I (38M) am a self-employed building surveyor. A week before Christmas, a client got in touch and asked if I could facilitate an urgent job between Christmas and New Year. Having no kids and very little else to do in that period, and with the money being offered being substantial for the rush job, I agreed to 2 days work, today and tomorrow (29th/30th December). The client is great, the money is great, and I had no other plans. The work is in London, I live in the north of England, so it's hotel stays for me as is the norm for my business, staying Sunday night til Tuesday night and travelling back on Wednesday (New Years Eve) to enjoy the festivities.
I told my girlfriend (33F) about this work I'd taken on and she immediately wanted to come with me. I asked why and she said we could have a nice break in the capital and spend some time together. I told her that this isn't a holiday, it's work, and that she's welcome to join me if she can entertain herself but I'm working so she better not moan about me getting up at 6am. She said this was fine, she could see some friends and go to the markets, the shops, tourist stuff etc so I added her name to the hotel room and booked her a train ticket (central London, I'm not paying a fortune to park 45 mins away from site).
We travelled yesterday afternoon and got to the hotel, where the first issue arose. It's a budget hotel, part of a large chain that I regularly use, with very basic facilities. She didn't think it was nice enough for a "romantic break". I reminded her this is NOT a romantic break and I'm not spending business income on anything I don't need, like a swanky hotel room, and the room was booked before she asked to join. She pulled her face a bit but didn't say anything else about it.
I got to my usual work routine, unpacking clothing, putting tools on to charge, then went to scout the property and nearby amenities. I told her I was off to do this, checked if she needed anything from the shops and headed out, with her just getting into the shower as I left. I returned about an hour later with my usual haul of bottled water, protein bars and bananas which sees me through the working day 'til I find usually a kebab house or similar for a hot evening meal. I'm not poor by any means, but whatever is spent when away still comes out of my profits so I try to stay reasonably cheap.
When I returned, around 6pm by this time, she was dressed up in a nice outfit and part way through putting her makeup on. I assumed she'd made plans with a friend so asked her where she was going. She got quite angry at this and snapped at me to put my "nice clothes" on so we could go out. I pointed out that I had not brought any nice clothes, and that I wasn't going out as I had work the next morning. This went down like a lead balloon. She immediately started crying and saying I'd ruined her plans for a nice meal at some restaurant she'd apparently made a reservation for. I again reminded her that I'm not on holiday, I'm up at 6am and I was doing nothing more than eating, sleeping and playing on my Switch 2, which aggravated her more; cue more tears and another complaint about the hotel not being nice enough. I told her she's upset entirely due to her own actions and refusal to listen to me and that I was not sympathetic to her tears when she unilaterally decided my work trip was our romantic getaway. She locked herself in the bathroom so I went out and got us some food.
By the time I returned, she seemed to have reflected upon everything and apologised to me. She'd gotten changed into her comfies. We ate, chilled out for a bit doomscrolling then watched a film before bed. I set my alarm for the morning and reminded her I was up at 6, then got in bed whilst she was finishing up in the bathroom. As she comes out of the bathroom, she makes a big thing about looking at her. As I had literally just got my head on the pillow I told her whatever it was could wait to tomorrow and to get in bed. She shouted at me "I've put in all this effort and you're not even going to look?!" so I reluctantly roll over, grab my glasses, flick the bedside lamp on and look over to see her in a very sexy maid's outfit with all the trimmings. She climbed onto the bed and immediately started trying to initiate sex, but I stopped her, told her yes she looked amazing but it's nearly midnight, I'm up in a few hours and need to get some rest. She shouted "well fuck you" and locked herself in the bathroom again. I took my glasses off, flicked the light off and rolled back over to sleep. I'm not sure exactly how long afterwards (I was in a semi-sleep state) she got into bed, gave me a hug and said she's sorry for shouting. I get up the next morning, got showered and dressed quietly then gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, said I love her, was off to work and left.
It was a pretty normal working day, nothing of note, and I left around 6pm getting back to the hotel just before half past. She was in the room when I got back and asked if she'd had a good day, she said she'd been shopping as was evidenced by the various bags scattered around the place. I go get in the shower and when I come out she tells me she's laid clothes out for me. I look on the bed to find a whole brand new outfit, shirt, trousers and shoes. I told her thanks but I was getting onto my comfy gear since I'd been in work gear all day and she snapped "you're not going out in your scruffs!" which caught me off guard, so I asked "why not?" which led to her informing me we were going for food and drinks with a friend of hers and the friends husband.
I lost my shit at this point. This was the 3rd time in about 24 hours I'd reminded her I'm here for work, not whatever stupid ideas she had in her head. She got upset at me calling her ideas stupid, but I countered with the fact that unilaterally planning romantic ideas on a "working fucking trip" was "incredibly fucking stupid", which caused her to start crying. I told her I'm not interested in her crocodile tears, she's a full grown woman who has elected to ignore everything she's been told, make plans for others they've no interest nor capability in undertaking, and she's now upset because she isn't getting what she wanted. She said I didn't care about her which I flipped right back, pointing out she'd literally decided to ignore everything I'd told her repeatedly, and so she could sulk from now until 2036 if she wants but she's entirely at fault for this and I'm taking no responsibility for her being upset as it's wholly self-inflicted. She was bawling her eyes out at this point so I got dressed and went out to get food, texting her to let me know if she wanted anything. She immediately replied saying she's going home (open return train ticket thankfully). I got back to the hotel about 30 minutes ago and she has indeed packed up her stuff and left.
