I'm 6 months pregnant and we just had a huge fight about the delivery. My fiancé thinks his mom should be in the room when I give birth because it's her first grandchild and she's been so supportive. I said absolutely not I want just him there maybe my own mom if I decide later.
Now his whole family is saying I'm being selfish and excluding them from this special moment. His mom even cried saying I'm keeping her from bonding with the baby. My fiancé says I'm overreacting and that she just wants to help and support us.
But here's the thing I'm the one who's going to be half naked, in pain possibly pooping on the table and extremely vulnerable. This isn't a spectator sport. I don't want anyone I'm not 100% comfortable with seeing me like that. His mom is nice but we're not that close and she's already been kind of overbearing about the pregnancy sending me articles about what I should eat asking invasive questions planning the nursery without asking me.
My fiancé says if I really loved him I'd compromise on this. But I feel like my comfort during literal child birth shouldn't be up for negotiation. Am I being unreasonable? Everyone's making me feel like the bad guy here but it's my medical procedure.
How do I make him understand this isn't about excluding his mom, it's about me feeling safe and comfortable during one of the most intense experiences of my life?
42 comments
It’s a major surgery for you. Tell him to fuck off. In fact show him this comment or the numerous other Reddit posts that have asked the same question. He will see that he is being unreasonable. If he doesn’t… then he’s a moron and a mummy’s boy
Show him a video of birth. Then say mention your mom coming in the room one more time you room you won’t have anyone to argue with
At this point I’d be kicking out the fiance too. He and his family are being ridiculous
I think he already understands that and does not care 🫣
“If you really loved me you would____” often translates to “If you really love me, you’ll do this unpleasant thing or let me hurt you.” Or “Seeing how far you’re willing to go–if you’ll abandon yourself, bend yourself out of shape– makes me feel loved”
Boundaries, jesus.
Just say doctors say no. Germy little woman can go away.
Babies should be isolated first few weeks anyhow as they’re so vulnerable until first vaccinations anyway. It’s not her entitlement, it’s your child to protect, starting now.
He didn’t even marry you yet, wtf is wrong with him
I seriously don’t understand this new crap about people being in the delivery room with the mother.
WTF? I barely wanted my husband there!!
Why are people now feeling intilttled to this?
>My fiancé says if I really loved him I’d compromise on this.
Well if he really loved you, he wouldn’t be asking you to “compromise” on this.
Tell him to fuck off.
You’re essentially asking: how do I convince my husband to be, the father of my child, my feelings are important?
Think twice before marrying him. Pregnancy and childbirth are the two most vulnerable times you’ll ever experience – saying you’re “overreacting”, minimizing your feelings so he doesn’t have to deal with his overbearing mother are huge problems that don’t just disappear.
Tell him his mom can watch when he gives birth.
Jokes aside I think you should get some couples counseling because regardless of whether this is a first offense or not it’s only going to get worse when the baby is out of you. He needs to learn that you and your feelings are more important than his mom’s.
The nerve of some people, it truly amazes me. 100% your call. And boy…pulling the old..if you loved me manipulation tactic is not a good sign. Hopefully this will be resolved way before the actually birth. Good luck and stand firm.
Throw it right back. If your finance really loved you, he would respect your boundaries. It’s clear by his arguing his mom is more important to him than the comfort of his fiancé. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. If he keeps pushing tell him he will not be welcome in the delivery room either.
Oh FGS. Minimizing stress during delivery is crucial for your health and the baby’s. Have these people heard of bodily autonomy? Childbirth is not a spectator sport and it is absolutely your call who you choose to allow to see your nether regions and share this huge life event with. Hold your ground. These people are ridiculous.
Tell him to strip naked, squat down, and take a shit in front of your mother. He doesn’t want to do that? If he really loved you he would do it.
And tell him that if he doesn’t cut this nonsense out, HE won’t be in the delivery room, either.
You’re absolutely not unreasonable and your husband should be looking after your comfort more then his mothers! sheesh
I would be very upset if my husband would waltz over my feelings about something so important and he would be in danger of joining his mother in the waiting room if he didnt join team wife in a hurry!
