Some relevant background information:
My mother has been divorced since I was around early puberty (10-12) and for the longest time it's been us against the world. The situation with my Bio-dad was messy and hostile and so were the divorce proceedings. So it's been just us two against the world up until I was about 16 and even then her current relationship did not take root until 2 years later after I was out of the house.
She is a relatively high strung, goal driven and detail oriented. From her experience a single mother and sole provider she has attained a very strict methodical way of approaching the world that involves assuming and preparing for the worst-case-scenario. She also constantly maintains multiple trains of thoughts, trying to cover every base in every situation (a necessary habit borne from our hardships).
My step dad is (I would say) is the antithesis to her. He has a son (older than me) and daughter (youger than me). Their family is generally much more laissez-faire when it comes to tackling practical problems and he particularly seems a bit scattered when doing things. In exchange he is extremely calm and emotional and operates accordingly. Most of what he does is driven by emotion, though that is often interfered with by a habit of passivity/disorganisation. He is very competent with spiritual/mental advice and support and has provides it in our darkest moments. I am infinitely grateful for his addition to our lives as he fills the emotional skill gap that I think my mother has. The man comes from an extremely predatory divorce, having lost a sizable amount of wealth in the proceedings (not broke, just painful). His kids are in various complicated situations in life, much like I was just a few year ago, and I believe him to be extremely worried and frazzled by their situation. He seems to be unsure of what to do with them due to his passive and docile nature.
Other factors:
In our country of residence, inheritance needs to be sorted quickly or the government will claim what is left – especially when you don't have a written will. This was the case with my grandfather's passing. In order to keep as much as possible my mother invested all liquid assets into existing properties and one new property under her name. This has rudimentally secured some wealth but has added an incredible load to her aging self. Compounding this issue is my geandmother' deteriorating dementia and a nonexistent medical infrastructure for this disease in our country.
My step-father does not speak the common tongue here and as such is extremely limited in what he can help with apart from physical labor. As a foreigner, he is also not completely versed in the nuances of this place and its people even after over a decade of residence (wich I find understandable).
I am stuck out-of-country as I hold a different nationality than my mother and our home does not allow for dual citizenship – a residency permit is currently out of the question due to my own life circumstances, though I come home as often as my life allows.
The situation now:
My mother has developed an extremely short temper. Tough it is mostly directed towards my step-dad, she also exhibits temper outbursts with others and she becomes particularly nasty in both tone and speech. Over the last few years I have noticed her speak ill of people behind their backs in our native tongue more and more. I initially brushed it off as just her venting, but it has been getting increasingly indefensible as of late – to the point That I have to directly say that what she is doing is somewhat reprehensible. It is a strange ever-present hostility I am unfamiliar with from her. At this point it feels and sounds like she is unsatisfied with others not psychically understanding her desires and following what she considers to be the right way of doing things – she assumes her way of thinking and doing, though logical and arguably efficient, is how everyone else should be thinking and acting.
She is exceedingly competent in almost all that she does, and due to my Step-dad's missing languege ability the vast majority of tasks seem to fall onto her. As a result she is visibly overwhelmed.
My step-father says it feels as if every deviation from perfection feels like a slight to her person (and to a degree I can see where he is coming from).
My mother primarily complains about my Step-dad's lack of initiative and action. It seems to be a compounded problem from financial, emotional and cohabitaion aspects of their relationship. Her perception of the situation has gotten so bad that she believes he is intentionally neglecting his filial duties as a husband. She feels him to be impotent in anything he does and is extremely upset with his habit of procrastination.
On the other hand my step-dad is aware of many of his shortcomings. I can see the guilt in his eyes and hear it in his voice. After a long talk with him I have found that he feels immasculated and disregarded in in his efforts. Due to his soft spoken nature he goes silent and avoids further confrontation – understandable considering my mother becomes extremely difficult to talk to once she is agitated (I would call it obstinate even). The pressure of feeling like he is walking on eggshells is visibly getting to him. I believe his passive and somewhat scattered nature makes him somewhat airheaded when it comes to smaller things (eg. Taking care of the garden, cleaning up after himself, taking inventory of the pantry etc.) and it transfers over to bigger more important tasks (I cannot attest to this, I have only my own conversations with the two of them to go on – though I do find it believable).
He does not feel at home here and I can see why if the above is true. Despite this I see him attempt small token gestures to patch things up. But from what I am hearing these are being interpreted as "bare minimum effort" to keep her placated (to "have the excuse of having done Something" ).
The biggest impression I am getting from him is a a severe lack in clarity in both what he wants/needs to do and what my mother expects from him.
Personally this situation in dredging up trauma from my parents divorce. I thought I was past it at nearly 30, but the anxiety and coinciding anxiety attack say otherwise. As a result I have now tried putting myself in the middle as a mediator. After long conversations I have suggested the following with priority in descending order:
1. That they properly sort their joint financial situation and discuss how funds are to be divided and used.
2.That they set rules for cohabitaion, make clear what their expectations are and be willing to make major compromises on both parts.
3.Work on their individual shortcomings (e.g. My mother's temper and anal-retentive nature, my Step-dad's lethargic way of doing things and passivity)
The way I see it, their marriage is holding on by a very frayed rope. I believe it is going to cost an immense amount of energy to fix…and I am unsure if either of them have enough left for this monumental task. My mother feels that she is unloved, but a man does not print out beautiful pictures of his partner as past time without there being some emotion. My step-dad feels a similar sentiment, but a woman does not travel between two countries to take care of a gravely injured man for months on end. I feel quite some love has been lost, but there is still some left. I just question if it's enough.
I love them both dearly, even with my inability to express it correctly. I do not want them to fall apart. Maybe I am a fool trying to save a ship destined to think. I can't let go of the picture of what could be – I refuse to let go.
Most of what I have written is what I have discovered in the last 24 hours. Most of the thoughts and ideas posted here are spur-of-the-moment, improvised and cobbled together from too much information for a single person to process. I have suggested counseling, but my mother sees it as a waste. I have now run out of ideas of what I can do to help. Is there something I am missing? Am I too critical of my mother? Am I favoring my step-dad in an attempt to equalize a self-perceived bias for my mother? Are there other elements to this I am missing?
Please help.