my boyfriend (M27) has abandonment issues from adoption and always tells me(F21) i don’t love him. we’ve been together for 2 and a half years, he says he doesn’t mean it and it’s like a tick but i told him it hurts me really deep and i want him to stop. he hasn’t stopped and it’s starting to get to me, everytime he says it i want to cry and he says he would stop but he doesn’t. when i brought it up this morning he immediately made it about what we can both do better when im trying to better myself for him everyday and it’s just this one thing that i want him to stop doing. i texted him before work that i want him to keep his promise and not say that anymore and he accused me of just wanting to fight and not wanting to be his peace, i try to be his peace but it’s hard when i feel like im never enough. how can i communicate with him without him making it about ‘me’ or ‘us’ all the time?
Update: He apologized but not for the “you don’t love me” problem but for something else entirely. I feel like because of his adhd his brain is delayed and he doesn’t understand or listen to me a lot of times. Context: This morning he nitpicked me for my cleanliness (ive been deep cleaning our apartment for 3 days because while I was recovering from wisdom teeth surgery he let our place mold and go to shit, he used to be a hoarder). He listened off things that I should still do to make it better in here while he’s at work. Im on vacation right now so I don’t mind. He kept criticizing me and when I finally lashed out because I can’t handle too many chores at once he told me I need to stop arguing with him and be his peace. When he left I texted him that I love him and he replied with “idk” (he does this a lot and it means the same thing as you don’t love me). I started crying and texting him to please for once be mindful of his promise if he’s going to pick apart my promises (i didn’t put our cleanser back in the shower). Then he told me what am I going to do better in this relationship to be his peace? I told him to stop deflecting and just stop saying I don’t love him because it’s getting too much im already breaking my back for him everyday and that should be proof enough. I tell him I love him everyday. He kept deflecting and told me that if I don’t change something I should go home to my parents. I told him I don’t want to fight and im usually his peace unless he’s overstepping my boundaries and to please not say that anymore because it’s harming my mental health. he ended up apologizing for nitpicking me this morning… and then said I also need to change things