Reddit, I am tired. I need some advice on how to even move forward I suppose. Or if I truly am not doing enough and am being ignorant.
My spouse and I separated from the military back in 2023. We’ve been stay at home parents to three kids since then. This past October my wife approached me and stated I needed to get a job, because finances were tight. I had originally stated prior to this conversation I was going to focus on getting a job after the holidays, but agreed to do so now as she was right. Money was tight. I found a seasonal job at a local Amazon warehouse and started at the end of November. It’s a night shift job, originally 1:20 am – 11:50 am schedule, Sunday to Wednesday. With it being peak season, our schedules were adjusted to 12:20 am – 11:50 am, Sunday to Thursday. So an extra hour every night, as well as an extra day, of work.
This was a major adjustment for me. I had just had a hysterectomy at the beginning of October, with complications. My doctor had stated that I wasn’t to return to normal activity until December 8th. With needing the money, I decided to go against doctor’s orders and still started my job at the end of November, praying I wouldn’t come into anymore complications. Still, the adjustment was hard. My wife is currently doing TMS treatments, which are an everyday appointment. Additionally, my twin girls (6 years old) both started weekly play therapy. My girls are in school, which ends at 3:15. My son who is 4, is in preschool which ends at noon.
Since working this job, I’ve worked maybe 2-3 full shifts. I usually accept voluntary time off anywhere between 6:00-9:00 am and book it home. If I get home before the kids go to school, I will take over the morning routine of breakfast, getting the kids dressed, etc. Sometimes my wife will take them to school. Other times I will, if I’m home. We usually will leave the house by 8:30 am to make it to school in time. If I don’t do the morning routine, then the kids are guaranteed to be late to school, because my wife is never out the door in time. I haven’t brought this up to her, but it does make me worried.
Additionally, if my wife has a TMS appt to attend at 2:00 pm, I will stay awake solely to take care of the kiddos during that time. I will usually pick up my son at noon, and hang with him until she gets back from her appt. Once she gets back at around 3:30 pm, I will finally head to bed. Usually falling asleep between 4:00-5:00 pm, and then waking up anywhere between 9:30 pm and 11:00 pm. I have to be up at 11:00 pm to get ready for work and leave by 11:30 pm to make it to work on time. This leaves me with roughly 5-6 hours of sleep on a good day, but usually ends up being closer to 4 just due to issues with falling asleep and staying asleep.
The same goes for when my girls have their therapy appts. My wife and I agreed we would take turns every week taking them to their appts. But either way, it leaves me staying up with my son to watch him while my wife takes the girls to their appts, or I’m staying up to take the girls to their appts while my wife stays home with our son. I am super understanding of this, I get that life doesn’t stop just because I need sleep. But on those days, I again don’t get to bed until later on in the day and usually only get about 4 to 5 hours.
On my days off, which were Friday and Saturday, I would usually let my wife sleep in Friday mornings. She does a lot at home taking care of the kids and the house, and I feel she needs to catch up on sleep too. Saturdays are my morning to catch up on sleep. And then it’s back to the grind Saturday night/Sunday morning. The issue with this is that by Friday, I am absolutely struggling. I am completely out of it and exhausted, as I’m running on 4-6 hours of sleep daily. I’m used to getting 8+ before I started working this job, so I think I might still be in a transition period?
That’s the backstory. Here’s the issue. My wife and I have gotten into it multiple times. She says I’m simply not doing enough. I need to be apart of the household, contributing equally as much as her. Just today, she said she would be better off with someone else, and that I’m really just not a good enough or present enough parent. Honestly this was like a knife in the gut for me, because I am truly trying my best. On top of trying to be there for morning routines, kids appts and events, I’ve been struggling with a lot of pain. The new job is physically demanding. My knees are feeling it, I have blisters all over my feet which make it difficult to walk, and a huge knot in my neck that simply won’t go away and is affecting my ability to do the job until the end of shift. The physical aspect of it all is one of the main reasons I keep taking VTO and not fully finishing my shifts. By lunch at 6:00 am I have applied icy hot to my neck at least 4-5 times and I’m limping across the warehouse. I’ve seen my doctor just this past week, who referred me to physical therapy. I’m just waiting on the phone call to come through.
Anyway. Yeah. Idk. Wife and I got into it again this morning, saying the same stuff. I’m not being an equal partner. I’m an absent parent. I’m not doing enough for the household. Etc. I tried bringing up a solution: maybe I can be the stay at home parent, and take care of the kids and the house, while she gets a full time job with her degree. In fact, she might even be able to find a better job since she has her degree and I don’t. She told me absolutely not, because that would be her picking up the pieces while I slack off. This doesn’t make much sense to me, since she consistently claims she’s at her breaking point being a stay at home mom and taking care of everything. If anything, I feel like her finding a job might give her a break from the stay at home nuances and give her some type of purpose she could enjoy. Additionally, she keeps telling me I’ve been irritable lately and I need to get back on meds, specifically my Abilify. I’m still on my Lexapro and Adderall, and I’ve seen my psychiatrist just last week who said my increase in irritability is because of my lack of sleep. My wife won’t take this as an answer, says her feelings are her own, that my psychiatrist is only giving me that answer based off what I tell her (as if I’m leaving information out purposefully), and that I’m making her feel crazy.
Idk what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing it. If I could skip sleep entirely and just work, take care of the kids, the house, and my wife I absolutely would. But I’m not superwoman and I’m trying my absolute best to be everything she wants. I’m just not enough though. Idk what to do. What would you guys do? Am I being an ignorant pussy over this or idk, what should I even do??? I need some outside perspectives, advice, ideas…anything. Thanks Reddit, if you made it this far. I know it’s long.