I (25f) have been with my partner (27m) since I was 20.
My fiance was my first love when I was 15. We had met at a party but due to his conservative religion, we were never together. I got in a relationship with another man for almost 4 years, and all of those years he never left my head, even though we had no contact.
When I was 20, we found our way back to each other and it felt so right. Everything was great. We moved in together in the last 10 months. It’s been great, he’s really good to me.
My frontal lobe also developed in that time. Or, I just grew up and realised our sex fucking sucks.
I’m not sure what the average is per week, but I like having sex 3-4 times a week, and we usually do, but my fiancé cannot last in bed. I don’t know if I’ve ever had sex for more than 2-3 minutes. It’s even less now. 1 minute is pushing it. And if it’s anything over, he’s moving at such a snails pace to try to focus on not coming that it’s not enjoyable. We had sex tonight and he barely entered me and told me he was already going to come. This was with 0 foreplay too. I was just so ready because it’s all that has been on mind lately. He saw my frustration and said “sorry, it’s been a while” because he was away on a trip and just got back. He was away for 2 days!! And we had sex (if you can call it that) the night before he left, which also lasted around 15 seconds. Sometimes he moves 2-3 times at a snails pace and comes. It’s infuriating because he’s always initiating this, and I never turn it down so I have no idea how he finishes so quickly.
I’ve been getting so frustrated that I try to get myself off so I’m already aroused before sleeping with him, we won’t do any foreplay so he won’t come quickly. But it does nothing. It buys me an extra 10 seconds at most. I know people will say that PIV is not everything, but it is to me, and if he tries to go down on me to get me to come before we have sex, he will come in his pants or be so close to it by the time we have sex that sex itself feels like a waste of energy. I have been avoiding sex with him lately because it’s just not worth it, it’s already over before it starts.
I kept wondering if it had always been this bad and realised that yes, it had. I just used to accept it because I love him and he’s been so good to me and he’s loved me since we were teenagers. He treats me so well that at the time I thought it was something that I could get over.
Lately though, I can’t even fake it anymore, I get visibly annoyed and irritated and I can tell it makes him feel awful. He has tried going to the doctors, only when I’m really fed up, and most of them have told him it’s in his head. and others have prescribed daily medication, which he doesn’t take.
I’m so frustrated and feel so guilty that the lack of satisfaction is starting to turn me off him. I keep thinking what it would be like to sleep with someone else and experiencing sex that lasts longer than 1 minute. He loves to be at home with me and never wants to go spend time with his friends anymore because he says he would rather be at home with me, but I can’t wait when he has to leave the house so I can’t use my vibrator in peace, get myself off and fantasising about actually having good sex with someone else. How fucked up is that?
I don’t know what to do. I’m not a cheater and have never cheated, but leaving him continues to cross my mind. I don’t think I will ever have a good sex life with him. And the older I get the more I know it’s not something I can give up forever.
I’ve thought about leaving him but I’m always held back by how good he is to me. We laugh daily together and never argue or fight. How I would explain to anyone that I left my fiance that treats me incredibly and visibly loves me because he can’t satisfy me? I can barely look at him at times out of frustration. It’s so messed up and I’m crying writing this. I feel so horrible.
TL;DR:
For our whole 5 year relationship, my fiance has barely last 1 minute in bed. I used to think it was fine when I was younger because I didn’t care as much over my own pleasure, but now I’m so frustrated that I’ve began to fantasise what it would be like to be with someone else intimately. I don’t know what to do because he’s a great guy, he just can’t satisfy me sexually at all.
30 comments
Sex is not everything in a relationship but it’s important to you. I think if you stay (and possibly get married) you’ll resent him. You also said he won’t take the medication the doctors are prescribing him.
I’d leave. Sorry for the Reddit answer.
