A few days ago I saw a social media post about someone lamenting the lack of good banter, and how they wanted more of it in 2026. It got me thinking – and it does seem to be not as common anymore.

And I wonder – do folks still know how to engage in banter, with or without intent anymore?

How often are you finding it a feature in dating, or even interacting with strangers?

Do you miss it? Are you seeking it? Or are you neutral on the whole thing?


49 comments

  2. I love myself a good banter but I don’t often meet guys who knows how to do it. I find it’s a personality thing mostly and often we have compatible humor if there’s banter!

    I was recently seeing someone who took my banter very seriously, it was difficult connecting when I had to explain again and again I was just joking (being ironic for example)

  3. It’s one of the things I LOVE about my FWB and it’s something that’s SO important to me.. I have met people over the last year that know how to keep your brain on board and make you laugh but I agree it’s not a feature many people have. And in my friend group they wouldn’t survive 😂 so it’s something I’m actively looking for!

  5. I only have good banter with people I’m mentally compatible with. We have a similar sense of humor and intelligence. I dont think it’s people not knowing how to, I just think it has to do with compatibility and connection.

  7. This is why most dates feel heavy to me, not fun. It feels more like a job interview. I’ll crack jokes and make them laugh but don’t get the same in return. Guys will always want to see me again and a lot want to be exclusive after 1-3 dates but I feel like they are just looking for someone who checks their boxes, not someone they actually enjoy being around and having conversation with. This is the thing I miss most about dating in my 20s when I felt personality rather than a checklist was more important

  8. I can’t be physically attracted to someone unless there’s good banter. Current guy is pretty quick-witted, we both agree that our immediate ribbing and joking over text was what spurned us to meet as soon as possible.

    I’m not super hot but just about every ex has told me I’m funny, so I continue to pull people way better looking than me, it’s insane how far a few jokes will go if you’re in acceptable shape and keep yourself clean.

  9. I think it’s a niche feature some people look for. I hear most people say that they wish they could skip the small talk and jump into the meaningful conversations. I’m aware that banter does not equate to small talk but I’ve yet to hear anyone explicitly mention banter and banter is most closely associated with whatever the opposite of deep, meaningful conversation means.

  10. I live in the UK, all we do is wind each other up to make everyone laugh. It’s pretty much part of the culture. I think that’s potentially why I’ve always connected very well with Brits (I’m not originally from here).

    I also think it’s somewhat related to intellect. Coming up with things that are funny, witty, clever, walk a line of them never being offensive or mean, sometimes flirty, sometimes innuendos and so on quickly and on the go is really hard sometimes. If you can do it all the time it’s impressive. Then on top of that your humour has to actually match. It’s hard.

    I can be fsirly good at it and English is my third language, the guy I’m seeing is really good at it. He’s just very quick in general. It’s really nice. We only started dating a month ago and I’m enjoying the conversations we have more than anything. There were multiple people I’ve met before him I either wasn’t able to have banter with, or tried to say things that simply didn’t land.

    Ultimately, if it’s something you like and can do, and want the people you date to be able to do well as well, it’s just a other personality trait they need to have to be a good match with you.

  11. If you want to be good with language you have to absorb a lot of good writing (reading books, watching movies/plays and so on) and then also practice yourself. Dunno how many folks are doing all that.

  12. I would love a connection with good banter, but I’ve noticed a lot of women I meet through dating are not used to it or take everything seriously/personally nowadays. Could be the age (now thirties, I feel it was easier during my twenties) or the types I’m matching.

  13. I have never been good at banter. I text and chat *waaay* better than I speak, which is why I don’t do well meeting people in person. I have a lot of social anxiety around saying the wrong thing. I need to feel very comfortable and safe around you to get to the point of banter and that almost never happens on first meeting or date.

    When those rare occasions happen, it has never led to something serious so I’m overall neutral about it. Initial chemistry and banter mean nothing in terms of finding a long term SO.

  14. Banter is one of the things I do best and ironically nobody seems to care about it in the world of 2025 dating lol

  15. Non-existent. The vast majority of conversations I have involve me trying (and failing) to drag a genuinely interesting thought out of someone.

    Dating today often feels like people think you can just, like, DoorDash a relationship? Pure logistics. Input, output, efficiency. Banter doesn’t register because it doesn’t obviously move the process forward. How do you measure a funny back-and-forth on the bottom line? Might as well just send a “haha, what are you up to?”

    And if you *do* show up with curiosity and a banger comeback and the effort isn’t reciprocated, the advice is always the same: you’re “trying too hard,” you should “pull back” etc. So everyone does. It becomes a race to the bottom, and no one actually wins.

    Do I miss banter? Fuck yeah. I miss a lot about how dating used to feel. Honestly, I’m not sure how I even fit into this landscape anymore.

  16. Banter is lame when a guy is trying hard to be funny or makes the adversarial vibe his whole personality. I don’t like it 95% of the time but when the guy uses it sparingly at witty moments and he’s a total package with other things like style, good looks, and intelligence, it’s the cherry on top.

