28F & 29M | dating 5 months | How do I address my boyfriend’s hurtful reaction after our first attempt at sex?

37 comments

1. Have you seen a gyno before?

2. I’m sorry that happened for you. However, he’s just proved that you’re not emotionally safe with him, so perhaps this was a blessing in disguise.

   In the meantime, there are questions to be asked about what might have gone wrong and different ways of addressing the issue. When you’re feeling ready, it could be worth making a thread to unpack what could have been done differently.

3. When you do decide to try and have sex again, invest in lube. It doesn’t matter how turned on you are or the man’s ego, your comfortability is the utmost importance.

   Edit. Grammar

4. Sounds like he’s ashamed things didn’t work out and is projecting his negative feelings onto you. I would definitely communicate with him how hurt his behavior made you. If he is the kind person you see him as let him show it through his actions. I’m sorry he made you feel like it was your fault. I’m a man but I only recently have realized how important it was for me to also have that emotional connection before sex. My first times with past partners had always lead to so much performance anxiety for me and I was honestly really angry at myself about it, but my partner at the time was very reassuring and made me feel better about it. It’s definitely a red flag for his first reaction to project it all onto you so I would be very careful to look for a pattern if you choose to continue this relationship.

5. Just wanna comment and say that this is a completely normal thing and it happened my first time too. Sucks that your partner is ignorant and reacted as such. My best advice is to explore what you’re into, and lube lol

6. I personally don’t think there is any medical problems. From what I have heard and experienced it is totally normal for your body to say no even though you yourself want different. It’s mostly about finding out your own body on your own first. And to maybe move forward you can tell him what he said hurt you and I think you should ask him was e was thinking when he said those things to you. Depending on how her response maybe you guys can move forward together.

7. Wow, what a horrid reaction.

   I don’t know how he could be so stupid and mean. That sucks. He probably thinks he fucked it up and is full of shame and is just blaming you in a knee jerk way. But fuck me, this man is an adult. He should know better.

   He took something that you could have explored with loving care together and made it your fault and added some homophobia just for fun.

   Sorry, not sure how you could feel safe exploring sex with him. What an absolute clown show.

8. Regardless – his reaction is really telling. The “right” man wouldn’t react like this, at all.

9. You know what they dont show often in media about sex? That it doesnt always go correctly. Genitals dont always fit perfectly. There are adjustment and even if you’ve been together for years and had sex with each other many times before, it just fumbles sometimes. But the communication and try again is what’s most important. He handled that is a very immature way.

   Sex for the first time can be a lot of pressure for both parties. Its not magical. It is awkward. It is expl9ratikn. It is trial and error. Mostly error.

10. What you experienced is normal as a virgin. When I was dating my now wife it took three attempts before we successfully had sex.

    Your comfort and safety should be his number 1 priority and sadly it seems to have been secondary to his own ego. Cut your losses and be grateful you didn’t experience your first time with such an asshole.

11. Oh no, I am so sorry to hear this. Has he ever been with a virgin before? My first time- it also “didn’t fit” but that didnt stop him. I bled and cried. It was NOT fun. I think most guys don’t understand this. The best thing I can say is take it slow, have a talk with him, if he loves you then he will listen. You will find that a lot of men are very ignorant to a woman’s body, how it works, what we need. I agree with other responses that HE feels ashamed and is protecting his ego. Men are dumb sometimes. Maybe TMI- but foreplay, using fingers and such is good to make penetration easier. If you were anxious, you may not have been properly readied- IE- wet and aroused, which will definitely make it more difficult. I wouldn’t necessarily throw the whole relationship away. But definitely a red flag. Best of luck to you. ❤️

12. Get yourself to a gynecologist (my preference is for a female doc!) and get checked out. That will give you answers, peace of mind, and/or a plan to deal with any physical issues. Information is what you need.

    Speaking of information, that guy sure gave you a lot of it about his character and lack of empathy. Wow. Day will come you’ll be so glad your true first time wasn’t with him.

    Also concurrent that, either way, lube is your friend! After decades, I find the tried-&-trie best fir me is coconut oil.

