Long post alert!

Let me start off by saying that Christmas started off being a magical, wonderful day. Family came over, we ate, we laughed, we opened gifts…and that’s when it hit me. My husband didn’t get me anything for Christmas.

Backstory: My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 5 years, and we have one child. I’m a stay at home mom while also working from home, and he has a job where he is on shifts. I bring up his job because he likes to argue that he can’t “help” as much as he wants to because he works 12 hour shifts, yet I have to remind him I work 24 hour shifts as a mom while also working from home.

You know the joke that men will say everything will somehow get done in time for Christmas and the woman says “I’m the somebody!” Well, that’s exactly what happened in my house. I decorated, planned all the gifts, bought all the gifts, even made some that took months to complete, cleaned, bought all the food, cooked all the food, etc. while working, taking care of a baby, and dealing with issues in our house that all seemed to happen in the timespan of three weeks.

In the last month alone, any free time he had was spent at the gym or “running errands” which consisted of going to Total Wine to buy rum so he could make his special spiced rum that tastes like actual ass (idk what that taste like but if I had to guess…). So all of the gifts are opened, I noticed I didn’t get anything, and out loud said “well that’s interesting” knowing that his family heard it. No one said a word. I look at my dad and he is livid yet doesn’t say anything. A few hours later he pulls me aside and says he knows I’m pissed. Um, yeah Sherlock. Ray Charles could tell I was pissed.

He called me from work that night and said his plan was to get me a new ring (my engagement ring has been messed up for years because he messed it up) and wanted it to be “bigger and better”. However, yesterday he clarified and said he misspoke and meant he wanted to get me an enhancer for my ring…I hate enhancers. So I told him not to worry about it and walked away. He later told me I hurt his feelings when I said to forget about it, and I went off. I told him that in the entire time we’ve been married, he has never gotten me a Christmas gift on time. They’ve always been delivered late, but this year he just straight up didn’t buy anything. After everything I’ve done to make it a nice Christmas for him, his family, our child, and I get nothing in return? Just a simple “you did great!” and that’s supposed to be enough?! He has the freedom to go off and do whatever he wants whenever he wants, yet I have to ask permission to go get a pedicure. It’s ridiculous.

Some of you might think I’m ungrateful, but the truth is that I’m just hurt. His true colors came out, and I know he doesn’t give a 💩 about me. I’ve pulled back from him and I think he can tell. I’m tired of exhausting myself to do things for him to make his life easier yet I get nothing in return. I can’t ask family for help because we don’t live close to family at all. The whole thing just sucks to be honest. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or turn into Lorena Bobbitt.


30 comments

  3. Last year my husband did the worst Christmas for me, and like you I vocalized it and was pissed that I didn’t get what I asked for because he ordered the week before Christmas and were either coming late or out of stock. I basically told him I’m shopping for months and working my ass off so everyone has the best Christmas. (I’m also a stay at home mom) this year was a night and day difference. He ordered months in advanced and cooked Christmas dinner and made my favorite Christmas breakfast. This man does not care about you, especially if this is repeated behavior.

  4. Mine always gets me something last minute.. like he had an hour and only went to one store kind of last minute. Not sure if yours is worse. Meanwhile I’m done with my shopping by cyber Monday at the latest.

  6. At this point you’re already a single parent . Just follow through and see that divorce attorney right after the first of the year 🤷‍♀️ sorry he’s so shitty . You deserve…f it , WE deserve so much better as mothers .

  7. I left a similar guy. New guy is worlds better. Men have to earn our life-making. We no longer need to give it to them by virtue of their place in society. Virtual hug to you

  9. This sounds exhausting and insanely frustrating. I’d feel insulted as well, feel the things! Voice eeeeeeverything you’re thinking and feeling and don’t worry about his feelings, he needs a damn reality check. 

  10. Your husband is a terrible provider. And I don’t mean money, a provider is someone who actually does what needs to be done to support the family.

    I divorced my husband because he was a shit provider. It wasn’t until after the divorce that he realized how much I had been carrying. He finally saw that he wasn’t “providing”, he was going to the gym, hanging out with friends, watching TV, and just expecting me to sacrifice so everything would keep running.

    Once we divorced, he had to do all of it himself, and it was a huge wake-up call.

    He’s apologized and asked if we could try again for the kids’ sake. I’ll never marry him again, but when I asked what changed, he said he’s been asking ChatGPT for advice instead of his friends, because his friends are also bad providers.

    We’ll see how it goes, i’m giving him a chance for my kids sake but realistically just not being financially tied to someone who has proven to be so selfish in the past is a huge weight off my shoulders.

  11. Oh, that’s rough. I’m so sorry. It does suck.

    You may be entering the phase of “quiet quitting” of your relationship. Where you no longer buy him gifts, but put up decorations that will please your child. And as that child grows up, you do less and less of that kind of thing.

    Buy yourself presents.

  12. You are not ungrateful! He should have 100% gotten you a slew of gifts….his next comment will be “I didn’t know what to get you”….which is also BS….any man who says that is selfish and doesn’t even like his spouse!

    It’s time to make some big decisions for your life…do you want to live the rest of your life miserable with a man-child

  13. If you stay with this inconsiderate person then I’d suggest you forget about buying any gifts for him or his family next year. Tell him it’s his job and if he doesn’t go shopping for them then they won’t get anything. 

