My partner experiences crisis frequently. We have been together for a few years and it has always impacted our relationship. She has been to therapy and there has been a reduce in frequency of the amount of crisis she has but I still think I am unhappy in the relationship. She cries about many things all the time. This week alone she has had 3 crisis where she experiences anxiety or irritation, shuts down and ices me out for hours. If you want more details you can read my post on r/AmIOverreacting.
We have talked about the nuanced idea that her crisis' are valid, her emotions are valid and she is allowed to express them. But they impact me deeply. To have a partner that cries and panics at every conflict is hard.
So my thought process is, her feelings are valid, whether its panic, irritation, anxiety, self doubt, its all valid. But because it happens so often I just don't want to be with her anymore. I feel like I am anticipating setting her off pretty often.
So this is the concern, there is a pattern of a disagreement, her experiencing crisis and shutting down and then icing me out or me feeling like I need to help her through the crisis. Help her regulate her nervous system because she never practices any of her coping skills from therapy unless i remind her. I have worked on doing this less often becasue I think it enables the behavior of her having a crisis and getting what she wants (i.e. reasurrance, validation).
A lot of people might suggest that we talk it out. We work on our communication. But we have talked about this exact concern for hours and hours and hours over the years. We consistently talk about it every single time it comes up. She has talked to her personal therapist about how to cope with anxiety without panicing, bawling and shutting down. I have talked to mine. And we could continue to try and work it out. We could try couples therapy. But I don't know if I want to. I might see how I feel in the morning.
I feel like a bad person for saying my partners mental health concerns are making me want to leave her. But I have tried to help her, I have encouraged her to return to therapy. I have reinforced her evidenced based coping skills. But this pattern of frequent crisis keeps happening.
She is valid in her reason for crisis. Whether she is anxious, insecure, angry or what have you. But I am also valid for not being happy with it.
Our good times are so good. A huge part of me doesn't want to leave. I love my life in the country we live in. I love the things we do while traveling. I love the small ways she takes care of me. I love the little things she knows and remembers about me I love that she always apologizes eventually when she is wrong and that she tries to see my side. I love that she is always trying to make sure I am happy, comfortable and feeling good. I love that she can tell when my chronic illness is bad and she will get me something to help it. I love that she took me all over her country of birth to places that i wanted to see, even if she doesn’t love them or has already seen them. I love the way she listens to me and is on my side when I am struggling with things (i.e. work, family stuff). I love that she helps me remember things. I love that we are politically aligned, and human rights centric. I love her, I don’t want to leave her. I love our cat too.
I am not going to do anything rash but what do you think? Am I completely out of line for thinking frequent crisis is a reason to potentially end the relationship.