13. YIKES. Your body/the universe said no to this man for a reason. He’s not the one.

    You’ve gotten some great suggestions here on what to do when you try again with someone new!

14. I was crazy tight in the beginning; even a guy with a bunny penis couldn’t break me.

    The problem feeds on itself. You anticipate the pain & the fail, thus your muscles tense up even more. And around it goes.

    So I went to my doctor. He confirmed that I was unusually snug. (This ultimately becomes a feature instead of a problem). He brought in a box of vagina stretches (why does a GP have this?).

    I decided to go au natural.

    I don’t think I ever even thought of lube (young & dumb but I did try alcohol; that works great).

    Time & practice worked their magic. I won’t encourage anyone to drink but it certainly relaxed me. I imagine weed would do the same. Just don’t let your partner get too drunk.

    I became quite popular because of that snug little ya ya 😏.

    I would have a serious talk with the bf. Maybe your body is telling you he’s not The One.

    And defo, lube up.

15. Absolutely mortifying. This man would never see me naked again.

16. Been there with an earlier partner when she was a virgin. Your normal it’s just nerves got the better of you which is fine.realisticly it will always fit and I also doubt it’s a lube issue like others have stated.

    Foreplay will get you lubricated. Get him to go down on you or use his hands to start. Also if you are ready and just want to get the job done to clear your nerves positions like doggy will give him control and prevent your body from locking up and preventing it.

    Remember there is no problem with telling him to go slow or tell him it hurts. Take your time, also reassure yourself that he clearly didn’t know what he was doing either otherwise he would of got the job done instead he just acted like an asshole which is a reflection on him not you.

17. Did you guys use lube??

18. As someone who had a similar experience, LUBE for at least the first few times! It works like magic and feels great. Also try different positions if you haven’t already. My first time with my most recent ex, I was sitting on the counter of a sink and we didn’t need lube. We used lube for awhile after that though.

19. sometimes the first time it can be hard to actually do the deed because nerves and being tense or if your worried it’ll hurt but it might take another try to make it work if you know what i mean 😅 just relax yourself don’t think about it too hard & he should understand that a first time can be hard now yes it might hurt a bit & he should also be understanding of that as well

20. This happened on my first time too! It’s normal. It was like this for the first few weeks of trying 🙁 I think it was being nervous/tense. Had to do a lot of kegels and go slow.

    Anyways, I think he reacted super poorly. It’s not your fault. He got mad but he should have been a lot kinder and patient. WTF.

21. first time sex can be awkward and your body’s response is normal. your boyfriend’s reaction was hurtful and unsupportive, putting blame on you instead of offering reassurance and empathy

22. I mean this sub reddit is really crazy ..all these different responses on this one situation is enuff to make ur head explode..look people react differently to different things in different situations it’s kinda like sex there’s no one size fits all..I’ll just say have a conversation with him about his reaction and tell him how u felt about it, and if ur unsure still then put having sex on hold cause it sounds like mayb ur expectations of this man were more than the reality of things..I dunno..but sry u had to go thru all this

23. kind caring and attentive? Are these two different guys? Send him away now

24. Well it has been MANY years since my first fuck, but I do not remember it being smooth and satisfying. Both me and my partner were virgins. There was a lot of struggling to get it in, figuring how to move once we did, a ton of questions and awkwardness throughout. Sex isn’t something you just know. You have to get experience. I agree with others that you guys should invest in some good lube and some good toys. Make it a fun exploration, if you can.

    Your boyfriend isn’t being helpful, that’s for sure. He needs to invest himself in solving the problem, because he is in a relationship with you and he needs to make it good for you. If he won’t do that he deserves to be single.

25. Sounds like your body is legit rejecting him. Dig deeper into why that might be.

26. >He kept saying “this has never happened to me,” “at your age it’s really rare to not have sex,” suggested it might be a medical condition and that I should google it, and **repeatedly framed it as a “you problem not a me problem.”** 

    Welp, he’s just excluded himself from your dating pool.