I'm now sat alone in my hotel room, picking at the food I got for her, struggling with one simple question: how could I have made it any clearer that my work trip is not our romantic getaway?
36 comments
You couldn’t even go to dinner?
You shouldn’t have brought her, that’s how you make that clear.
You both should have talked about your expectations more.
You absolutely could have gone for dinner and be in bed by ten thirty ready to work in the morning.
I am hoping this is fake because it’s hard to believe someone could be that clueless.
She had no business expecting a “romantic getaway” for your work trip.
It also seems like you just don’t like her. You couldn’tve gone to dinner? Couldn’t bang out a quickie?
Your girlfriend sounds like a child but it also sounds like you went out of your way to be deliberately rude and hostile to her – going to dinner wouldn’t have significantly impacted your eight hours of sleep you just didn’t want to do it? Why did you even let her come.
Honestly it sounds like you don’t like her very much
Do you even like your girlfriend? Damn.
I mean I think both of you suck. She didn’t take your work trip seriously but you certainly went out of your way to prove your point to her. You could have compromised with one dinner. You could have just not yelled at her. But she was out of line as well. You don’t seem to care about her or even like her very much and she is very needy. I don’t think you are compatible, unless you’re mean to all your gfs. idk
Dude come on
I’m not saying she was right, but you couldn’t go out to dinner one night? Couldn’t have sex?
Had to swear at her over and over?
You handled this really badly
Also hoping this is fake because bro, why are you so mean to your wife who was excited to spend time with you?
There was definitely a nice middle ground here and you couldn’t be bothered to try and find it. One day (probably when she leaves you), you’ll realize little things stack up. You sound really cruel as someone who has also tagged along and have had my spouse tag along during work things.
But yeah, enjoy playing video games instead of dining or banging your wife (for now). Pathetic.
If you get off work at 6 and sleep at midnight explain why you couldn’t go out for a quick dinner? This does not appear to be a particularly stressful job and you didn’t say you need to prep at night.
Honestly, you sound like you’re keeping her at arms length and you’re not really into her at all. Do you want the convenience of a girlfriend without doing the work to build a real relationship. It was your responsibility to not invite her just as it was her responsibility to understand that it wasn’t going to be a holiday getaway. But honestly, you don’t sound like you’re being very fair to her.
I really hope she gets away from you. You don’t want a loving partnership.
I woke up for work at 6am today. Guess what I did last night? Went out for dinner with my wife and then banged her after. Wasn’t that hard.
It sounds like she was making desperate bids for you to notice her, spend time together and love her.
You are obviously well within your rights to say no and yes her expectations were probably unrealistic, but shit, do you even like her? Couldn’t grab one dinner? Could compromise a little?
I don’t think this is going to work out mate. Yes you’re right, this was a business trip. You were very clear this is a business trip. But unless you consider binary thinking a prized personality trait, there was plenty of room to compromise to have your cake and eat it. You could work, go out to dinner and get laid.
This became more about you digging your heels in and being right than anything else. If you don’t have the ability to compromise, then relationships are not something you should have in your life.
Her not listening is definitely an issue. Is this normal behaviour for her? If it is, then that isn’t compatible for relationships either.
I do see your point and she did do this to herself but damn, you couldn’t just go for dinner with her once? Or spend any time with her in the evening at all? Sounds like neither of you communicated properly before the trip. Also, saying going out for dinner would impede on your ability to work doesn’t track when you’re going to bed at midnight anyway…
Also, as one UK business owner to another, spending a bit more on a hotel and dinner while you’re away working is literally one of the perks of owning a business. It’s tax deductible… enjoy life a little.
all i can say is thank god my bf loves me. he asks me to join work trips, we do our own things during the day and then try to fit in at least one dinner together, even if he is sooo mighty and important and has to be up in the morning.
yeah she’s being unreasonable but she’s not demanding anything but some time with you… also side eyeing the description of her. it just is dripping with contempt. i don’t think OP likes his gf and that seems to be the real issue.
it’s crazy you wrote this whole thing with the internal bias to paint yourself in a good light and it still sounds rude. makes me wonder what the actual full story is.
Do you like this woman?
Ignore that she’s your girlfriend. Ignore that you’re in a relationship.
Do you *like* her?
You told her not to complain about you waking up at 6 am, doesn’t sound like she did. Not being a romantic getaway is different from you being completely unwilling to do anything at all with her, you should have told her you’d be ignoring her the entire trip. It’s not okay for her to make plans without talking about them, but you talk about her (and from what you’ve said, to her) like you dislike her so she’s probably picking up on you disliking her and trying to connect.
My take from this is that you don’t even like her. She shouldn’t have expected a getaway but the way you talk about her shows you don’t like her. Y’all should break up.