  14. I would have said, as calmly and intentionally as possible, “Why did you marry me if you don’t even like me? Did you settle for me because you thought it was the next step in life and that I was the best you could get? Because based on how you treat me, that’s exactly how it feels. So thank you for showing me just how little you like—or value—me.”

  15. My ex would sometimes me things he wanted, not what I wanted. He basically bought himself a gift.

  17. > Some of you might think I’m ungrateful…

    Ungrateful for what? Literally for what? The intention to get you something you didn’t want?

    ETA: you sound like a great mom and wife, and daughter/DIL. He doesn’t know how good he has it.

  20. Sidenote…you’re a really expressive writer with a distinct voice, I enjoyed reading this from that standpoint.

    I’m also mad at your husband and you have every right to be angry.

  22. I’m so sorry. I’ve been here and it hurts to be the one who creates the magic, only to have a partner that thinks he deserves to just sit back and enjoy the benefits like he could when he was a child! It’s so unattractive and soul crushing to give, give, give and not have the effort reciprocated. If you love him, he needs a sharp wake up to adult reality. Parenting is shared, free time is something both people need and deserve…he gives the impression that he’d feel like watching his own child is babysitting.
    Not getting you a gift is just so lazy. He could have even just written you a sweet letter if he had no idea what to get, or even a lazy ‘here’s a gift card’ to ensure you know you are valued and loved. I feel for you dad watching that unfold too. Guaranteed he has trouble watching his little girl get overlooked by the man who is supposed to love her.
    Stop putting so much effort into him! Save your energy for yourself and see if he even notices a change. This unhealthy dynamic leads to long term unhappiness and resentment if not addressed. He needs to understand that you are a human with needs and emotions, not his mother, not his caregiver or dutiful house ‘thing’.
    Get yourself the gift you should have received, or two, or three! You deserve to be spoiled and rewarded too! Take care of yourself and your child first, and stand up for yourself. He is sleepwalking his way to divorce with this kind of behavior.

  23. You’ve posted several times in this sub about how shitty he is and how badly he treats you. I mean this in the most gentle and respectful way possible: I think you already know the answer to what you need to do (leave him), but you’re looking for confirmation from us to go ahead and do it.

    None of his behaviors show love, adoration, affection, or respect for you. He does not cherish you or value you at all. It is in your best interest to leave, otherwise you will stay in a marriage that shows your son that men shouldn’t prioritize their wives.

  25. You’re not a SAHM if you work, you’re a working mom with no equal partner to help with raising your child(ren).

  26. I can tell you’re very strong. Let this be enough of a sign for you to leave. I wish I acted based on early signs, instead it’s a decade in and I feel stuck. My shitty marriage has had a terrible impact on both of my children. Don’t be like me. You can do this on your own!

  27. LEARN FROM THIS!! (Sorry for shouting). Stop doing everything. Outsource Xmas – go to a restaurant. Don’t buy him a present “oh, I was going to get you something in the post Xmas sales…..” The more you give, the more he’ll take. His father may have treated his mother like this? A restaurant is cheaper than a gym membership! Gawd – I could shake him for being so self centred. Keep icing him & don’t accept any blame. NEVER AGAIN! Love, Lorena xx

  28. Who would think you’re ungrateful? You’re not a stay at home mom if you’re working from home. You’re a working parent who is doubling as childcare. That’s a ton of work. Stop saying you stay at home like it’s your only job. Say you work from home and you are childcare. I also don’t want to be blunt or mean bc you are venting but stop buying him gifts.

  29. That sucks. You deserve so much better. Have you told him directly howm ml much this all hurts you? Is he aware that this kind of behavior is what leads women to leave relationships? In my 20s I had a boyfriend who said he ordered a bunch of stuff for Christmas and Valentine’s and it just didn’t come on time. In late February, I sat hum down and explained I didn’t care about the stuff, but the lack of care and thoughtfulness he had towards me. He was young, inexperienced, and clueless. He did better for the next few years we were together. Maybe your husband can be educated too? For further context, my husband has literally never dropped the ball. He thinks about me and my experience on important days. He fills my stocking too.

  30. For far too long I just accepted this narrative that I was supposed to buy all the gifts, gifts for my family, our kids, his mom, him. Plan, cook, clean, wrap, and tell him I didn’t want anything . When deep down I only told him that because he didn’t ask til the last minute and it also hurt my feelings that he wasn’t capable of ever getting me a single thing on his own. If I wanted to tell him what to get me , I would just buy it and wrap it myself like I did all the other gifts. And really, it wasn’t about the gift, it was about the fact that I wanted to be shown he cared enough to put thought and effort into knowing his wife. So- telling him I didn’t want anything was my way of trying to pretend not to care .

    On Mother’s Day I pretended I wasn’t his mom so why should I care if he just got me a card but didn’t seem to care that I still cleaned the house or cooked as usual unless we went out with family ?

    It was just another day of the year.

    But the thing is, burnout is real and eventually your mental threshold gets reached.

    I know there are men in this situation so it isn’t just women I’m talking about but I can only attest to my own experience and for women like me who spend every day of the year anticipating needs before they become problems , taking care of chaos so everyone else can relax, literally narrating exactly what needs done in the entire house because no one else will or can or does, cleaning up the Same mess over and over, and being asked questions that seem (to us) like they have obvious answers by our significant other- it’s nice to have one day a year (or more) where we could be shown some of the same thought and effort we put into our spouse . And If not, stop pouring from an empty glass into theirs. Do things that make you feel better

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