You will get a lot of downvotes and comments from guys who are biased and don’t know what it’s like for a woman but I am here to say you 100% should do it. Life is too short and I was in your EXACT same shoes and I cannot even imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t bit the bullet. I am so much happier every day now. You deserve to be happy too.
sex can be an important aspect of a romantic relationship. you’re allowed to have standards for yourself for what you’re looking out of a romantic relationship. you maybe feel sad and guilty over the fact you have needs, but maybe consider *why* you feel that way.
it could be the fact that you’ve basically begged him many times to try to address it and work together, and it feels like you’re the only one taking it seriously. you say he feels bad, but he doesn’t take his medication. you care about your partners’ feelings, otherwise you wouldn’t have this internal dilemma; can the same be said for him? is he taking your feelings seriously, if he can’t even take doctors advice, or try to provide solutions himself? i think you’re giving him a lot more empathy than he’s giving you.
it’s normal to feel guilty about this since it’s a sensitive topic for many men. all you can do is what you have already done: empathize, provide solutions, bring it up in a way that’s trying to consider your partner, and hope that effort is reciprocated. if he isn’t meeting you in the middle, another conversation needs to be had about why he isn’t taking it as seriously as you are. maybe re communicate just how badly it’s affecting you, and if he doesn’t take it seriously still or doubles down, that’s data for your next choice.
One thing that is not an option is living like this forever, so something must be done.
And a great first step is to sit him down at a time when you’re clear headed and not in the middle of being disappointed, and having a long conversation where you put all your feeling on the table, including your thoughts about leaving him.
Chances are he’s willing to do something about it, in that case, come up with an actual plan (not just a promise of being better, because he’s already shown that just willpower is not enough). Such as having him use a numbing cream and a condom, having him take those medications they prescribed, using strap on toys or vibrators in the bed, whatever plan of action works for you both.
Another solution is to open the relationship, but this comes with it’s own collection of risks, and relationships often don’t survive if both parties are not equally on board. But it can be put on the table.
The option of leaving him is always still there, but give him a chance to show you if he’s willing to put the work in. It’s worth looking for solutions together first, but you need to let him know just how much this is affecting you and that’s it’s pushing you to end things.
By the way, I don’t think you’re exaggerating this issue, my first boyfriend was a lot like yours. Now I’m with a man that can actually fuck, and holy shit the difference is indescribable.
Youre not leaving because of the bad sex. Youre leaving because when presented with an issue he shrugged and did nothing until he was pushed into a corner and forced.
The frontal lobe sentence is hilarious. You mention foreplay and him trying to go down on you before sex. Why not have him get you off after? He should be committed to your pleasure as well. As the other comment said, it is more concerning to me that he isn’t meeting you part way in some way. A relationship faces many stumbles. It is the response that both parties make in the face of hardship that proves what the relationship is made of. If you have made your grievances clear and he does not attempt to resolve them then that speaks volumes.
are his fingers and tongue also flaccid? If not, he is just too lazy to make sure you orgasm too.
I’m sorry you’re having this issue. I think it’s completely valid to be upset/frustrated about your sex life situation and it’s a completely valid reason to end the relationship. If you really want to stay with this person maybe look into couples sexual therapy to help with making your needs in the relationship better understood by him, and also individual sex therapy for him to help with his premature ejaculation issues.
It is a part of compatibility to be honest. I’ve dealt with this same issue myself. Have you guys ever tried to have sex after he cums? Like waiting 15 minutes or so for a second round? That has worked in the past for someone I knew as the sensitivity goes away. I’m sorry OP, I empathize with you. It is super hard to find someone with everything.
As someone who also can barely last without intense concentration, i have always made sure there was plenty of foreplay and my wife gets hers before she even touches me. If I could t even do that I would be going to every specialist and training like goku to figure out how to make sure my wife was taken care of. If he ain’t doing that, (and really make sure he knows how truly important this is) then leave. If a man isn’t taking care of his woman, than it is only gonna get worse not better.
…what’s with no foreplay? His hands and mouth broken or something?
I have seen people on Reddit say to break up for much less, particularly men telling other men to leave a girl that just doesn’t like to have sex often.
