Im not exactly sure if i should make a trigger warning for this but ill put it anyway
Warning my story contains some talk of SA
As the title says, I keep getting romantic feelings for my bestfriend. I for sure need to drop some lore for the whole picture. So basically in freshman year of hs i met this beautiful girl who was a year ahead of me. We met through volleyball and made mutual friends and have been in a few different friend groups together throughout hs. When some time after i met her i was at my worst state to be honest in hs because last year a girl accused me of sexually assaulting her when we were “talking”/being touchy together. (later on in my senior year i realized she did this to multiple ppl but idk if i have to go more into detail tbh). So anyways i was in a friend group in her when this happens and i kinda separate from all my friends and friend groups so it was my loneliest year in hs. And this event also sort of left a mark on me. Ever since then I had been deathly afraid of making too much contact with the opposite gender so I was just really shut off from any girl till later on i the one helping me slowly work on that was my girl bestfriend. Later on i started going to her church and she shared her lore with me about her getting molested when she was younger by a pastor from her old church. Unfortunately she had never done anything about it so that disgusting example of a man got away with it. (I kinda wanted to include this to help depict what kind of person she is) So she is a little more reserved and cautious. She also spoke about how her dad used to deal and at one point was in jail and that her mom was kinda of a manipulative with her words. (I lowkey dont know how to explain it better rn) later on she started talking to one of our mutual friends but it didnt last long. After that i also began my first talking stage and first relationship which lasted like 2 or 3 months and I think that was most of sophomore year though i might edit it if anything comes back to mind. Junior year was kind of hectic cause this was the year i got on academic probation for failing one to many college classes. She also got into a relationship with some guy during her senior year which started around the end of junior year. The guy kinda sucked at making moves. She was always the first one talking and when there was an argument that he would suck at trying to work with her to try to find a solution. Towards the end of the relationship they had sex and she hated the fact that he acted like it never happened and wasnt there for her when she had all these thoughts about why he hasnt brought it up when she had tried once and he sort of shut it down. Eventually, she decided to break it off with him. Btw i was also sort of giving her advice on what to do about her situation BUT HEAR ME OUT. Not once did i ever let my feelings get in the way of giving her good advice. I could never forgive myself if i came in with bad intentions to get them to break up and me to swoop in. I think around the end of junior year she kind of put things together and figured out i liked her. She said she sees me like a little brother. I sat as if i was just sitting in a hole of shame. I told her if i could distance myself for 2 weeks. she said ofc and that it was fine. The two weeks pass and I told her im better now. I think in that moment i just completely lied to her face. later in my senior year i go into this talking stage and it BOMBS. This girl was lowkey evil for leading me on but i was also in the wrong for being naive and then ignorant. But there was this one beautiful moment that honestly stuck to my heart. Me and my gbsf had gone to a volleyball open gym and i was js constantly stressing and honestly i think it may have been one of my first few panic attacks but she gently grabbed my face and reassured me its gonna be okay. That night was honestly one of the calmest i had had in a while. (we are so close to the present) Fast forward i break it off with that girl and later on she told me that i dont know whats good for me lol. Fast forward some more and shes now in a different relation ship but the guys a lil sketchy. He says he hasnt truly loved a girl before, that he has dated a few girls so idk why exactly he wanted to tell her that. also just in case it wasnt implied already she has graduated and is now working at a store. (obv not saying what for privacy reasons) Now its getting around to the time im graduating, i then take a “summer break” and then i go to work with my dad in construction. I dont know, but i dont have the heart to tell my dad i think this was a mistake. I left my friends behind and i feel like im losing all my connections. I am scared of losing it all and recently i went to my bsf’s party and i decided to drive alone all the way back 10 hours straight for the first time ever. I have only ever driven with my father out of state so i guess this was something new, scary and nerve racking wrecking wtv idk the exact saying. I get there and i meet all her new friends from work and they are so chill. Then i hear about this fineshyt [my name] and how im florida [my name] so tht had me rlly nervousand she drops the fact i drove 10 hours straight for her birthday party so that put me in the spotlight lol cs she was kinda bragging abt it with a smile on her face lol. So im chilling at the party getting to know her friends which are rlly chill ofc and later into the night one of her friends comes back to the table and says “[bsf name] always talks about florida [my name] (me) , not fineshyt [my name] but you, but dont worry we call him fineshyt cause hes kinda chopped and a bad person so dont worry” This came up unprovoked and randomly so 2 other people heard this. Tbh i js thought it was strange cs she (bsf) is in a relationship and i wouldnt want to make a mess of anything. and thats kinda how things are for the most part i think.. but mainly i come to yall for help because i feel like something may be wrong with me and many thoughts go through my head when im alone. i have a small feeling we may be getting a little distant but thats partially my fault cs i get rlly tired from work. One reoccurring thought i have is; Would it be best for me to leave her life? I care for her, i want whats best for her but losing her is one of my fears. Shes so strong and compassionate, she also got me my first flowers. They were a beautiful purple theme bouquet. She also went to my graduation and we had dinner with my family and 2 other friends of mine. I want to also repeat this incase ppl overlook it. i have never ever let my feelings get in the way of giving her good advice. I wanna do things the right way. But right now im stuck with this shame weighing down my heart cause im scared that what i feel is wrong. Thank you to everyone who reads this and decides to help me it means a lot.