My husband (39M) and I (42F) have been together for 10 years, and married for nearly 8. We have two children ages 4 and 7. We've had a dead bedroom for over two years due to his refusal to get a vasectomy after I had six pregnancies in 7 years, resulting in two live births, 3 miscarriages, and an abortion. I'm not sure how to move forward after everything has happened, and am looking for advice or various perspectives as to what I should do moving forward.
A brief history of the 6 pregnancies that I had over a 7 year period, some accidental and some intentional.
2016: Accidental pregnancy resulting in a missed miscarriage and a D&C procedure
Early 2019: The birth of our first child (intentional pregnancy)
Late 2020: Natural miscarriage of an intentional pregnancy. I bled out alone while taking care of our 2 year old while husband was on a work trip.
Early 2021: Missed miscarriage of an intentional pregnancy, resulting in another D&C procedure
Early 2022: The birth of our second child (intentional pregnancy)
Mid 2023: Abortion of an accidental pregnancy
I asked my husband to get a vasectomy after the birth of our second child, as I had already had 3 miscarriages, two surgeries, and two difficult pregnancies and postpartums, and we both knew we were done wanting children. I was particularly adamant that I was under no circumstances going to have a 3rd child. I had previously been on birth control pills for over 15 years prior to meeting my husband, and no longer wanted to use that as a form birth control. I considered getting a tubal removal, but because a vasectomy would be much less invasive, and also considering all that I had been through with past pregnancies and miscarriages, I felt that it was my husband's turn to take control of our reproductive health. He refused the vasectomy. I was disappointed, but also respected his decision. I expressed to him that if there were to be an accidental pregnancy in the future, I would not hesitate to get an abortion, as there was no possibility that I was going to have a 3rd child, but that I would really like to avoid that from happening. We (stupidly) used an ovulation tracking app and the pull-out method, resulting in me getting pregnant accidentally when our 2nd child was 15 months old. I had an abortion.
Although I was confident in my decision to have the abortion, and still am, I was not prepared for the amount of guilt, shame, and anger at both myself and my husband, that I would feel afterwards. I again begged my husband to get a vasectomy, and told him that I would not be having sex until he did so, because I was having a difficult time in the aftermath of the abortion and was never going to allow that to happen again. He agreed to do it but made no effort to make the appointment. About a month after the abortion, he tried to initiate sex with me and I reminded him of what I had said before. He then made the appointment (or at least claimed to) which he said was booked out for 3 months.
In that time period, I stuck with my boundary of not having sex, but I did do other forms of foreplay as I trusted that he was going to get the vasectomy. In the two weeks leading up to his appointment I casually asked him 3-4 times, something along the lines of, "When is your appointment again?", and he would respond, "Oh I think it's next Wednesday at 2", always prefacing with "I think". I asked him if he needed to be dropped off our picked up the day of (we are a single car family), and he insisted he was fine taking an Uber. Well, "Wednesday at 2" comes around, and I arrive home with the kids to see him sitting in his home office working. He claimed to have either forgotten the appointment or that he got too busy at work to go (this is over two years ago now, so I can't remember which). I was in disbelief, and told him that he should have booked the day off work when he made the appointment 3 months prior, and should have had an alert set on his calendar. In addition, I had reminded him of the appointment 3-4 times in the weeks leading up to it. He said he would re-book.
Two years passed, and he did not re-book the appointment. I would regularly ask him when/if he intended on doing so, and he would always make excuses and string me along saying that he was going to do it soon, but couldn't because of XYZ nonsensical excuse. He never once had a heart to heart expressing that he really didn't want to do it, or any fears that he had about it–he just continued to avoid the topic or make excuses when I would bring it up. It wasn't until we were two years into a sexlessness marriage, and had lost all intimacy and emotional connection, that I asked him how he thought our marriage could survive this way. I also told him that I was no longer going to bring up the topic, as I was tired of continually nagging him about it, but that my position had not changed regarding sex and putting myself at risk of another pregnancy. He pretty much sat there silently and did not have much of anything to say about the topic. A couple months later he tried to initiate sex with me, and when I wasn't reciprocating he casually said, "I told you I have that appointment booked right?" I told him, no, your have not informed me of that, nor have you said anything about the intention of doing so after the last time I had brought up the subject. He said, "Well I have the appointment." I asked when it was, and again it was a vague, "I think it's like month from now." I told him to come back to me after he had it done, because after the whole debacle of the last missed appointment and the subsequent two year wait, I would believe it when it was done. I also reminded him that he would need to get cleared after 3 months, and that I would not feel at ease until then.
He got the vasectomy a month later, 2 years and one month to the date of when I had the abortion. I'm trusting that he did in fact do it, although he again insisted that I didn't need to drop him off or pick him up even though I offered, so I only have his word that he did do it. It has now been 7 months since the procedure, and he has not done the 3 month follow-up sperm count check despite my constant reminders and insistence that he do so. He said he was checked at two weeks, and they told him he just had to ejaculate approximately 40 times and it wasn't necessary to get checked again at 3 months. This is contrary to everything I have read online or been told by doctors. I have repeatedly asked him to get the follow-up for my peace of mind, and he continues to make excuses.
We have had sex a handful of times since the vasectomy, mostly because I believed he was going to get the follow-up, but I no longer believe that he has the intention of doing so, and I am once again tired of nagging him about it, and am feeling increasingly at unease about having sexual intercourse.
I had plans to get a tubal removal this week, but then found out that I would have to pay 25%, or $3,500 out of pocket, and we cannot afford it. I am now considering getting on birth control.
My marriage has been destroyed in this process. All trust, intimacy, and emotional connection have been lost. He has made no attempt to fix it, or to initate a conversation about what has happened. I am terrified of another pregnancy and am unwilling to risk it. I feel he has no regard for everything my body and soul has been through, and at this point I wouldn't feel the desire to be inimate with him even if he were to get cleared.
Where can I go from here? Can this situation be fixed, and is it worth fixing?