I think in a relationship, you make a lot of compromise. But if it’s a good fit, the compromises don’t seem so bad because they either still work for you, turn out to be better in the end, or are not deal breakers. For example, we live in a different state from my family to accommodate things for my husband. At first that was tough, but now I’m really happy and feel like it was a good choice for us in the end.
I don’t think this problem in itself is going to get better from what it sounds like. It sounds like the main thing that would have to happen is that you would just have to accept it. He could be doing a *lot* more than just “*nothing— stick it in, done*” for your pleasure. Like, SO SO MUCH more. If he’s not even trying or putting it onto you to just do by yourself, that’s the problem. He’s not interested in bridging the gap. You mentioned a very religious background? I think there could also be a lot of internalized shame around premarital sex that is preventing some openness. I really struggled with this myself, so I do give him some space there. However, he is in this relationship and it is his responsibility to see to what you need.
It’s wild how some guys feel completely secure in a relationship while putting in zero effort sexually. All it takes is someone with actual experience to show her what real connection and good sex feel like, and she’s gone. Sex and intimacy matter. When a guy can’t please his partner or even recognize that it’s a problem, he’s fundamentally disconnected.
Before you seek other sexual partners make sure to break up with him first.
> How would I explain to anyone that I left my fiance…because he can’t satisfy me?
OK, first of all, you don’t owe anyone that level of detail. A simple “we were incompatible long-term” will suffice.
Second, the answer doesn’t have to be black and white, at least not right away. You can suggest to him that since you cannot satisfy each other mutually, perhaps you should both start seeing other people.
He will likely object and insist that you satisfy him, but remind him that despite your previous conversations you are not as satisfied as he is, so perhaps it’s best that you both start searching for more compatible partners.
That’s a softer approach that may make a necessary step easier for you.
sexual incompatibility is a legitimate and important part of a long term relationship. feeling unsatisfied for years can erode desire, intimacy and even emotional closeness. talk to him about how you feel and encourage him, if nothing changes you need to reflect on whether you can stay like this in the relationship long term
Love and kindness don’t automatically fix incompatibility. You’re not wrong for wanting a fulfilling sex life, and he’s not wrong for struggling but pretending it won’t matter long-term usually makes things worse
There is “delay spray” for men that kind of numbs the penis and helps them to last longer. You could try that as a Hail Mary. But the issue here, to me, is more the fact that he won’t adhere to medication/medical advice. I am a nurse and confirm some of it may be in his head but if he’s unwilling to stick to medication that may or may not help, it shows a lack of dedication and care for your side of the suffering. It is unfortunate that some people have to be posed with the prospect of losing their entire world before they’re really willing to change but perhaps a trial breakup would help him see the light. Normally, one would consider that manipulative but after talking to him and bringing him into your world, pain and voicing your concerns and needs with none of those things taken seriously, you may need to tell him your needs continue to be unmet. Although it is not necessarily his fault, he has not taken action to even try. The writing it off will be the end of the relationship, not the lackluster sex.
I sincerely hope you are able to work this out to whichever end suits you best.
Well looks like it’s confirmed. Got to move on, as several commenters noted.
Also, think about this. The amount you shared and wrote obviously means this isn’t a small thing, and general random ppl on the internet could give you at least a few minutes to hear you out, maturely understand the concern, and call out it’s not the sex, it’s basically his immaturely, lack of emotional intelligence, the treating you equally in the relationship.
I’m absolutely sure you can find a partner that enjoys being intimate 3-5 days a week, and last longer than a few minutes. But more importantly, respect your issues or concerns when presented.
Sorry, but better now than never.
You could try condoms. They reduce the feeling and urge to cum for some of us.
Another option is using a dildo or other toy.
If there’s no solution, it might be better to move on.
Your fiancé needs to care about you and see this as an issue, and be committed to fixing it. Otherwise, you must end it.
There is plenty he can do to improve his stamina:
Practicing edging during masturbation.
The stop/start method during sex and masturbation.