  17. I view banter as the lifeblood of what makes a relationship fun. it’s such a crucial part of the dating experience for me that I just lose interest in people if they can’t banter with me. Obviously it takes more than that to make something stable and long term, but I can last a lot longer with someone who can banter and “checks none of the boxes” than someone who can’t banter and checks all of them.

  18. 32f and love good banter. It has to be paired with the ability to be vulnerable and have some serious heart to hearts though. I find some people use banter and humour to avoid closeness.

  19. I see so many posts on r4r asking for good banter. It’s not really something I need or look for. I’ll make a light hearted teasing comment now and then but that’s it. And they can tease me a little but I prefer just normal conversations.

  20. I just try to be social. I love to talk. I enjoy going to out and socializing. To much pressure and focus on gettinf laid / dating

    Just talk and be curious and hygienic its easy in 2025 . Men have set the bar so low. You can basically be mid and be a superstar.

  21. Good banter is important to me. From my experience people have experienced so much trauma the past decade, they themselves might have a hard time recognizing it, or experienced it from someone being abusive, so they might not recognize genuine banter anymore, or maybe they had good banter back and it was used against them.

    Sometimes banter has been overused like the person never got enough attention as a kid.

    I think finding someone on the same level is important.

    The TV show big bang theory comes to mind, they all have banter but different levels of banter.

  22. “what are you looking for in a relationship?” is the analog “where do you see yourself in five years” job interview. I never answer truthfully either way, it’s just silly

  23. I think it’s an age thing rather than a year thing. A lot of people hit their 30s and lose that whimsy in life. They’re on dates to check boxes and get the important stuff out of the way. They have a timeline, and dammit if you get in the way of those goals. I don’t even have a timeline nor do I want kids, but I have definitely found myself taking dating too seriously when I should just be keeping it light and fun.

  24. Australian male here, we have lots of Irish and English girls in my city that mention ‘banter’ on their profile.

    I can’t stand the term, I always think of it like ‘negging’ ? 

    Maybe it’s lost in translation? 

  25. > Banter – to speak to or address in a witty and teasing manner

    I can see the problem here. Teasing can definitely be misinterpreted as negging, bullying, etc. And in at a time where the slightest mistake means getting rejected, ghosted, or blocked; teasing is a big risk for a small reward.

  26. Absolutely… It’s so important! There are still people who can bring a good banter, but they are the minority. These are the guys to whom I feel attraction… sadly good banter often comes with other traits that ruin relationship eventually. All my exes were super fun and had a great sense of humor. It’s like salt in a meal — if there’s no salt, I won’t enjoy the meal. I realized it recently on a date with a guy, who was handsome and got his life together, but I kept bringing all the fun and silliness into the conversation, and he was just… being there. I got home really confused and exhausted, but I realized I need a guy to bring some fun as well otherwise I won’t feel any attraction

  27. It’s hard to find a person that knows how to banter. It’s a hit and miss when it comes to dating apps. Recently, I matched with a guy who is mentally stimulating and since it was the holiday season, we have not even met yet and I’m still recovering from flu. I’m managing my expectations that this could just be us being text compatible and it might not translate to real life connection. That would be a shame but a very possible scenario.

    We texted with each other every day since we matched. Most of my other matches couldn’t even keep up with having stimulating conversations / humour and they seem pale in comparison. It’s definitely a different feeling when you meet someone that you’re actually attracted to not just by looks but how you vibe in conversations. It’s not worth it to settle for someone that you don’t feel drawn to intellectually. My body can’t warm up to someone unless if they manage to intrigue me with their mind. I have decided that I’d rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone that I don’t feel is able to keep me interested with who they are. It’s a big thing to say because I do like having a boyfriend and someone that I can trust in and vice versa but the thought of being with someone that makes me feel uneasy and unseen is even worse. I had been there and it’s not worth the emotional toll. I’m happy with myself in general and I have so much love to give but I don’t want to open my heart up to someone who doesn’t have my best interest in their heart.

  29. I want banter and I love it with people I know, but that’s the thing – you need shared history and common ground to have a good banter, otherwise it’s very easy to be perceived as arrogant, standoffish or plain rude. Expecting the same level of banter you get with decade-old friends from a person you just met is insane.

    P.S. It’s curious how a lot of people hate small talk yet love banter despite them being largely the same. Is it the added friendly insult that makes banter more appealing?

  30. I personally never liked banter too soon. Since it is back-and-forth teasing in a good-humored way, I see it as something that occurs between people who know one another well. Because if this, I’m surprised when people in their online dating profiles they want good banter since they don’t know one another yet. I think you have to get to know one another’s quirks first, otherwise, why/what are you teasing them with?

