It's a long story, but basically I've been mean and judgemental to my wife for about a year, and she's had it.
It all started at work. We got a new member on our team, and shortly after I made a big mistake that was very expensive to fix. I was mortified because I've never screwed up that bad before in my life. I had lost all self confidence, and was second guessing all my work/decisions. I was rushing to make up for lost ground, causing me to make more mistakes.
This new guy at work, let's call him Tony, took this as an opportunity to kick me while I was down. He treated every idea I had, every word I said, like it was the stupidest thing he ever heard. With rolling of eyes and swinging his head, right in my face. Even when my ideas were better and we ended up going with my idea. He would joke around with everyone in the shop except for me. He wouldn't acknowledge me or look at me even if I spoke directly to him. Amongst other disrespectful behavior including tattle telling to the bosses every chance he got.
This behavior took a massive toll on me mentally. I was broken down, ashamed, hurt, and a shell of a man. I had a bully at work, and and for some reason it mattered a lot to me.
I didn't realize, but I started taking this behavior home. I started getting irritated with my loving wife. Getting frustrated with the smallest behaviors and character factors that I all the sudden, was completely bothered by.
What I was doing effectively was bullying her the same way Tony was bullying me. Soon everything about my wife was extremely irritating. Her slight interuptions when I was talking, her stream of conscious thinking out loud, her not dressing up for me( which was for some reason a huge deal for me) etc...
All I could see were her " imperfections " from my perspective. In effect I had her walking on egg shells and afraid to anger me. I was stripping her down and destroying her self confidence and self esteem. The same way Tony was doing to me. I even started talking about divorce.
We started therapy and I started to see that all my issues with my wife, we're issues with me. I was the one who had changed, my wife was still the same loving, sweet, supportive woman she had always been even with her little quirks. So I started looking at my part, and trying to change my frame of mind and approach. The change was coming slowly, but definitely moving in the right direction.
It wasn't fast enough, or my wife started getting some self worth back and decided we needed to separate for a little while to save our marriage. Since she moved out, I realize how terrible I've been to her, and I miss her so much.
I ended up standing up to my bully at work and he respected that, and now we have a normal relationship. Which took a lot of stress off me. I feel like myself again. And I appreciate and love my wife for all her traits. She's not my selfish version of perfect, nor am I perfect. But I love all of her. We talk on the phone every day, and do a date night once a week. And I want her back home so bad. She's been gone about a month, and I know she needs more time than that. But I feel like I'm ready to love her as a whole person again. I want to support her emotionally and build her up. I want her to feel loved and appreciated. But she still needs to put herself back together.
I guess I want to rush things back to normal, but that's just me being selfish.
If anyone has been through something like this, or has some advice on how I can find some peace in being patient and supportive while she becomes ready to come back home I would greatly appreciate it. It's torture being without her, but it's also kind of nice having a pressure free environment to work on myself. And all I want to do is treat her right, like she deserves. Does anyone have any words of wisdom, or book suggestions... Anything to help me find peace with this separation and prepare me to treat her supportive and lovingly I would really appreciate it. Sorry for such a long post, and thanks if you made it to the end.