I'm going to attempt a brief synopsis here, but I would really appreciate some guidance –
My husband (37M) and I (35F) have been married 12 years. His alcohol consumption has always been an issue. His father and mother drink a considerable amount, but are not your "typical" alcoholics'. It's more covert. Christmas Eve, my husband drank a six-pack of 7%ABV beers in three hours. Last night, he drank 1/2-3/4 bottle wine, and because he was out of beer, drank a can of my Long Drink (5.5%ABV) and my one can of lemon martini Cutwater (11% ABV). His insists he does not have a problem, but the funny thing is is that he drank until his "beer fridge" was empty and then took my two drinks I had been saving for myself. He will then throw all of his bottles/cans in the recycling. Note he doesn't take care of the rest of the recycling that is sitting RIGHT THERE, just his alcoholic beverages. Husband insists he's not trying to hide anything, but that seems sneaky, right? Or, am I a prude and blowing this all out of proportion? I'm not much of a drinker, so I feel like I have zero gauge when it comes to "normal" alcohol consumption.
*A little bit of additional context – husband's older brother has a meth addiction and younger brother was just released from rehab for Cocaine and alcohol abuse. What do I do? Am I crazy and his alcohol consumption is "okay?" How do I fix this or get my husband to see that his drinking is excessive? I've expressed my frustration with alcohol soooo, soooo many times, but it goes nowhere. I'm always meant with excuses or bullshit answers. He refuses to address this.
***** edit to add additional context –
He has been drinking this way a long time. We are both going through a lot this holiday season – but, his alcohol consumption has always been this way. Impacting our 5 YO and myself. For example, anytime we go somewhere, husband will start drinking (and not stop)- will never have a conversation with me, but expect me to be his DD all of the time. I feel like I can't enjoy a glass of wine (even responsibly). Driving home from places, always has to grab a "road soda," even though we are just headed home. Also on those drives home, I've had to pull over (on multiple occasions) so he could throw up on the side of the road. Our son was also present for this. Another time, he was driving home drunk, and got pulled over. He called me and said he wouldn't get a DUI if I came and picked him up. So, I grabbed my two year old son (at the time) out of bed, and picked him up, he was shit talking the cop the whole time. This was the night before one of my birthdays. Couple weeks ago, drove home drunk out of his mind, and fell down the basement stairs. Found him passed out on the floor in one of our bathrooms a couple months ago. Just countless examples of this.
I am at a complete loss here.
12 comments
I personally think his consumption is okay. especially as it’s the holidays. but that’s me.
Drinking until it’s gone is definitely a warning sign. A classic warning sign.
As an avid beer drinker myself, I feel like a six pack of 7s is a pretty solid evening. I couldn’t do it. Depends on who you are. Then soaking up everything else the next night. That’s not good.
Maybe he’s drinking away holiday blues? What’s his typical behavior? One or two a day? More than that?
Is he functional or different after he drinks?
I used to drink alot on weekends. Primarily watching sports.
At least that what I told myself. Justified it to myself
Your hubby is drinking too much.
Just count the numbers
I am fortunate, I lost my appeal for alcohol. Just stopped.
I still go to pub. Have a good time. Drink a few NA beers.
Drinking and drinking? Puking on multiple occasions while driving? That’s the sort of details you should have included in the original post (saw those details via your comment to another poster). Drinking and driving is illegal. He has a problem.
If the drinking is impacting his relationships and his life, it’s a problem.
You had to leave the house at night with a toddler to pick him up so he wouldn’t get a DUI.
You feel like you always have to be DD, because he won’t drink responsibly.
You worry about his consumption in light of his family’s addiction issues.
It sounds like his drinking habits have caused you worry, and even have the potential to cause you to feel resentment towards him (understandably). That’s problematic drinking.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a prude. Yes, people drink more during the holidays. But you highlight examples outside of the holiday that cause you worry. I also don’t think people should excuse problematic drinking during the holidays as often as they do. If it happens year after year, it can become a huge problem. Drunk adults are scary for young children, and can ruin the holiday.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. They’ve ruined many a holiday because drinking is often progressive. What is fun and festive eventually becomes sad and scary.
OP, you say you’ve had discussions with him about the alcohol and nothing changes. That’s sad and concerning. The hardest part about alcohol and addiction is that you don’t have control over what he does. You only have control over how you respond to it or don’t. You have options and choices, but will have to weigh pros and cons and what you can live with in order to decide which are best for you right now.
I think he has a problem. The beer thing at first? No.
But then it got worse and yes, he sounds like an alcoholic.
We (and especially my husband) drink more than we probably should. However, we have never done/had the things you describe happen.
I try to keep my weekly consumption to 5-6 drinks a week.
For men – anything over 14 drinks a week in functional alcoholism.
“Seven drinks a week for women and 14 for men” refer to the U.S. guidelines for moderate drinking, defining the upper limits before alcohol use becomes considered “heavy” or “at-risk” for health issues like certain cancers, liver disease, and high blood pressure. These guidelines typically translate to women having no more than 3 drinks on any day and men no more than 4 drinks on any day, with a standard drink being about 14 grams of pure alcohol (e.g., 12 oz beer, 5 oz wine, 1.5 oz spirits). However, recent research suggests even these levels carry risks, and health organizations now emphasize that less alcohol is better, with some recommending much lower limits or abstaining entirely.
Unfortunately, as much as you impress upon him that his drinking is unacceptable and he undoubtedly is not present for you and your child during his times of excessive consumption, you have to come to grip that he, himself has to come to terms with his problem to change.
He does not see what you are seeing and the myriad of problems that result from his drinking even if you complain constantly. How do I know? I’ve been sober for some time and used to be him. It took self reflection and a new attitude to become a better husband, father and friend and come to grips that there is really nothing good that comes from alcohol. I was lucky that my wife and kids waited me out to figure this out myself. Looking back now, I would not have blamed my wife from moving on and it’s something only you can evaluate and decide.
Your husband is an alcoholic and you need to get your child out. Being raised by an active alcoholic is incredibly damaging to a child.
I cannot imagine staying with someone who repeatedly drinks to vomiting, drives drunk (do you know what that will do to your life and finances?), and argues with police.
I am an alcoholic. Four years sober. Your husband is an alcoholic. I only quit when I knew I was about to lose my family. You can’t tell an alcoholic to quit drinking. Tough love is the only thing that may work. If it’s and issue for you and your kid, which it clearly is, you need to tell him that you can no longer tolerate his drinking and you’re leaving him. He will either stop drinking, or you will leave him.
I have friends who did this and ended up divorcing. So know this can happen. But you can’t stay in this marriage because his drinking will escalate.
Put on your big girl panties and be prepared for either eventuality.
Alcoholism is not measured by how much you consume. Alcoholism exists when it causes problems in your life and you don’t stop drinking.
Its negatively impacting his marriage and his child’s life, if that’s not sufficient consequences for him to give it up then he had a problem.
If you haven’t already made it clear to him that it’s negatively impacting your marriage and your child, please do so.
My dad is an alcoholic. His therapist told me 1 of definitions of alcoholism: “if it causes ANY harm among your friends or family, you’re addicted.” Meaning, if someone close asks you to stop completely and you don’t want to, i have a bad news for you.
And what you describe, he has a very serious problem.