problem: person i’m in an undefined relationship with is messing with my peace of mind but i can’t let go. if i can’t break up with him, how can i, at least, set boundaries so i don’t end up bleeding myself dry?
context: we’ve been exclusively together for +/-7 months. talking everyday. seeing each other at least once a week. engaging in intimacy. he’s emotionally avoidant, and a little bit selfish. i am an anxious people-pleaser (sorry i know i hate it too). sometimes i don’t understand why i like him so much.
previous attempts: lots of talks that have gone nowhere, a short-lived break-up that lasted for a week.
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i have been seeing this person for more than half a year. no labels, but he says the “feelings are serious.” i say, alright, that’s fine. we “broke up” a month ago but got back together shortly after (lol, stupid, i know). i broke up with him because i felt like it just wasn’t working. i tend to lean into emotional matters while he actively avoids them. he’s got a lot of issues that he refuses to confront, and i’ve gotten past the point of wanting to help him get through it, but at the same time he also lets these anxieties seep in our “relationship.” it’s getting very tiring and i don’t really know what to do anymore. he can’t seem to help himself, refuses help from me, but at the same time uses me for emotional relief. he’d open up about how he’s feeling, but as soon as i try to ask him questions (to try to help him untangle the mess in his brain), he goes all defeatist mode and says it’s so hard to change. and it makes me feel so helpless and drained.
everyday i am questioning why i’m still sticking around. maybe it’s the sheer comfort of not being alone. but i’m not gonna lie, i feel like i’ve been dragged into his mess and i’m clawing my way out but i cant. i do care about him. i want him to get better for himself. i want him to stop self-abandoning. but i’m afraid my presence is only exacerbating this because he’s just getting complacent. just a few weeks ago, after we broke up, he said it was the most painful thing he’s gone through in years, and that he’s realizing so much about what he needs to change. but now, idk. it’s like he’s back to his old self. emotionally dismissive (to me and to himself), numbing himself out with distractions.
part of me feels really bad for him and how he can’t confront the consequences of his actions/inactions. part of me understands, because i’ve been there (it’s a neverending battle, tbh). part of me is angry because he’s too selfish to see that i’m willingly taking collateral damage to help him sort through his shit.
i think it’s also worth mentioning though, that a big part of why i am staying, is because of how sexually compatible we are. i guess i’m afraid to lose that connection because i really haven’t had this with anyone else.
not sure what to do anymore. any advice would help.