If you're up for a read of what I wrote to say to my husband tomorrow then see below. I'm sorry if it is long but this is what I will be saying and seeing where it goes.
T,
I'm honestly not sure how to write this; things just haven't been feeling the same for a while. It just feels that since I stopped drinking, my mind has been slowly going all over the place in good/bad ways.
I know you've noticed me not being affectionate with you for the last few months. I just cannot stand the smell or taste of beer, before I stopped being affectionate I used to wipe my mouth because you would have beer on your lips and it was not pleasant for me. I'd watch you stumble around either home or wake up to you at your parents house of a night of drinking. I know I did it too, and reflecting back I wasn't the greatest person and never should've went back to drinking after our son.
I hold so much resentment for the broken promises you made when I was pregnant with our kids. With the lack of taking time for the kids when school/daycare/or sickness occurred. For the lack of affection shown to me, the not knowing how to read me when we've been together for 9 years. I know you hear the frustration from me, and I got to the point of accepting the fact that my husband will not take a day off for the kids. That he will never stop drinking just "slow down on it", that he will only show affection if I do first, to initiate sex, or the rare times that I make a fuss/smart remark.
I really thought things would've been better once we got our home; but it hasn't. In the beginning it was fun and exciting but as months passed it feels like how we are at work. We just continue to act like we do at work – just coworkers that had kids together. I know we've had our talks randomly (when we/you were drinking) but within a few days its back to what it was. In not saying its all on you, I could do the same but after time and time again, it just gets tiring chasing after someone that doesn't want to chase you.
It makes it seem that the drinking was more of an influence to our relationship and we were both blinded by it to see the reality. I want so many things more then ever now, but when I think about it I'm not sure if you'll be there or not. Just thinking about you doing something with the kids and I does not bring me joy anymore, it makes me smile to see the kids happy that you are their but that is it.
I want to say let's fix this, let's bring back the spark, let's see what fun things we have missed out on, let's keep the promise of "no divorce" but I think I would be lying saying I haven't thought about divorce. About you and I not being together, about not feeling alone, about starting a new job, about renting a place, about just becoming the person I should've been a long time ago.
On christmas when we parted ways and we hugged, kissed and shared a "love you" I didn't feel different. Maybe I was expecting a kiss to reignite the want for you, the giddy feeling like the beginning, but I didn't feel it. I was more excited to spend alone time and do what I wanted to do, but I was worried about the kids and if you were drinking or how much you were drinking and if you'd wake up to them.
We need to do counseling and you stop drinking or I leave. We are not in our 20s and we have two amazing kids that need us; I need you to not hold anything in and try to figure it out on your own when I'm here. I know you said it's how you grew up but when you hold it in, your drinking increases but the silence stays. This is the only thing I can think of to try and fix this, someone to help guide us in the right direction and to keep moving forward.
- Ash