Keep getting broken up with the same way. What to do when you’re never chosen? On the verge of giving up.

41 comments

1. Hi there, sorry this is happening to you. I feel the same way, almost like I’m the female version of “good luck chuck” and after dudes date me and discard me, they find “the one.” Beyond frustrating. First of all, I don’t know how old you are but I’m in my 40s trying to date dudes. It’s rough. No one takes dating seriously. I’m also not sure how you’re meeting these women (sorry if you specified) but dating apps breed a certain level of non-committed people, imo.

   I also want to play devil’s advocate here for a second. After being ghosted *so* many times recently (back in 2024 while I was actively trying to date) it was so refreshing when a dude was like, sorry, I’m not feeling the connection. I actually appreciate it a lot. So while it’s frustrating that this keeps happening, I’m glad they are at least communicating their disinterest. I know I’m talking a bit outta both sides of my mouth and I’m not trying to invalidate your experience. It’s so frustrating to constantly not feel like “the one” to anybody. Especially when you feel like you have a lot to offer. Sorry I’m not much help I just know it sucks.

2. The question is – how do you make them feel…as a friend? Are you trying to “buy” into their interest? I dont know a lot of things to really properly find the problem, but it would be great to know what exactly do you do on a date, one specific example, what do you talk about etc…and also what do you do AFTER the date. You can PM me if you want.

   All the responses just mean that they dont want to continue with YOU and it looks like you do too much too soon, but maybe Iam wrong.

3. If I had to bet, based on the texts, I would guess you are over pursuing and not giving them enough time and space to choose into the relationship

   This could be as simple as texting them too much (even if they text back — just being too available is not attractive), or planning dates back to back too soon (I.e. twice a week or more), or even just talking about the future instead of just relaxing and going with the flow

   People don’t fall in love when they spend time together. They fall in love when they’re apart and they have time to think about the other person, to miss them, and be overcome with desire for them

   If you want someone to fall in love with you, you’ve got to pace yourself and let it happen organically instead of consciously or subconsciously trying to force it like most guys do

   Women don’t generally feel safe when they sense any kind of pressure on your end. They want to feel like it is their choice to fall in love with you, and not something you’re desperate for, or trying to force her into because “oh my god we have this great connection”

   Give her space to think about how she feels about you

4. How old are you and how old are the women you’re matching with?

5. OP, are you gross toenail guy? Because I hope not.

6. Stop trying to rush this bro. You’re wanting the end result so immediately that you’re trying to skip the process. That causes tension, and tension causes fatigue. Relax, you’ll find her, and if you don’t, maybe the process was the prize all along.

7. To be honest I’m starting to recognize this. I do want a serieus long term relationship but when I start dating more intensely it just overwhelms me, makes me want to retreat and I cut it off thinking it’s not the right person for me (because I kind of think the right person won’t overwhelm me). Since this is becoming a pattern I think it’s a fear of commitment that I have developed (instead of it not being the right person). Now I plan to continue dating longer to see if this fear is going away.

   Why I am saying this is, online dating is not for everyone. Im also starting to see the more and more people getting issues. It probably doesn’t have anything to do with you.

   You deserve someone that does not have these issues but if you would like to explore further with any of these women you could just let them know you would like to do something together (no pressure more in a friendship kind of way). My guess is when they let their guard down and have the time to get to know you without the pressure of dating something could develop. But they also don’t know that for sure that’s why they say they don’t want to waste your time.

8. I know you mentioned that you used to counsel couples, but I’m wondering if you did any work on attachment styles? In some ways it seems like you might continually be choosing women who might have avoidant attachment issues? Although maybe subtle, it could be that you’re missing some clues in how they show up, or don’t, during the dating phase that leads up to these realizations. Avoidant people can sometimes show up in very people pleasing ways in order to avoid deeper conversations, or out of fear that their authentic self is somehow going to make the other person uncomfortable. So they’ll essentially match your energy until something seems too relationship-like and they get overwhelmed and bail. Maybe digging more into this can help you recognize some of these signs sooner, and figuring out your own patterns might also shed some light.

   Otherwise, it sounds like you’re dating intentionally and focused on the right things. I hope in time you’ll be able to find the authentic connection you’re seeking.

9. Could be hygiene. Nobody wants to tell you that you have bad breath or body odor or that your toenails are gross because they imagine they’d be mothering you your entire relationship.