Going to the gym and lifting weights.
Getting sufficient sleep.
Quitting smoking or weed or drinking if he’s doing any of that.
Eating a healthy balanced diet and not indulging in too much sugar and fat.
Therapy to work on his sexual confidence (he has performance anxiety).
There is medication he can take to make it more difficult to cum, an ssri like cipralex. Personal experience taking this for mental health: it can have other side effects like having a hard time maintaining arousal. So I stopped taking it and have never been better on all fronts.
Coach him on the solutions, make sure he understands this is a dealbreaker problem. If he isn’t supportive and committed to fixing it: time to end it.
This is a lesson he needs to learn. Your life is not worth protecting him from that lesson.
It absolutely is in his head, in that most sexual function issues are psychological in nature. That doesn’t mean he’s making it up. It means he needs to go to THERAPY and unpack whatever is causing this. There are plenty of sex therapists who can help him work on this. But HE needs to seek it out and manage his own shit.
I wouldn’t recommend staying. The frustration will only get worse.
Yeah the problem is that he KNOWS it bothers you, drags his feet going to the doctor and finding a solution, and when given medication to potentially fix the problem, he doesn’t take it. The problem is he doesn’t care to fix the problem that is hurting the relationship.
Sometime when you’re not in bed or intimate, you need to sit him down and tell him you’re at your limit, and if things don’t change you’re leaving. Give a deadline. Tell him what needs to happen by said deadline. And if it doesn’t happen by X day, you’re gone. STILL try to come at an angle that this is You + Him VS the problem, NOT You VS Him.
You can leave before then, but I sense you are hoping for a last ditch effort to save things. Having a come-to-jesus talk with him where you plainly give him the option to save the relationship or sink it is the only thing i can think of. Right after that conversation, you IMMEDIATELY work on what was discussed. Taking medication, researching how to delay ejaculation, setting reminders, scheduling an appointment with a sex counselor, etc.
It doesn’t sound like he’s done a whole lot to prevent him finishing so soon. Numbing cream, condoms, sleeves, masturbating prior. Does he try again after, or does he just lose interest? Being that excitable I would think he would have a low recovery time if he tried again.
He is fine with this, does not care about your pleasure, and made it your problem.
Get out and find someone who wants you to have pleasure in your life and is an adult about it.
If he won’t take what is being prescribed for him that is his fault and his problem. You should not be expected to put up with this for the rest of your life.
This is why a lot of relationships that start when people are teenagers don’t work out because people grow up and outgrow each other. I had an issue in my last relationship where sex was good at first but she was super vanilla and when I tried to introduce other things she would say “I’m not like that” or “I’m not into that” eventually you start to resent the person if sex with them becomes boring so I think you should accept the fact that you outgrew each other and leave him.
I have been here. Been married for 12 years now. The sex changes. I remember making an online post similar to yours. Most people said “leave it will only get worse.” Well, my love for this man outweighs that. We have been through some shit. So, our sex life has fluctuated. With that communication is the most important thing. Everyone is different and their solutions are different. I got to the point that I was masterbating every time I was alone and day dreaming of being fucked hard by the guys in the pornos I was watching. We had a HUGE dry spell. (18 months) I couldn’t take it anymore and I left. I had expressed my frustrations many times. He never thought sex would be the reason we split but it was driving me crazy. I’m 33. All I want to do is cum. We have kids who are old enough to keep themselves entertained. So, once we got back together (bc love matters) we took a LOT of time to figure out what we could do. talking, watching videos together. Playing. If he cums too fast we go back to playing. It’s not fair that he gets to cum every time and I have to sit there dry as the dessert. We have a toy drewer now and we now have a somewhat “open” marriage. The love we share is worth more than anything. With that we both deserve to be happy. I hope you two can find a “happy medium “? If not, I’d say pack it in. 12 years here and I have a “friend”. It took a lot to get to this point but it works for us. Wish you the best. I really do.
Get him a strap on, he’ll get the message