tl;dr: My boyfriend of 8 years wants me to reconnect with my abusive mother, whom I haven’t spoken to in over a year. He texted her behind my back numerous times after I explicitly told him not to.
From the ages of 11-15, I hated my mother. We argued daily because I hated my abusive step father. He was a drunk who’d physically beat my mother in front of my younger sister and I. During most school nights, I’d stay awake from 2am-4am arguing with him for hitting or threatening to hit my mother. Afterwards, he’d storm out of the house and my mom would say:
“You need to respect him.”
“You love to start problems. You’re so dramatic”
“Mind your business.”
“Why are you so mad all the time?”
I was mad all the time, because I didn’t understand why she was dating someone so sh*tty. My grandparents hated him, my aunts and uncles hated him, everyone knew he was a terrible person.
Eventually, I forgave my mother. She left him, and later admitted she stayed because we needed his income to survive. Truthfully, she did not have enough money to support my sister and I alone. It doesn’t excuse my mom’s behavior to me as a child, but I understood why she preferred a black eye over an eviction notice.
Fast forward to 2024. My mother and I are on great terms. We bake, shop, laugh, and have an amazing summer. Then… my mom meets this guy. He starts punching walls, smashing plates, and eventually hits her. Like clockwork, she tells me I “need to respect him.” My entire world shatters. The years of therapy I’ve done, our entire relationship that I’ve built from scratch just… poofs.
I spiral into the worst depressive episode of my life. I rapidly lose weight, my room becomes a mess, I take a semester off from school, and every day is just crying, arguing, and sleeping. That winter, my boyfriend was the only thing keeping me alive. He cleaned my room, brought me food after 10-hour shifts, calmed me down after panic attacks, or just hugged me. I truly don’t think I would’ve regained my strength without his support.
After the worst 5 months of my life, I decided to study abroad in Greece. I needed space. I didn’t tell my mother. I just packed a suitcase and left. I could barely even look at her. I did not understand why she was tolerating his behavior in her own home. She was no longer a low income mother raising two young children. She now has a great job making decent money, owns her car, and is buying a second home.
At the airport, my boyfriend asked when I last spoke to her. I laughed it off and kissed him goodbye.
During my second week in Athens, my mom starts calling everyone trying to find me. My boyfriend keeps asking why I won’t call her. I explain, again, that I won’t speak to her until she leaves her boyfriend AND gets extensive counseling. This is also something I told my mother when I was home.
But, he pushed back: “She’s still your mother. “ “You’re never going to tell her that you are in Greece?” “You can just text her how you’re doing” At that moment, I set a boundary with my boyfriend. I told him that if she texts or calls him, I don’t want him to respond. He was agitated, and complained about not understanding why he had to cut my mom off. Him and my mother had a great relationship. I’d honestly say she was his 2nd mother, but reluctantly, he agreed. He’d still push for me to contact my mother at random points during my time abroad and I’d constantly re-explain to him that I need to stop talking to her for my own sake.
NOTE: I learned later that she knew I was in Athens within days of me landing. An extended family member innocently brought it up after seeing my social media post. I should also mention that my sister, godparents, and a handful of other close family members also knew about my departure months before I left. I did not move countries w/o telling anyone beforehand.
Fast forwards to Mother’s Day, and I’m having a terrible tear-filled day. Not only do I miss my mom, but I also find out from my boyfriend that he’s been sending my mom updates about where Ive been, how I’m doing in Greece, etc. He texted her Happy Mother’s Day for christsake! I felt completely betrayed. It wasn’t just that he crossed a boundary; it felt like he chose my mother’s feelings over my mental health.
I’m bringing this up because it’s December now, and I still don’t think I trust him. Christmas was hard without my mom. She did break up with her boyfriend, but I still don’t trust her, and I don’t know when or if I ever will. When my boyfriend asked if I’m going home for Christmas, it felt like I’m being asked to justify my pain all over again. Having to constantly explain and defend my decision to go no contact is exhausting; especially to my high school sweetheart, someone I’ve held dear to my heart for eight years.
As a final note, no, my mother is not in therapy or any sort of counseling at the moment. And, yes, my boyfriend did know about my mother and I’s history regarding her ex. I told him all about it when we were 17. My childhood makes this entire experience so much more triggering. I don’t know what to do.
Edit: Grammar