I am looking for perspective from people who have navigiated Christmas expectations and family dynamics in marriage.
I am 28 and my husband is 32. Right now, we spend all of Christmas with his family, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. This includes going to his parents’ house in the morning to open presents and then spending the rest of the day and evening there. Even though we are married adults, there is an expectation that we follow his family’s full Christmas schedule. I have never objected to this and have gone along with it.
Recently, we were talking hypothetically about the future and what Christmas might look like once we have kids. I shared that at that point, I would want to alternate Christmases year by year between his family and mine so both sets of grandparents get Christmas Day sometimes.
For context, my family is very small. It is just my mom, dad, and me. They are immigrants to Canada and did not grow up celebrating Christmas traditionally, but they live here now and try. They put up a tree and lights. For them, Christmas is more about not being alone and being together than about tradition.
My husband reacted very strongly. He says Christmas Day is extremely important to his family, that he has always spent Christmas Day with them since he was born, and that his mom would be devastated if he was not there. He has also said that my family does not really celebrate Christmas, so it matters less for them.
He keeps suggesting that my family can just celebrate on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, and asks why it matters so much to have Christmas Day specifically.
What is hard for me is that his sister once spent Christmas with her boyfriend’s family and that was considered fine. But when I talk about alternating in the future, it is framed as me trying to take something away from his family.
Another part of this is that my husband gets very defensive whenever the topic of his family or Christmas traditions comes up. When I try to explain why this matters to me, he says he does not understand and keeps repeating that it is different because Christmas is so important to his family. I end up feeling dismissed rather than heard.
I am not asking to change anything right now. I am not asking for every Christmas. I am just trying to avoid a future where my parents never get Christmas Day with their grandkids and where we never get to decide how we spend Christmas as our own family.
When these conversations happen, I notice resentment building, which worries me because I do not want that in our marriage. I am wondering how other couples have handled situations where one partner’s family has very strong Christmas expectations and the other partner feels like there is little room for balance or autonomy.
Any perspective would be appreciated.