10. As a woman, if im not interested after the first date, i usually try to be honest by saying I simply dont feel a connection. I think some women find it easier to give other reasons that, to them, don’t seem as harsh. A lot of the times I’ve not felt a connection due to me – the woman, almost ALWAYS being the one asking the questions on a date. Im in my early 20s, and a coworker of mine in her mid 30s also has the same issue. Could it be that maybe you’re not asking enough questions? Maybe you are. But a lot of the men ive gone on first dates with think the date went well and i have to be the one to say… sorry, not interested. Maybe with you it’s not the conversation at all; but as a woman this is one of the most prominent reasons why i end up not pursuing a date further; because there was simply no connection, chemistry or banter/it feels forced, or they didn’t show enough interest in me by asking questions about ME! Anywho, not trying to say this is the definite cause of what you’re experiencing.. just putting it out there. Hope you find your person soon.

11. Those texts are just generic responses letting you know they aren’t interested in you. You’ll need to do a mental playback on the dates and see where you can improve. You’ve got a great dating resume, it sounds like you just need to do a better job of garnering their interest on the dates.

12. I had similar issues. For a long time. I recently stumbled upon the concept of ‘slow dating’, on YouTube and many articles. Do some research to find a bunch of material on this. I attempted it this past August and quickly found an interesting woman. We are approaching the 4 month anniversary of our relationship. I was very up front telling her I wanted to go slow, that I wanted connection first, to really get to know her. We didn’t hold hand or kiss on our 8 dates spread out over a month. Lots of active dates: walks in parks, bike path rides, breakfast, lunch and dinner dates. All with only hugs. I was feeling ready to take the relationship exclusive and had a long conversation about it. Three months later it’s been eternally opening how compatible and comfortable we are together. Give it a try: Slow Dating…

13. You sound like a great guy on paper!

    I’m not sure how old you are so I’ll comment from my own perspective (25F) which may not be applicable… so please feel free to disregard 🙂

    In my experience, when a great guy who “ticks all the boxes” is rejected with a nice text it’s usually one of these reasons:

    – You are coming across as a bit intense for a first/second date, which is intimidating even for someone who is general looking for a LTR. I am leaning towards this bc of all the hectic life reasons you are getting.
    The solution to this isn’t to act “harder to get”, but rather go with the flow instead of ramping things up too quickly.

    – There is something off putting about the way you are coming across. If it’s not your looks it might be something less obvious personality wise/mannerism wise, worth asking a friend for advice.
    Clearly you are acting gentlemanly which is why you’re getting these nice texts back, so I’m assuming you’re not being rude/threatening etc. So I wouldn’t worry too much about date etiquette or that kind of thing.

    – She’s hung up on someone else (trying to get over them by actively dating/also seeing someone else from the app at the same time and likes them more).
    Unfortunately this is somewhat common, and totally not on you! Having said that, I’d be surprised if more than 1/2 out of 10 ladies were going through this though.

    – Is there something in common about all these ladies you’re interested in? Potentially something about them that means they’re interested in a partner that isn’t you?

    – Lastly, and I don’t mean this unkindly. Is it possible you have something in your life that is undesirable as a partner? This might not be something obvious. Some examples to consider:
    Do you come across as still hung up on anyone? As very lonely? Are you extremely close to your mother (beyond the normal?) Do you have a very rigid lifestyle in terms of fitness/hobbies etc.?

    Just my thoughts, best of luck with it!

14. These texts are usually the kind of ones I send to people who are boring (I.e don’t really mesh with) tbh

15. I’m a woman and had to go on 20 first dates to find my person after my last relationship. A large percentage of those guys would have gone on second or third dates with me, but I know myself and knew what I wanted, and I’m happy I didn’t settle for guy #10 or #15.

    I feel like a lot of guys are willing to date me (at least for a few months) despite us not being life partner level of compatibility, which is something I can figure out VERY fast.

    Those women are using “not ready to date” as an excuse to say “not ready to date YOU”, and that’s ok, because you don’t want to spend your life with somebody who is lukewarm about you.

    If you would have wanted to proceed with 8/10 women you need to become more picky or figure out what’s important to you in life.

    On another note, you might also just be unlucky, or consciously or sub consciously attracting the wrong type of woman, which is something you can identify and try to prevent at least partially.

16. My suspicion would be (as someone stated above) you maybe unintentionally choosing women that are a bit more withdrawn/avoidant – as indicated by the fact that all women seem to mention something related to capacity (can’t give you enough, enjoying “me time”, one suggested after a trip ending things, etc). Either that, or your energy feels very excited/ too invested after one date? I would say in the past this can give me a feeling of weariness, like “how can you be this excited when you don’t really know me?” and that can cause me to pull back.

    Maybe next first date that goes well- establish that you enjoyed it and interest in seeing them again- but keep contact minimal until a second or third date has occurred. They may just be getting the vibe that you’re all in/ only in pursuit of a warm body rather than them as individuals. Again, only giving what I have felt in the past when my feelings go from “that was a good date” to “hmm.. maybe this isn’t right”. I can be a bit avoidant when meeting someone all in quickly as well 🙂

    That being said- as a human being, you sound lovely. I do not see anything that inherently screams “oh god, no wonder!”. Just guessing it’s an energy too quick thing. The right person will embrace your excitement and click perfectly, so don’t let these dissuade you too much. Just be mindful going into the next one!