  31. I miss AND am seeking it out. I get complemented on having it, but it rarely gets matched. And if it does get matched, it’s not for long before the conversation goes dull. They can’t keep up. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing, but I’m a woman that dates women and other queer people. I can’t speak on banter with men cuz I haven’t dated one in several years. 😅

  32. I hate banter because it’s a goddamn minefield as a guy.

    Women love it when they can do it, and they know that unless they’re outright mean-spirited or bigoted, they’ll get away with saying pretty much anything.

  33. I’m good at it so I always have fun. I’m not seeking anything in anyone else. I agree if you’re not experiencing it then it would be a bummer but be the change you want to see, and all that. 

  34. Is banter itself really the lost art or have we lost patience with letting relationships grow enough for banter to emerge organically?

    Most of the examples in this thread of “good banter” are with friend groups, co-workers you see regularly, current/past romantic partners, etc. where there’s already shared context and mutual rapport. So it seems banter requires some degree of comfortable familiarity to do it well.

    Some people are probably great at bantering with strangers, but I’m not sure that’s the norm, especially in a US context.

    Early in dating, showing a sense of humor and lightheartedness makes total sense as a sign of compatibility. Expecting fully formed banter with someone you barely know, though, might be setting the bar at something that typically takes more time to develop.

  35. Lol… This whole banter requirement is where y’all are fucking up. You’re “bantering” so hard in the initial convos that it creates this ridiculously high bar for the convos that come after it. It increases the amount of energy and effort that you feel needs to go into each message, while decreasing the amount of meaningful communication which paves the way for deeper chats or getting to know someone.

    This is a big reason why it seems like convos start really well and then… crickets. Who the fuck has the energy to keep up high energy banter across multiple conversations everyday?

    This is why when you meet in person sometimes, after having so much fun banter beforehand, there’s no spark. You are now in real-time and your wittiness required the time that messaging through the app/texting provided. You can’t just let the convo sit for a few hours.

    Banter is light. Banter is surface level fun. Banter is not for really getting to know someone.

    Also, there seems to be some confusion over what “banter” actually is! It’s fun, playful, TEASING dialogue… it’s not just having a good or interesting conversation with someone.

  36. Gotta meet the right people, I think compatibility in sense of humor is underrated. Some people I meet and we make each other laugh uncontrollably.

  37. I think a lot of people are sensitive to wasting their time these days.

    How are your potential partners supposed to understand that this is a type of flirting for you and not a version of bread crumbing for attention?

    Don’t you have good banter with your friends? Why do you need / want that trait in a partner?

  39. What exactly does “good banter” even mean? So many people seem to have different ideas of what banter and conversations involve.

    I simply miss talking to women who actually know how to have conversations instead of just talking about themselves or trauma dumping.

  40. Banter is usually one of the quickest ways I’m able to determine if there’s something there with the person I’m in a date with. We either click and have great banter, or we get along well enough but something’s missing.

    I also think banter differs from person to person. My banter may not be yours, or vice versa.

  42. For me in the past, Banter = False intimacy. I prefer slow, deep conversations. People are funny accidentally, I don’t need to date a comedian or sketch comedy show.

  43. I think we might all be operating on different interpretations of the word “banter.” I’ve seen it used in this thread to mean all sorts of things: a good sense of humor, flirting, roasting, teasing, general wittiness. Those things are good, of course, but not banter; it’s more specific. I think the dictionary definition of banter would be a playful back-and-forth of unserious remarks. The back-and-forth part is essential to the term.

    I hate it when people say they like banter but what they really want to do is try to show others how clever they are. And some people who say they like banter never turn it off; everything has to be “funny” for the conversation to go anywhere — or, more accurately, funny *to them*. It can turn into a very self-centered thing. I had a friend who was obsessed with it . . . It shouldn’t be a central personality trait.

  44. I find that banter and rapport in general usually takes time to develop as you learn more about the other person, develop inside jokes and learn their comfort level.

    It used to take me a while to gain a level of familiarity strong enough to get to banter level but reading fluffy and romance novels has lowered that a bit because you can pick up “acceptable” scripts of sort

  45. I am 32 and after deleting the apps and committing to meeting people IRL it has me wayyyy outside of my age range. That coupled with finding out I can’t have children led me to seeing it through.

    Ended up going on dates with a 52 year old and later 54 year old this last year (still talking to the latter). Both were divorced with kids that were 18+. I’m also a bartender and find that this group of men are social, fun, and genuine? Just happy for the company. The dates I’ve been on were the same. So much less pressure.

    I previously only dated people about my age with goals to create a family. Now it’s all about if I enjoy my time and for whatever reason I can’t find that in my age group.

  46. LOVE banter, especially with dates. But then again some men also tell me I’m intimidating (in a good way)🤣

  48. This is interpersonal/social chemistry and I (37M) can’t date someone without it. I don’t care how attractive someone is, if we aren’t laughing and smiling on a date I’m out.

    Its also the hardest part of dating apps for me. You just really never know until you sit down.

  49. I think a person needs to practice regularly, and the level of banter stays at a consistent, entertaining level. I socialize three times a week, and it seems to provide enough opportunity to keep the skill sharp.

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