My boyfriend (34M) and I (34F) have been together for a year and a half. We’re very serious and have discussed marriage and children. We didn’t get each other gifts for Christmas last year… and that’s mainly because he didn’t mention anything so I assumed he wasn’t getting me anything and I was right. But now we live together with my 2 kids from my previous marriage and they love him.
For Christmas, I bought him tickets to one of his favorite comedians, great seats, which were about $400 total. I told him 3 weeks ago when I bought them that I got him something really good and he’s going to be so excited. I must have mentioned it at least 3 times. Money is also tight right now (for me not him) but I wanted to do something nice for him.
So today, Christmas morning happens and I give my kids all their gifts then hand him his and he is shocked when he opens it. Then he tried to save himself and tell me a sweater he bought me on his business trip 3 weeks ago was my “early gift”. I’m not an idiot.
I held it together for the kids but while they were in another room I started sobbing. I do so much for everyone and got not a single gift for Christmas from anyone. It was so hurtful. He could’ve even taken the kids to target to pick something cheap out for me and I would’ve been happy.
He clearly felt bad and was hugging me and apologizing but now I’m starting to rethink my entire relationship. How do I handle this situation?
TL;DR my(34F) boyfriend(34M) of a year and a half who I live with got me nothing for Christmas, when I got him something amazing and expensive. What do I do?
27 comments
Yes, he failed big. But instead of dropping hints to him, be open and perfectly clear: “We didn’t do Christmas gifts for each other last year. Yes or no, are we going to do gifts for each this year?”. I am making this point because men often don’t get hints. You may have thought you were being perfectly clear, but to him, it probably wasn’t.
Your feelings are legit. However, you two need to have a difficult conversation to understand what happened. Was it a miscommunication where you thought you were being obvious and from his side you were not? Did he pick up on it but just forgot (red flag)? My point is this is something you absolutely need to communicate clearly about before you go throwing your relationship away.
Tell him you’re reconsidering commitment to him, and if he wants a relationship he needs to do better. Also, in the future, make an effort to set a budget for birthdays and holidays verbally and together, so he knows what he should aim for. Don’t bother spending money on someone who doesn’t reciprocate gifts. You’re not wrong for being upset.
So embarrassing. He feels bad for what. These days you can order via your phone and get it shipped. He is lazy and thoughtless
If he is an excellent father-figure in your children’s lives, and you live together, and he’s loving/supportive to you and to them (enough that you’re talking about marriage), then perhaps consider that he’s usually thoughtful in the ways that matter most throughout the year, and that this was a hiccup, OP. Just because you hinted at a great gift for him this year, doesn’t mean he “heard” you and could guess that you’ve might’ve been anticipating something, too. He told you the sweater was an early gift.
You said last year that you did not exchange gifts. Perhaps he assumed that your “hint” at a great gift was something that wasn’t unwrapped under the tree (perhaps sexual or more emotional in nature)? I think that the fact that you were very upset and that he was holding you and comforting you should clue him in that next year, he won’t make the same oversight. But honestly, I think you should have a very frank discussion with him about your hurt feelings and expectations for the future. You clearly give so much to others. He could have the kids make you home-made ornaments, or personalize something himself, but you HAVE to tell him this and lay down the framework for what you would like in the future. Just be very candid with him in a loving and thoughtful way, understanding that he’s new to all of this and made an error in judgment about your expectations.
He’s stepping up to be a father to your children, and you’re talking about a future and growing your family. These are all positive signs of a man who is considering you and the kids as center of his expanding family, too. He just may need you to tell him candidly about future expectations, etc.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, and I hope he makes it up to you in the future, learning from this unfortunate oversight and misunderstanding.
Edited to Ask: Why did you both decide to NOT exchange gifts last year? Was it because it was a new relationship and you both were focusing on the kids only? I ask because it could be that he was applying the same approach to this year.
Money is tight for you and you are a single mom. Why are you spending $400 on a man you have only been dating for 1 1/2 years?
did he get your kids anything? i’d be so sad if i didn’t get anything.
You are 30 years old and rethinking a relationship with a man who is willing to be a father figure to your two children because he didn’t get you a gift despite the fact you were irresponsible and spent money you didn’t have for him (that he didn’t ask you to). He just might not be a good gift giver. Plus you are 30 years old why are you crying about not getting presents for doing things an adult is supposed to do
He should be sobbing if this is what he is in for.
So embarrassing. He is lazy and thoughtless. He could’ve did ANYTHING. It doesn’t have to be expensive..but he chose not to. There’s free gifts, he could’ve made you a card, picked flowers off the side of the road and wrote you a love letter but no. How you handle this is by giving yourself the best gift of all by LEAVING HIM
I wouldn’t tell him a thing or show a single emotion. Just move in silence and make a plan to leave. He will say, “the breakup came out of nowhere!” to anyone and everyone.
How come money is tight for you, but not him? You live together as a family, presumably?
Always discuss gift expectations with someone you’re dating. You spent way too much money on him for not discussing it.
Girl, dump him. Fuck this dude
I think this guy doesn’t actually care that much about you if he couldn’t manage to get u a gift of any kind.. im sorry.
What you do is break it off with him, and sell the tickets online to get your money back.
He’s only sorry cause it’s disrupting the functioning of his wife appliance.
I’ve been in that situation and it is so painful. It doesn’t matter what it is–to be sitting there with nothing to open while everyone else is enjoying opening the thoughtful gifts you found and wrapped is awful. You need to tell him. I spent too many christmases locked in the bathroom crying.
Have you considered asking him why he didn’t get you anything?
Might be good to talk before you start divying up the kids for the divorce.
I hate to go all 1990s on you, but he’s just not that into you. You’re asking what to do, but what I think you’re asking for is a rationalization on how you can accept that he doesn’t think you’re worth the effort. Let me be as clear as I can: You are worth the effort.
Echoing other comments, yes super lazy and thoughtless. Beyond inconsiderate. It’s common sense to get a gift in this scenario. Do you want your whole life to go like this? You can do better.
Things to consider
1. You didn’t do gifts last year, creating a precedent.
2. When you brought it up, he genuinely felt bad and tried to console you.
3. If he does well with you and your kids the rest of the time, what is his background? Did his family celebrate holidays? Is this something that isn’t a tradition for him?
It sounds like you guys need to strengthen your communication and set expectations.
If you create expectations in your head without your partner ever knowing they exist, you are just breeding disappointment.
Hate to be the person to bring in the standard Reddit answer of “break up”, but dude, this guy does not value or respect you. Break up
Is gift giving not in his culture?
He is not a good partner. He is not setting a good example for your children on how a man should treat his woman. Those are unhealthy relationship patterns.
It’s time for couples counseling and then probably a separation.
If he really cared about you and your feelings he would have gotten a little gift for you. You should let him know how you truly feel. If I were you I would leave him and find someone who will focus on the little and big things that make you happy, but that obviously depends on you and your happiness. I think you can do better tbh.
My ex husband didn’t get me a gift for Xmas once saying that I was ‘too materialistic’ 😂
I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten my wife a Christmas gift, nor her me.
It may feel bad to you, but you established last year you weren’t doing it, and didn’t clearly establish this year that you were.
Some people are gift givers, some people it feels like a chore. People are just different that way. Him not doing what you expected — especially after establishing it last year — doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care for you. It may just not be something he cares about, and may not have understood you did.
He is hopeless.get a better boy
Sell the tickets on an app