Me and my husband have a arranged/ contract marriage dynamic. It was mutual agreement not cultural or religious.
Back story: He’s 15 years older, demanding corporate career, travels constantly. I grew up in a religious community and spent years in temples and monastery, which was the most peaceful time of my life : sweeping temples yards, playing with kittens, feed the stray dogs, helping the monks, praying and meditating . Eventually wanted to completely become a nun when I was 18, but my family objected and send me to study something useful in Europe where I met my husband a few years later.
He wanted to settle down and I also thought if I am going to date then I don’t want to be casual, as I am very new to western dating scene. So we agreed to simply get married. No wedding , just signing papers small ceremony for our parents only and I kept my marriage a secret because I feel exposed being his wife since he travels a lot for work all around the world.
He said : absolutely no emotional work. He works a lot so dont chase him, dont bother him ever and its fine for me because I also don’t want to. I am not emotionally dependent on him at all. He calls in daily for a few mins for some business talk, tax, mails etc. We don’t date , we don’t hold hands, we don’t go out , he is rarely home. If I want something he gets it for me, he rarely says no to anything, the end, very unromantic . We are very pragmatic and businesslike. We go on vacation 1-2 times a year only. Sometimes I tag along on his business trips.
Fast forward we realize we actually can’t stand each other. I am so annoyed at him, and he is annoyed at me. I felt territorial over the house even he is away 90% of the time. Also I will never get used to his presence like: why is a man in my house kind of feeling. Moreover he is stressed and constantly jetlagged and would let his frustration on me by being so mean to me, belittling , micromanaging , order me around like he is still in his corporate mode. We fought a lot because I refuse to obey if he talks to me like that. He apologized, made up by gifts or cooks for the family to help me around the house a bit, yet never learn ,rinse and repeat. It’s exhausting. We already talked about divorce he would just shut it down, because we have 2 kids together and he is otherwise a good dad. We only get along and cordial when he is away but the moment he come back I just want to leave. I am just glad he left a few days again.
Despite all that our sexual chemistry is strong and I can’t resist him/ addicted to it. He put emphasis on my pleasure, sometimes he only wants to get me off, took control, but he doesn’t want to, went back to work nonchalantly. I felt so conflicted because i am afraid it’s a dead marriage but we have lots of sex. I just miss my old simple life in temple so much I felt so dirty sometimes because I don’t want to enjoy sex with him, I don’t want to feel desire, it’s my weakness and I hate myself for being so fixated on him physically since he is my first too.
I don’t want to abandon my kids I love them. I am not stressed out even 90% of the time I managed them alone like a single mom. I love being a mom I would love to have a few more kids too. Yet I sometimes wish I didn’t listen to my parents and became a nun instead so I never meet him. I don’t know what to do.