My girlfriend (22F) and I (22M) have been together for several years. Recently, I found out she cheated on me with her boss.

At first, she minimized what happened, but over time more details came out. What I initially thought was minor turned out to be repeated physical intimacy, and it continued even after I confronted her. There was also a power imbalance involved. While some of it later crossed into unwanted territory, she did choose to participate at the beginning and hid it from me.

Since everything came out, she has taken real steps to try to repair things. She left the job, has been open to difficult conversations, and says she wants to rebuild trust. I genuinely believe she feels remorse and wants to fix what she broke.

The part I’m struggling with now is internal.

I never cheated. Throughout our relationship, I walked away from situations where I could have had experiences with other people because I was committed to her. I pushed down curiosity and desire because I believed loyalty meant sacrificing those things.

Now I can’t shake the feeling that she got to experience something intense, exciting, and forbidden, while I never did. I don’t want revenge and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m afraid that if we fully move forward without addressing this, I’ll carry resentment long-term.

Before the cheating came to light, she had jokingly mentioned the idea of adding another person to our relationship a couple of times. Looking back, I don’t think that came from genuine desire as much as guilt over what she had already done, even though I didn’t know yet. That makes me hesitant to read too much into it.

What complicates this further is that she’s my person. When I’m dealing with difficult feelings, my instinct has always been to include her rather than isolate myself. Part of me wonders whether wanting to explore these feelings together is a healthy desire for closeness and honesty, especially after betrayal, rather than wanting to process everything separately or in secret. At the same time, I’m very aware of the risk of asking her to participate in my healing in a way that isn’t fair or truly consensual.

I’m trying to figure out what’s healthy and what’s just a reaction to being hurt.

My question:
How do I tell whether this is something I need to work through internally versus something that needs to be addressed directly in the relationship? And how do I approach this conversation without causing more harm?

TL;DR

My girlfriend cheated on me with her boss. We’re trying to reconcile and she’s taken real steps, but I’m stuck feeling resentful that I gave up experiences she didn’t. I’m unsure whether wanting to process these feelings with her is healthy closeness or unfair pressure, and how to approach it without making things worse.