Ehh, listen. I travel for work a fair bit and sometimes my wife will join me. Often if she comes, it’s a nice area/nice ish hotel, but sometimes not. I’m an environmental engineer and do contract work that can often be something like 6AM-6PM so I get it, I love getting back to the hotel, showering and chilling until bed. But if she made the effort to come down with me, I will absolutely plan at least 1-2 date nights while we’re there. One job, we’d eat dinner and just walk around a mall just to do something.
She even heard you say you didn’t have any nice clothes and then got some for you. That’s super sweet of her. You gotta care more, man.
Although you may be technically right, I think being a little flexible would have been a kind and thoughtful gesture. You had to eat anyway so giving her a meal in a restaurant doesn’t seem unreasonable.
You were happy to stay up till midnight playing on your switch, or doomscrolling, or watching a film in the room. But you couldn’t go out to an early dinner with your gf. Your priorities are clear dude, and she’s not one of them. Do her a favor and break up.
You made it clear this was a work trip, but that part isn’t the issue.
What is the issue is that this reads like two people in completely different relationships. You’re operating from “work is work, boundaries are rules, feelings are interruptions.” She’s operating from “we don’t spend quality time together anymore, so I have to manufacture connection wherever I can.”
Yes, she absolutely set herself up to fail by trying to turn a work trip into a romantic getaway and ignoring what you told her. That’s on her. But your response wasn’t just boundary-setting, it was contempt. Calling her ideas stupid, dismissing her emotions as crocodile tears, and framing her hurt as a moral failure isn’t neutral or reasonable, it’s corrosive.
Her behavior looks less like entitlement and more like desperation. People don’t usually escalate like that unless they already feel unseen, deprioritized, and disconnected over time. The hotel, the outfits, the sex, none of that was really about London. It was about trying (badly) to get your attention and feel wanted.
You didn’t owe her a holiday, fancy dinners, or sex. But relationships do require curiosity about why your partner is acting this way. At no point do you ask what’s missing for her or whether this is about a longer-term lack of closeness. Instead, you double down on “I told you already,” as if clarity cancels emotional impact.
So the honest answer to your final question is: you already made it clear this wasn’t a romantic getaway. What you didn’t address is why your girlfriend was so hungry for connection that she tried to turn proximity into intimacy. That’s the real problem here, and ignoring it is why this blew up.
I don’t know about all that, but the way this is written makes it sound like you don’t like your girlfriend at all. You’ve written about her with nothing but disdain. I would actually describe your tone as “dripping with resentment”, if asked. Maybe look into that a little? Neither of you can possibly be happy if this is the attitude.
You made it clear it was a work trip and therefore she didn’t complain about you being out during the work day or getting up early for work. However it’s not clear why you couldn’t go out for dinner together in the evenings?
Are you unable to compromise or deviate from your usual plans? Are you incapable of speaking kindly to your girlfriend as you were extremely rude many times when it didn’t seem necessary.
Yes your girlfriend was wrong to expect a romantic getaway with a better standard of hotel. However going out for dinner outside of work hours and being spoken to with respect weren’t unreasonable expectations.
Honestly, you both suck. She didn’t listen to you and respect what you told her, but you were also an ass with how you handled it with her. You don’t even seem like you LIKE this woman, and she acts like she’s a teenager.
OP isn’t technically wrong but he also seems kinda like an annoyingly practical cheap asshole. Can’t have some dinner and fuck his lady? What a chump
Maybe get a different partner. You don’t seem to like this one. Like at all.
Just a thought here… again while you were absolutely clear about what the situation was, could it be that you were so unrelentingly strict because you wanted to “teach her a lesson “ to never ask to go with again? So it was to punish her for coming? To teach her a lesson? To control the situation so she was miserable?
I’m just throwing it out there. I could be completely off base. Just questioning the rigidity of your stance. As I said, I could be 100% off base.
i scrolled through your replies and it doesn’t seem like you want an honest answer – you just want someone to validate your behaviour and no one is doing that and you’re just arguing back. see the problem here?
You took every step to belittle and demoralize her. Even in this post, where you’re trying to make yourself sound just, it’s clear you don’t like her.
Just put this relationship out of its misery.
Not being heard is a relationship killer.
You should break up. Yes it was a work trip. Yea she didn’t listen. But it also comes across like you can’t stand the woman. Let her go.
This is mostly on her but it’s on you too.
Would it have killed you just to go to an early dinner in a restaurant with her? You stayed up to midnight anyway, so it’s not like you went to bed at 8pm.
My dad has taken my mum on work trips many times and he always has dinner with her. They go somewhere decent/nice, close by and early.
If you have time for gaming, you have time to look at her across a table and eat some food.
Otherwise, you should have just said no to her joining at all and not given in.
You also repeatedly spoke to her like she’s an idiot, treated her poorly, and then you literally called her stupid and then harangued her.
Congrats on being single for the new year. Pretty sure she’s done.
Sounds like you both suck. You couldn’t be bothered to put an ounce of effort into things eh? Do you even like her?
This is embarrassing.