My self-esteem is very low. I am nervous shy and shrunken in social situations. But I deeply crave forsocial interactiosn and friendships. I am usually very nervous meeting new people, to the point where I practically haven’t made a single friend in the last ten years, din't try much. I experience severe social anxiety, I don’t initiate anything with others and I tend to fall into a passive space when I’m around people. I struggle to identify what I want or feel in the moment, which makes me feel like an uninteresting person. I believe my social anxiety and AuDHD (in and out for diagnosis rn) are significant factors in this, as I always feel invisible and undesired in every space I enter.
On the contrary, my partner, despite having her own share of problems, is assertive, charismatic, and passion-driven. She talks to people and makes friends very easily; people are naturally drawn to her. While she is the most amazing partner to me, issues have been surfacing lately that can no longer be pushed aside. Neither of us had many friends, so we decided to make some, but whenever we go out to socialize, she is the one who naturally bonds with others. I often feel like people are interested in her by default, and I am simply the tag-along. I struggle with severe overthinking around this, constantly analyzing these interactions, which only makes me feel more lonely and disconnected.
Since I had to cut off my old friends because they weren't supportive when I came out, I don’t have any separate friends of my own. In social interactions, I only connect with people on a surface level, which leaves me feeling a deep void afterward. I see her making deep connections. I feel neglected and left out, convinced that I am never anyone’s first choice for friendship. I know why this happens: I am socially awkward, my mind goes blank when talking, and I am an agreeable people-pleaser who feels like I don’t have much of my own to offer.
Now, I feel a spark of jealousy every time this happens, followed by resentment. I actively tell myself that this isn’t my partner’s fault, and I eventually get over the jealousy, but I am still left with a profound sense of loneliness and sadness. I don't know how to be social, open, or charming, or how to be vulnerable enough to make friends and build meaningful intimacy. Because my partner is my only close confidant, all of these problems unfortunately end up being projected onto her. I simply don’t know what to do or how to work on this.