I might delete this post later.
I am a '25 F' working.
I was in a relationship for 5.5 years, from 2019 to 2025. He belonged to a different caste. We went through the COVID period together and stayed loyal to each other. Eventually, we broke up due to various reasons related to our careers and circumstances, which is a long and complicated story.
After everything I have experienced, I have made a clear decision for my life. I am genuinely not interested in marriage at all. I also have a home loan of 80 lakhs.
What I am looking for is a partner who is emotionally available and supportive, more like a lifelong roommate. I am NOT seeking a physical relationship, marriage, or children. All of these are a firm no for me.
Even if I were to marry with the clear condition that I do not want children, I know that, in reality, parents and in-laws would still expect a baby. Even if a husband agrees initially, there would likely be expectations of a physical relationship. I am not comfortable with that either.
Over time, I have developed a fear of the consequences that come with marriage, children, and the traditional Indian marital setup even if I am successful in convincing for not having a child. Yet living with a man is too complicated for me. I will not be able to love and it's not worth for him to love me. I might respect him but that is not enough for a man. He will expect something more than just respect from a wife (regardless of child)
What I truly want is a partner with whom I can coexist peacefully, helping each other with daily life, household responsibilities, and support during illness or difficult times.
I want to completely step away from love marriage, arranged marriage, accidental love, and intentional love, along with everything that comes with romantic or marital expectations.
Recently I have started thinking that whether being in a relationship with a woman would make more sense for me ?
I am not a lesbian, but I feel that such a relationship would give me emotional safety and predictability. One practical aspect is that there would be no fear of being forced into motherhood even if she wants to but I will need to always fear my husband what if he tries to force me for child after a decade or so. I do not want to be surrounded by a man for the rest of my life, not because men are bad, but because I do not feel suited to that role or environment they would expect me to be as I do not have any energy left to deal with men. Women are more understanding and easy to live with.
I am looking for a life that is stable, calm, and free from pressure, a companionship based on mutual care rather than societal expectations.
How can I find a woman who can be mine forever, loyal to me, no intimacy bullshit?