    A decent man would have said, “hey, what would you like to do? Would you like for me to try oral or fingering to make you feel more comfortable? Should we take a break and try again in 30 minutes or so? Would you like to stop there and just cuddle?”

    There are decent men out there, and men who will take the time to make sure you enjoy sex, regardless of whether it’s your first time or your hundreth time. Don’t settle for less. This guy is not only a bad lover, he is a bad partner. Be thankful you only wasted 5 months on him.

27. If this happened despite you feeling turned on and comfortable/secure during the attempt, you might (MIGHT, not for sure) have vaginismus. I speak from personal experience.

    Vaginismus is when the vagina involuntarily contracts when penetrated. It has differing levels of severity depending on the person. Can you insert a tampon? Can you insert a finger? Two fingers? Even if your answer is “yes,” you may still have vaginismus, just not as severely as you could. (An erect penis is thicker than a tampon or finger, after all.)

    On the other hand, if you were nervous during your first attempt (which is perfectly normal), and/or not as aroused as you could’ve been, that can certainly make you tighten up. Make sure there’s plenty of foreplay beforehand and that you use plenty of lube. (I don’t know if you’re using condoms, but I’d recommend that too, since condoms are smooth and lubricated.)

    If it continues to happen, I’d visit a gynecologist to rule out there being anything abnormal about your hymen. (I have a friend who had this issue due to a hymen problem. Rare, but a possibility that shouldn’t be ignored.) And if it turns out you DO have vaginismus, they can also hopefully point you in the right direction – such as practicing using dilators.

    ANYWAYS, as for your boyfriend – first, definitely have a talk with him about how his response made you feel hurt and embarrassed. Your body isn’t functioning the way you want it to right now, and so his support and acceptance is especially important now more than ever. He may feel like he did something “wrong” since the vagina is supposed to loosen up when aroused, but your comfort in your own body is more important than his ego. You can also point out that all because HE’S never encountered this doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to a lot of people – you can see in this comment section a lot of people saying they had similar experiences during their first time (and so did I). I would see what his response to all of this is before you make any major decisions about the relationship.

28. For now, put sex completely off the table. he’s acting like a spoilt brat, and that’s not attractive! Personally, I’d be dumping him, but I’m old and cranky.

    It is possible there IS a physical issue, and it’s not an unusual one. Some folks have what’s called an imperforate hymen, meaning that there may be small openings allowing menstrual blood to come out, but it’s thick and doesn’t ‘break’ easily. forcing it will cause a lot of pain and blood, so don’t do that.

    there’s also vaginismus, which is where your vaginal opening spasms and pretty much slams itself shut. (based on your description, this seems like what you experienced, but I am NOT a doctor) once again, forcing it will cause you a lot of pain.

    You should see your gynecologist and ask.

29. Firstly before anymore time goes by. If you want to go home, and can do so safely, go. Even if he’s awake right now, and especially if he’s asleep. It doesn’t matter and you’ll feel better than sitting there all night upset in a strange hotel room with an ass.

    His reaction was inconsiderate and uninformed at best, and an asshole showing his true colors at the worst. You’re perfectly normal, what happened is normal and can happen the first time or the 500th. Give it the night and have a serious, blunt conversation tomorrow about how he didn’t help the situation, how it’s normal due to lack of lubrication/anxiety/nerves/all kinds of normal reasons that should be considered before there being a medical problem. Tell him he should have treated this more gently, tried to laugh it off with you and help each other relax, and just write it off to getting some nerves out of the way with just an attempt. Instead, he made you feel bad (whether because he was worried and reacted badly or ashamed and projected or whatever). He wants to bring up expectations of experience based on age? He should be old enough to not express his emotions this way and to know how to treat an uncomfortable situation with a partner. After this conversation, see how to move forward. Or away.

    Also, every time I’m in a situation where I go, “Damn, I want to go home, should I?” the answer is always YES. I’ve never regretted going home in those moments. If you have a safe and reliable way to go home to your safe place, please do.

