that it isn’t me and it’s a him problem, but it hurts that he has told me he is able to jerk off just fine to pictures of me or to other stuff, but that when I’m physically here with him that he can’t do it. At first I thought he was just nervous, I was too. It’s been almost a year though and it’s still happening.
I recently broke down crying after it happened yet again. He swore up and down it isn’t me. Logically, I understand he’s been alone for a long time and needs to rewire his brain or something. But it hurts. A lot. I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong. He is my first so I don’t exactly have experience here. We talked about it and I told him how I was feeling and he again assured me that it’s not me, but I can’t shake this feeling of hurt.
Can I get an outside perspective? Is there anything I can do to help him or that I should be doing differently? Our relationship is so much more than sex, and he’s expressed his desire to be with me in the long run. I don’t think I’m unattractive by most standards and he seems to enjoy lingerie and sexy things (and has told me he masturbates regularly) and I just don’t… understand it. He says he’s working on his issues, but I’m feeling hurt and sad over this and I just can’t help it. Is this normal? Why would this be happening to him if it’s not me? How do I help him through this?