After 21 years of marriage, have lost sight of what loving relationships might be like. I have two kids, and my relationship with them, as well as both my parents, are strong and healthy.
My husband, on the other hand, has spent the last 21 years shutting down the slightest request (please wipe off bathroom counter so grout doesn’t get stained, or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher) and disagreement with a barrage of divorce threats and character assassinations (e.g., “You’re unlikable, that’s why you don’t have any friends,” “you make poor decisions all the time,” “you do nothing for me,” etc.) When he is frustrated, he manages to convolute things to frame me as the source of the problem. Up until a few years ago, I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Currently, I am working on my doctorate, I exercise regularly, and I work so hard to be the best mom I can be. I work a FT and PT job (he does, too) to pad the college funds. All this to say, I am not lazy and I try my hardest to do and be all that I can.
Also, last month, for our anniversary, he bought me a gift and said he’d be furious with me if I returned it. The gift was too much money, and not something I needed; I would have rather put the money to college funds for our kids, but I kept it to preserve peace.
On Christmas morning, after I bought everyone gifts across the past three months, spent hours wrapping them, made all the food, etc., I had not a single gift to open. Instead, I was reminded about the anniversary gift I received last month. I mean, a little box of chocolates or a candle would have been perfect; that would have meant someone thought of me.
I plan to leave once my youngest is in college, and I’ve been pulling the grey rock method for self-protection, but I fear being alone the rest of my life because I don’t want to be in a relationship like this again.
I guess my question is, can you give me examples of what a normal, healthy marriage looks like in which people feel love toward each other? I need hope.