    Edit: clarity

30. Him coming around to “don’t worry we’ll figure this out” and “go to sleep, don’t worry about it” is a good sign, but his initial reaction was SO BAD and if, after sleeping it off, he isn’t mortified and explaining himself and apologizing, I would be having serious second thoughts about whether this guy stacks up against who you thought he was.

    Because it’s easy to be nice and kind and fun to be around when you’re getting what you want and things are going your way.

    The people who are genuinely kind people through and through and not just garden variety nice when it takes zero effort don’t tend to drop the act the moment that the going gets tough. Or, if they slip, they catch themselves.

    His reaction might not make him a horrible, irredeemable person or anything, it’s actually kind of normal, but it shows a stark lack of emotional maturity, accountability, or any of the traits I for one look for in a partner. If I wanted to talk to someone who turns into a toddler when he’s unhappy, I’d call my dad. My standards are higher for my chosen companions.

31. On a lighter note, maybe your vagina was just playing bouncer and kicking this bozo out for you. She knew you were waiting for someone you’d be emotionally safe with and she had your back, lol

32. 5 months is a long time and a lot of build up for sex. Nerves got the best of both of you. Yes, you are a virgin but honestly, he does not seem very experienced. His fumbling words show that. And was he prepared with lube and condoms? I hope he wasn’t going in unprotected!

    >I feel like our connection is cosmic

    Not sure about that. He certainly did not understand your feelings.

33. > t just… didn’t work. It felt like it literally wouldn’t fit / my body wouldn’t allow it, so we stopped.

    This is completely normal for the first attempt.

    > “at your age it’s really rare to not have sex,” suggested it might be a medical condition and that I should google it, and repeatedly framed it as a “you problem not a me problem.”

    That’s terrible.

    > He also made a comment implying maybe I should try with women, which confused and hurt me.

    That’s incredible. Absolutely shocking. Inexcusable.

    > He said stuff like “idk maybe there is a medical condition where you can’t have sex??”

    The best case here is that he’s a complete moron with no manners who is deeply insecure and has minimal experience with sex and is completely inept at all of the most important parts of it.

    > I don’t know how to address this with him or what a healthy response from a partner should look like.

    The way he’s treating you is very strange and wrong, and hitting you where you’re vulnerable. A healthy response would be to reconsider trusting him at all unless he corrects himself.

    > I’m not sure what happened between us normal for a first timer like me.

    My first attempt failed in exactly the same way. So far as I know, this is more normal than getting it on the first try when both people are inexperienced.

    > I just don’t see him in the same light.

    It is absolutely reasonable and sensible for you not to.

    > Maybe I’m just stressing out and hurt? But I just felt like I wasn’t comforted at all about this

    In your place, I would leave him, and be grateful that I get to have my first time with someone better.

34. > I’m not sure what happened between us normal for a first timer like me.

    Your physical response is unsurprising, his response sadly is also unsurprising as an idiotic response

35. Your boyfriend’s reaction is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. The exact same thing happened to me a few times with my first boyfriend and he comforted me, every single time. Never shamed me. We tried different things until we found out what worked and he was always patient, gentle and open-minded.

    What your body is doing is normal. How your boyfriend reacted isn’t.

    Finally, as others said, lube is your bestie.

36. Totally normal. The first time with my wife we took it really slow. Lots of foreplay and fingering to get her used to it. And lube helps a ton. A bit of blood when her hymen broke and she was sore for a couple days. It was much much easier the week after.

37. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone mention vaginismus yet. It is a very common unconscious reaction that many vagina-havers experience, and which can be addressed using pelvic floor exercises, dilators, and/or psychology exploring unconscious connections that the nervous system may be making with your body (this latter is my area). Our bodies can often knee-jerk unconsciously assume a new type of touch is dangerous and react defensively (new sensation in the vagina -> might be dangerous -> close access to the vagina -> danger averted). If this is something that you continue experiencing and would not like to, this might be an area to consider.

    That being said, a partner who is supportive and encouraging but not pressuring or critical is vital and you deserve to be with someone who is the former and not the latter! There’s nothing wrong with you and you should never feel shamed for having the body you have.