trying to keep this short. we have 3 dogs and a parrot. I have had extreme allergies for years up to the point of having to be hospitalized. every day of my life for years was like having the flu and I spent 5 hours a day cleaning everyday with no help from wife. i Also have mental health problems from growing up with a prostitute for a mother and she was also an animal hoarder with 12 dogs and 30 rabbits so my entire childhood and teens I also had severe allergies and was put I. Hospital for pneumonia several times. I was smoking a quarter of marijuana a day to deal with my allergy symptoms. The allergies got a lot worse when we added our third dog a male basset hound to the household.
about a year ago my allergies progressed from being very bad to life threatening. I spent everyday in complete misery and eventually was crying hysterical every single day. the addition of the parrot that is a very good bird but screams all day long added significant stress. Basically I had been looking to rehome the one male basset for years but wife wouldn’t allow it and eventually after months of being hysterical everyday and getting to the point where I couldn’t even drive my car from illness I broke and told her we had to at least rehome the male dog and possibly the bird. We got into a huge fight over it where she ended up slamming my hand in a door and breaking my finger and also hitting me multiple times. I want to note I was not physical with her at all during these arguments. after this I went to live in a hotel, arguing and begging her everyday to please rehome this dog. Eventually I got an apartment because the hotel was expensive. All of my symptoms completely cleared up within a week of leaving the house.
i have been living in this apartment for 6 months now. We have spent most days arguing. I have attempted to come back and stay there probably 5 or 6 times now but even being there a few days gets me incredibly sick again and we end up arguing. One of the arguments ended up with me pushed towards the stairs and having a heavy cutting board thrown at my head. My wife has also used my childhood abuse against me in arguments calling me names my abusive mother used to call me. Our attempts to reconnect haven’t been successful as all I feel when I’m around her is stress now.
my wife also doesn’t work(which I didn’t have a problem with) and neither do I because of strong investments. I spent all of my free time cleaning and feeling sick. We also live in a 3500 square foot house with no kids and it was also a huge source of stress maintaining such a large space and also the challenges of keeping a large space cool in the summer the place tended to be uncomfortable even with new windows new ac and a lot of other improvements. I pushed to move to a smaller more comfortable house and was also stonewalled on that as well. My wife does virtually no cleaning and spends most of her time with the animals that she is obsessed with.
we ended up in couples counseling where the counselor pretty much told her she had to let the animals go because of what they were doing to our relationship. She spent most of the sessions blaming me and according the the counselor being manipulative. After being pressed in the 6th session she stormed out. I began seeing counselor alone for a few sessions after that and after explaining the whole situation she has been advising me to seperate. I have also asked my wife many times to please let the animals go and move in with me to my apartment to start over and she refuses.
my wife finally got her aunt to take the dog last week. I had asked her for a long time to rehome him through a rescue service that ensures good homes but she assured me it was never going to happen. We were just lucky her aunt could take him. That leaves us with 2 other dogs that still cause allergies and the parrot who I do love but is a constant source of noise and stress who screams every time you leave the room until you return.
i have gotten very used to living separate after all this and feeling healthy. I live in a studio apartment by myself and find it very comfortable. I still spend everyday depressed and not sure what to do, see therapists every week. I also Commited myself to a mental ward for a week at the beginning of this. My wife and her family are now saying the counselor is unethical for recommending I split even after hearing about the physical emotional abuse and being displaced from my home over animals. during our separation I have been very sad but also have reconnected with a lot of friends and people have been very supportive of me. I actually enjoy the lifestyle I’m living right now aside from the depression and worry. i Have not been with any other women and I maintain my sobriety.
I am also completely in control of our finances. My wife doesn’t even have a bank account so if we were to separate it would be completely on me to make sure she has enough to live her life and support the remaining animals. This also causes me significant stress. I can barely even be around her anymore without feeling extreme stress and agitation.
I apologize for the long post but my question is basically is there any reason I should return at this point? I have been advised by many people and counselor not to but am having a hard time contacting lawyers. I am just reaching out here to reddit to see if anyone thinks I should fully commit to separation or give it another chance with the information I have provided?
I also wanted to note we worked extensively on keeping allergies at bay. Hard floor, purifiers in every room, weekly grooming of dogs, vacuuming multiple times a day washing walls hiring cleaning services and I was still extremely unwell.