17. A couple of thoughts.
    1. Women indicating that they’re looking for a ”life partner” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re looking for a life partner. More often, it’s their way of saying that they’re not looking for hook ups (even if they are).
    2. Based on the three messages you shared, it seems you are putting out good energy and showing up well. The three women weren’t ready to match that level and realized it. They want/need someone easier.

    My advice is to keep being you but set a higher standard for the women you date.

18. based on what i think i can piece together it sounds like you are too eager. you said these all happened after first dates, but say they have broken up with you. these aren’t breakup texts these are people communicating with you they don’t want to start a relationship with you- that subconscious framing is sticking out to me

19. One thing that stands out, is you listing all of your life achievements and political stance as things that should qualify and entitle you for a relationship. While those things are good things, pluses, there is something missing. A life partner isn’t necessarily compatible just because of the things you listed. Chemistry, personality, how you treat others, just to name a few. Those things matter.

    People don’t mesh just because they think they are qualified. And you shouldn’t be peeling your own onion skins back to figure out what to change just to get into a relationship. Live your life, do what’s right, help out where you can, and keep putting yourself out there as opportunity arises. Find the person who wants to be with the real you.

20. Are you being annoying? (Ie treating women like they’re a Google search engine, just to keep in contact + drain their time and energy.)

    Are you… Lacking in bed?

    Did you go Dutch on the date?

    Did you get them home safely?

    Pardon the blunt questions. No need to answer. There are many reasons why women get the ick. Could be anything.

21. no offense, you’re probably boring and too readily available. there’s no thrill in the chase. unfortunately there’s no remedy here either… you just have to keep doing this until you meet the woman that is ready to have a predictable life.

22. Hey, is it possible you are on the spectrum? I only ask because I’m a clinical psychologist, and I see a lot of men in therapy who I would generally agree are good guys but didn’t understand why they kept getting rejected (prior to their diagnosis).

23. Did you make them laugh a lot? If not, they didnt find you fun enough to hang again.

24. Where are you located? You sound like a catch to me lol

25. A mental health counselor on the verge of a mental breakdown.

    My guess is that you are boring and too much of a nice guy. Sounds like these women just step all over you.

26. It seems like it’s not about your hard facts (like job, money, appearence) but you obviously can’t establish an romantic emotional connection with a woman. Women don’t “feel the spark” with you. This is a problem a lot of intelligent and good earning guys have to deal with. Your approach might be too analytical and you might have the “nice guy syndrome”. There is a lot of help online and you can find a lot of coachings where you can learn to establish an emotional connection. The problem is that dating is not analytical. It often feels counterintuitive for a lot of men.

27. Are you by any chance bit too fast with relationships? Maybe those women want to take it slow? They don’t open up fast enough as you and feel overwhelmed? I am like this: I am fast and talking about long term stuff as if I know them for a year. But those men are also dating other women. They want to take it slow . Although my goal would be to not waste much time, so I ask deep intimate questions . I don’t like dating. It’s a waste of time for me.. but guess most want to take it really slow by getting to know each other.. long time ago a guy told me: “why are you taking notes about what I like and dislike? You seem desperate and naive.” lol then I found another guy who was like me. He was ok with being exclusive right from the start.

    Also another tip: never show off, never tell women how much you make. And don’t shower them with too much attention (gifts, always paying for food and such). You need to do these things only for the right person… I worry some could use you ;;

28. Either a) nothing is wrong and sometimes it’s just not a match and that’s fine. Or it really is something on the woman’s end and has nothing to do with you.

    Or b) you’re saying/doing something that’s a turn off and nobody’s telling you what it is.

    Either way, I don’t think it changes the reality: dating apps is a numbers game and if you take this all hard then it’s going to really wear you down over time. How about you go meet people naturally and find someone to date that way. Then you get to start with the premise of just being friends and when you find someone you connect with then you can see about taking it to the next step.

    Also as a side note, all those things you listed just get you in the door, but only someone vain or selfish is going to care that you make good money or were a former athlete. The sooner you realize your checkbox-type achievements don’t translate to relationship success or compatibility then you’ll stop using them as justification for why you should have more success. It kind of came across as bragging and maybe that’s the vibe you’re giving off on these dates?