Personally I’m with you and had my girl with just my husband + professionals in the room, bad enough to let strangers check dilation etc
In my case I was whisked off to surgery after the delivery and missed some time there. Grandparents didnt see us until the next day. No one said an unhappy peep, they all just enjoyed meeting her and seeing us.
Your fiancé and his family have an extremely wrong idea of how this works. You pushing a baby out of your vagina is not a public show.
Your MIL saying this will prevent her from bonding with the baby is a disgraceful show of control and manipulation. Many grandmothers do not attend the birth of their grandkids and are still able to form a loving bond.
Please speak to your doctor and the maternity ward, and tell them that under no circumstances is your MIL (or anyone else not on the list you provide) allowed near you or your baby.
If your fiancé is this insensitive to your needs you might want to consider excluding him from the delivery room as well.
> My fiancé says if I really loved him I’d compromise on this.
If he really loved you, he’d drop this nonsense. See? It goes both ways. Such a pity that you are discovering that you are engaged to a manipulative arsehole just as you are about to give birth. Buckle in, as this is only the start of it.
You said it yourself— it’s not a spectator sport. You get to pick the support you want and if he doesn’t shape up, he’s going to be excluded too.
**Please read this**
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats
At this stage I would not want to have fiancee in the room as he’ll just take the baby otle let his mother in.
Buy his mother a book about grandmothers as she certainly has a lot to learn, she is over involved and needs to learn her place.
The bigger issue is your fiance as he has not understood he is building a family with you and his family of origin is no longer a priority.
This sentence is the big red flag for me. “if I really loved him I’d compromise on this”. This is emotional manipulation. You are the one who will have their hooha on full display, and that means you are the one who gets to decide who is in the room.
Nope nope nope. This woman is going to tell you how to raise your child if you allow this. No candy allowed? She’ll get it for your child. Ear piercings? You won’t have a say. Specific bedtime? She’ll not allow it. You need to stop her behavior now. AND I MEAN NOW. Before the baby arrives.
I can’t imagine a mother let alone a MIL even asking to be in the room. I was in the room with my daughters because they asked me to be, I would never assume I would even be asked. One of my daughters first baby was just her and her husband and I never gave it a second thought, It was during Covid so it was a no anyway. Her second, she and her husband had Covid and she was getting a c-section and they wouldn’t allow him in the room so she called me up from the hospital asking me to come in with her. My second daughter had me and her husband there and it was an honor. Of course I was overjoyed to be there for them, but honestly my feelings wouldn’t be hurt if they didn’t ask.
Your MIL is being selfish and so is your husband.
Make it your birth plan. No one in the delivery room but my partner. Those nurses will, at all costs, keep her out.
Edited for spelling.
“Sure, after you do one little thing for me..
Strip naked, lay on the bathroom floor, put your knees up, and shit in front of my mother. Not a little poo, but a big one. After you take a triple dose of laxatives, because you really need to feel those cramps and push it ALL out.
Oh, to make it really *real*, like a delivery room, I might have some people you don’t know pop in and out. It will be quick- you won’t even notice.
And then later that day, when you are all cleaned up, we are going to have my parents over for dinner, and you are going to be in a *very good* mood. Not weird at all.
You do all that, and then I will agree.
Ask him if he is willing to lie naked spread eagle on a table for 12 hours in front of your mom, while in the most intense pain humanly possible. You can easily set it up though without the pain.
Your birth is not about his mother, it’s not even about him. He has ZERO say in anything related to your birthplan, and that goes 1000x for anyone else.
It is deeply worrying that he is making it about his mother, and his family are trying to bully you into submission. I’d start planning for the divorce, because you just got a glimpse of what you future with this guy will be, and where your needs, and your childs needs, will figure on his list of priorities for the indefinite future.
I would let the doctor or someone on staff know ahead of time to not let your MIL in. Just in case he tries to go against your wishes.
Sounds like you’re gonna be second to his mom in this relationship and probably already are. This could be miserable. Idk if I’d marry into something like that. You’re not married yet. I’d run 🏃🏾♀️ but that’s just me.
