Me (40m) and my wife (42f) have one 10 year old son. Married 12 years, together 20. She's a stay at home mom who cares for our son and dogs.

We've had our share of fights and built up a lot of resentment and silence between each other, and about a week ago she started acting very cold towards me in a new almost mean way. She's not a toxic or cruel person, but is very easily triggered and has ADHD.

I've been working hard over the past few years to lean in and do my share around the house, although admittedly I am tired after work.

I brought it up, and she kept saying she was fine, then one night she was up late giggling so I (sorry I know) went through her phone and saw she's been flirting with a guy she met online. He lives in another state and I'm pretty sure I discovered the situation before it got sexual but they were saying things like "dream of me" and I love you despite only having known each other for like a month.

When I confronted her she basically said she liked the attention and I've been distant (true) and resentful (also true) and so she's been lonely.

I realized during this time she was treating me coldly I'd been treating her similarly out of resentment and not standing up for myself and that's not okay and I am willing to own up to my part in this largely emotional affair and messing up our marriage and I said I will change and prove I will change and I want to rebuild this basically burned down marriage.

She told him she wants to rebuild her marriage with me and shouldn't have been leading him on and blocked him. (Also can I take a moment to say GOD what a loser this guy was, some 25 year unemployed chronically online gaming kid living with his mom who looks like he never showers, I think that hurts more than cheating itself)

We've had a few talks since and she has expressed she's not sure she can get over our past history and doesn't trust that I'll really change but she stops short of saying she wants out.

I've asked her a few times if she just wants out and she says she doesn't know, she needs space and time.

Note this has all happened in the last week, so it's all very fresh.

When she talks about staying she mostly says that she wants a good family for our son and we have a comfortable life, when she talks about leaving she says she wants to find herself and I've been holding her back.

She wants another child and has for a long time but we've not conceived. I told her I'm open to pursuing that further or adopting despite our somewhat older age BUT we first have to be in a good place. She also wants a new car, and has for a while and I've been holding off because of troubles at work and potential lay offs. Fair points against me.

So the last few days she's been hot and cold. She goes from looking at me like I just shot her puppy to being affectionate and warm and once even said "you might get lucky tonight you know?" and then back to "you're just pretending, this wont stick, I don't know what I want."

A few times after some long vulnerable talks she's said "Okay, I'm staying, I'm in." and then later basically acted as though we never had the talk. She has ADHD so maybe that plays a role. She recently got off SSRIs after trying those for two months and switched to Adderal extended release, so possibly there's at least some chemical issues going on.

She said she needs time and I said okay but we cannot keep doing this hot/cold thing.

She says whenever she's affectionate I take it too far — IMO I just reciprocate what she signals to me but I accept I may be wrong.

She refuses therapy and always has, she also doesn't want to talk to any friends or family about this, she says it's none of their business and doesn't want to air dirty laundry. She has always felt this way.

Her mother was a narcissist and wrecked her, I also suffered a chronic physical, emotional and sexual abuse and have OCD so we're just a couple of nut jobs to an extent. I think to an extent we got together to care for and heal each other, although we genuinely had a lot of good times and good memories, it was not toxic or abusive, and IMO only dipped into bad times on and off throughout the last few years.

My big overarching thing that pisses me off though is she's not leaning in to help fix this.

She says she doesn't' know how to make me happy and can't be what I want and can't please me sexually (I really like oral sex – both ways – and she doesn't and is not comfortable with her body). I will admit I stopped pursuing her sexually because I felt it always had to be her way, like when she wanted, how she wanted, and she always had to drink a couple of bottles of wine.

And for example she'd always do this thing where when I initiated she'd say "not today, maybe… [two days from now]?" and that caused me to just give her sex when she wanted it but not pursue her. She has been working with me on this recently.

I don't always understand her perspective but I try hard to validate it and her feelings and use reflective listening to get us on the same page.

She has said a few times she's not sure if she can love me again and then in another time she'll say she loves me.

She says she needs time and often lists a lot of reasons and things that we wont work out but rarely ever says nice things. Yesterday all of us were cuddling on the couch and she said "it feels nice to have hope."

Then today it was the same cold routine again.

Finally this bi-polar thing was driving me nuts so tonight I just told her I can't do this in out dance and I will just start drafting up the divorce paperwork or whatever we need to do because she doesn't seem to want to stay and I just need her decisions about how we're going to divorce to make this amicable and easy through an arbiter because I'm getting no signs she wants to stay.

To her benefit she did stop me and once we calmed down a bit we agreed to try just being friends for now. Basically no hugging/kissing/being affectionate but also no staring at each other with deep sadness and not speaking. Don't pretend to be happy and do speak your mind but let's keep things friendly and give this some space and time.

So, deep breath me… The things I'm trying to figure out:

  1. Are we stupid for trying this let's be friends thing?

  2. Is she playing me or does she really not know?

  3. Are we doomed?

  4. We haven't discussed sleeping arrangement changes, but should we be sleeping in the same bed during this time? Or is it smarter to sleep in separate beds? A friend told me psychologically we can't work through it and really find answers if every night we're sleeping next to each other signalling we're still a couple

I know I am to blame for a lot of our marriage and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, and make real permanent accountable changes, but I wont stay with someone who doesn't choose me back and she keeps floating this idea that she never will and is staying for our son.

Please be kind to me, I'm not a perfect man but I am trying to be the best I can and am going through a lot right now.


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