29. you sound intense and overwhelming to be honest. You look well set up, but now you need to add humbleness and humility

30. Hey man it definitely sucks this is happening to you and i’m pretty sure you don’t deserve it. This might be totally unrelated but i’d just like to point out that throughout your message i notice the way you talk about yourself looks a bit self-centered, as in I’m this, I used to be that, I have this, I … The reason im bringing this up is just to have you reflect if maybe this is a way you speak in general, aswell as on your dates? If not, please discard this message. But if you do recognize it, this might well be one the reasons you’re hitting a roadblock. Goodluck buddy!

31. So dead honest they are giving you the soft or nice let down. While you might seem like a catch from your list , there is clearly more to it if multiple women are giving you the same response. Take some time to work on yourself and self reflect . There is also the problem where some people say that on their profiles but to lure people in when they aren’t actually capable of a relationship . You could just be bad at weeding out women who are serious about dating and those who are not.

32. I think you won’t get the real answer here. You may have all the good qualities, but you give off a certain vibe that turns them off. If you really want to know, you can ask these women directly. Tell them you understand and that you’d appreciate an honest feedback because you’d like to work on yourself. You’ve got nothing to lose at this point.

33. It’s the mentality of being chosen. You’re not some prize to be won, you are an individual and it’s about building a relationship, regardless of the reason they gave you it could have simply been the wrong time for them or they didn’t feel good enough or a hundred other things.

    It’s about being okay with the dates and getting to know people then if something can grow how wonderful but not putting the stress of expectations on it.

    It’s going to be okay and when it does happen it’ll be better than you imagined.

34. Sometimes people don’t know what they want
    Or get scared when the find what they want

    But it could also be that younger moving too fast

    But definitely you haven’t met your person yet 😉

35. > I’m 6’1″

    > I’m told I’m good looking.

    > I have a masters degree.

    > I’m a former pro athlete.

    > I am on track to make close to $200K this year.

    My personal experience tells me that none of it matters. These are just qualifications that get you a date, like a degree can get you an interview. What matters is in-person chemistry.

36. Do you maybe give off “golden retriever” vibes? You sound like a great guy on paper. Are you very “stable”?

    As a woman, I say that we can be a bit vapid. A lot of my friends say they’re looking for “the real thing” but if they went on a date with a man who was truly stable, secure, intentional towards them, most of them would internally panic and not know what to do. A lot of people are wired for drama. A lot of people are wired to think it can’t be love/real feelings if it isn’t a struggle to get it.

    All this to say, once it clicks on both sides it’ll be worth it

37. You’ve gotten a lot of solid advice here. My mind wondered…. “Does he smell?” You sure your breath is good and no body odour? That can kill things pretty quickly.

    You sound like a good partner on paper, like others have said. So if it’s not smells… then it’s your vibe or communication.

38. This is extremely common in online dating. you’re just not the exact type they are seeking out for a long-term relationship. The way you wrote your title, i thought they were your girlfriends. But if this is just girls breaking it off with you after a few dates, you dont need to take any of this personally at all or give it much thought. It’s a numbers game at the end of the day. Maybe you just seem too eager and are not allowing the pace of dating and getting to know each other, move at the pace these girls are desiring and etc. It’s hard to know the mistakes you might be making without a lot more context. Because girls dont get in relationships just because a guy looks or sounds good on paper, its about how you make them feel.

39. You can have all the best qualities in the world but if you just don’t have the vibe with someone and all the nuances that come with it then they will move on but remember people these days are looking for that ultimate unicorn and feel they will actually get it but we all know they never will. Just keep your head held high, it’s their loss and continue to move onwards. You will eventually get someone who’s suitable for you.

40. I’ve read some of your replies in this thread. From what you’ve said there and in your post, I get the impression that you are doing too much too soon and coming across as desperate.

    Have you ever dated or seen how a desperate woman looks whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or character on TV? You’re perhaps giving that “pick me” energy. It’s off putting and no one wants to be around that.

    I find it hard to believe that you’re truly interested in all of those women. So I’d say maybe you’re trying to make them all think that to increase your odds but that’s inauthentic. As though anyone will do so you will fit whomever allows you to into the slot of girlfriend/wife. That’s a heavy burden.

    I suggest getting off of the apps and dating women that you meet organically in real life.

    Also, you said that you’re expressive which is great but everything must be kept in perspective. This makes me think you put a lot of pressure on them and yourself which is a huge turnoff. Relax. Everyone isn’t your soul mate so you can’t operate as though they are.

    Meet people, have fun, be yourself, and stay open. If you hit it off, great. If not, all the same. Keep living your life.

    Choose yourself everyday. Know that you are worthy of love whether you find your match or not. Your self-esteem has to be internal. It cannot be determined upon someone wanting to date you or anything decided by another person.

    Build your confidence.

41. My first questions are: Are you clingy or needy? Are you smothering them?