Back in high school I had a teacher who warned us that anyone who uses the phrase “if you love me, you’ll do xyz…” doesn’t really love you. And that’s your future husband…prioritizing his mother’s feefees over your comfort during **childbirth**. Fuck him AND her, she should know better.
I always say this for situations like this – if your mommy wasn’t watching us have sexy time then she sure doesn’t need to be there at the birth
I think you might possibly need to consider if you really want to marry this man’s mommy, because that’s what’s going to happen when you tie the knot.
It’s not going to *stop* with her forcing her way into the delivery room, *that’s just where it STARTS*.
It’s not about the delivery and being present, it is about her already overstepping all set boundaries and your husband not choosing your side. This will be your long life battle. She will be there when the baby comes out, she will be there holding the baby probably before you get to hold the baby, she will be in your home when you don’t want her there, she will continuously challenge you on every decision and step you take. Cut her and even husband out if the will never chose your side
You are the one on the bed bleeding and screaming and possibly shitting yourself. Anyone present should be totally at your discretion.
MiL doesn’t need to bond as a mom, she can bond as a grandparent later.
All that matters during birth is your comfort. The family can meet the baby later. Tell fiance he gets onboard with putting you first or he won’t be there either,
I lost it at her planning the nursery without you. It’s not HER baby. I have an overbearing mother like this. No kids yet but I can just imagine my mother being so insanely entitled. I promise you, it will not stop. You need to push back. She’s giving narc vibes while her son (your hubby) is used to enabling her and letting her have her way. Do not ruin your firsts for her. She’s already had her firsts. She can see the baby once it’s come. Don’t let her kiss the baby either!!
As a mother of 2 boys. No. Giving birth is massive, it can be scary and exhausting. Many people will have their hands up inside you. You will be at the extreme of your experiences. He is there purely to support you. So, if he can not support you before you are even in labour, maybe he shouldn’t be there on the day.
This is your experience, not his. You ultimately decide who gets to be there and who doesnt.
Also, the fact she is saying the mother of the baby is stopping HER from bonding with the baby is a giant red flag. Those first few days are extremely important for mum and bub. That is when you bond. I would consider some marriage counselling prior to the birth, because this man should be backing you, not his mother.
Stand your ground. The hospital staff will only let in who you want.
Marrying him will be the biggest mistake of your life.
Has he shown his penis to your mom yet? Taken a dump on his back while your mom holds his hand and watches his face?
It’s obvious he is letting this pressure from his mom overtake him. It tells me he hasn’t yet shifted his understanding of self and responsibility away from the childhood home and into his new role of husband and father. It’s a shift that must happen and he needs to reflect on that before he’ll truly have your interests put first.
Good luck!
Birth is not a spectator sport. But I would take this as a sign of your life if you don’t get a handle on this NOW. Your fiancé values his mommy’s feelings more than yours. It would be a hard pass for me
No. The last thing about the baby that you get to decide unilaterally, along with breastfeeding, is who gets to be in the delivery room. It’s your choice alone and your fiancé has no say in the matter, and the hospital will back you up.
You are not being unreasonable. You will be incredibly vulnerable and no one is entitled to be present for your *medical procedure*. You’re going to be in pain, the last thing you’ll need is more stress and discomfort.
Be prepared for her to bulldoze through all of your boundaries once the baby is born as well. If she’s already pushing you now (like planning the nursery without asking you), it will only get worse. I would suggest couples counseling immediately because at this point, I have no faith that your fiancé will have your back. He’s showing you he doesn’t right now. If he won’t do couples counseling, I simply would not marry him. If he continues to not have your back after couples counseling, leave him. You deserve better.
I love my MIL, she is an amazing woman. She bought me all of my maternity clothes and she was so excited during my pregnancy (all of them!) I love her like she’s my mom. I still did not have her in the room when I actually gave birth (she did visit while I was in labour)
She had no issues bonding with the kids at all. In fact, my oldest has always said that she is her favourite, even over me and her dad 😂
Your fiance and his mother are asses.