I’m 32F, my partner is 39M, and we’ve been together for around 7 years. I’m currently pregnant and due in February. I love him, but I’m completely emotionally drained and don’t know where to go from here.
Marriage has always mattered to me. I’ve never wanted anything extravagant – no big wedding or expensive ring – just the commitment, the intention, the feeling of being chosen. I’ve been open about this from early on. Over the years, I’ve brought it up gently, seriously, emotionally, and every time there’s been a new reason why it’s “not the right time.”
At first it was “it’ll happen.”
Then it was money.
Then it was work stress.
Then it was his dad becoming seriously ill.
Then it became that he “doesn’t really believe in marriage” because his parents divorced when he was young.
I found out I was pregnant back in May, and honestly I thought this would finally be the moment. I’m obsessed with Christmas – he knows how much it means to me – and with a baby on the way, it just felt like the perfect timing. I really believed it would happen.
He even spent weeks secretly working on a Christmas gift, which made me even more convinced. It turned out to be a scrapbook for our baby, which was sweet, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t heartbroken. There was even a small box under the tree that made my heart stop, and it turned out to be a novelty item. I felt foolish for getting my hopes up.
This isn’t a one-off. Every holiday, birthday, trip away, or “special moment,” I think maybe this is it – and every time I’m wrong. Friends and family always assume he’s going to propose, and I’m left awkwardly explaining that he hasn’t. My parents are very traditional and don’t understand why we’re not engaged, especially now that I’m pregnant. His dad is seriously ill, which makes it even harder to understand why he wouldn’t want that moment while he’s still here.
What hurts even more is that he has proposed before – to his ex. They were together for less time than we’ve been, bought a house together, and even tried for a baby. She also cheated on him, and even then he tried to make it work. Knowing that makes it even harder not to feel like I’m somehow less worthy of commitment.
Whenever I bring this up, he gets defensive. He says things like “there’s too much going on” or “let’s just get the baby out of the way first,” which honestly breaks my heart. It makes it feel like our relationship and our child are just items on a to-do list.
If I push, he’ll say “fine, we can get married then,” which hurts even more. I don’t want to drag someone into proposing. I want him to want to marry me, not do it out of obligation.
I’ve told him I have a limit. I’ve told him I don’t want to waste my life waiting. But now I’m pregnant, living with him, we’ve renovated his house together, we have a dog, and it feels like he knows I’m stuck. Like he gets all the benefits of commitment without actually committing.
What finally broke me was my sister’s birthday. Her long-term boyfriend didn’t propose either, and she was devastated. Seeing her pain mirrored my own. My dad overheard us talking and said he doesn’t understand why my partner won’t propose, that when you love someone, you don’t wait forever. I’ve spent years defending my partner, and suddenly I just couldn’t anymore.
I love him, but I’m exhausted. I don’t want to wake up one day with a baby, no ring, and the realisation that I stayed because I was scared to start over. I don’t want to beg someone to choose me.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone been in this situation? Does it ever change, or am I just delaying the inevitable?