i'm with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. that being said over the past few months i’ve noticed i don’t finish during sex anymore. for context i think i'm less sexual than what’s considered “normal” (whatever that is). i usually feel very horny for about 7 consecutive days each month and outside of that not much. in the past, i could finish, but it often took a lot of concentration and was kind of a 50/50 chance. idk maybe i got too comfortable with him or something because lately i don’t even try. when we have sex, i tell him it's ok for him to finish (so i don't make him hold it longer for me) and when he’s pleasuring me i switch to sex or smth else so he can feel good too.
after a recent argument, something clicked. i realized how much of myself i give up to please him not just sexually, but in general. i was upset about a decision i made and realized i only made it out of pleasing him. i’m a people pleaser (in general, but especially with him) and often say yes to things i don’t really want, then feel sad or frustrated after. i can see how this pattern transputes in our sex life. i’m almost entirely focused on pleasing him and i don’t allow space for him to focus on me. it’s conflicting because i genuinely want him to feel good, both sexually and non sexually speaking, but i also deeply need to feel loved. the one thing that’s purely for my pleasure (him going down on me) i brush off… partly because i’m self conscious and partly because it feels very exposing, even a little shameful…? what’s confusing is that i was shy the first year or so then i wasn’t at all and now i'm shy again…? when the attention is on me, i rush to redirect it back to him. i can’t relax into my own pleasure. subconsciously, i feel like i want to please him. consciously, i need to feel pleased, loved. i lose myself in pleasing him and then i end up hurt because i don’t feel loved.
by overgiving, i unintentionally block myself from the very thing i crave: receiving (care, affection). i’m not afraid to talk to him about this and i plan to. i just wanted to put this out here to process it first.
has anyone lost the ability to receive pleasure after years in a relationship? how do you stop people pleasing (in general or in sex life)? how do you learn to receive attention when you’re used to giving it? any advice?
PS: i feel loved through acts of service, if that matters