Hi everyone!
Sorry for having a long post, i wanted to keep it short but felt the need to put all the context cause im in very chaotic state of mind.
So, I’ve been having this insecurity about not having any kind of experience (like not even kissing) at my age and at some point it started to bother me a lot, at the same time I was very anxious about the fact that I also didn’t fall in love seriously, just never really met anyone. I always had boys around who were interested but I’ve never really liked them back. Maybe I have hight standards plus slightly avoidant nature due to self esteem problems.
So this year the problem became dramatic as I said and I started to go on dates, I’ve been on dates with 3 guys, didn’t like anyone really and than met him. He was really nice, sweet, good energy, good looking, lovely and kind person with morals, all perfect. We had nice first dates with great chemistry but at the 3rd date I just stopped feeling connected and we didn’t really had a flowy conversation which is important for me I think. So I just acted a bit distant I think and with no clear communication after we stopped talking.
We didn’t talk for about a month and than I had another anxiety period when I decided to text him cause he was so so nice and I was afraid something is wrong with me if I didn’t end up falling for such a good guy and that than I’ll stay single forever. I wanted to at least kiss with someone already. It was a bad reason to start seeing him again, I ignored my gut feeling and dived into it out of fear, I know. But things were nice again, we had a good date, kissed on the second date after the break and things started developing fast, we became exclusive during the kiss. I told him I didn’t have any sexual experience and he was super patient with sex, he was very caring and invested a lot of efforts in dating, treated me like a princess. But something still was feeling off, I didn’t feel completely comfortable next to him and always hesitated to understand whether I have feelings. In 1.5 months we ended up having sex, I wasn’t so sure about it, but we’ve been doing different stuffs already several times and I just decided to go for it even though in the moment I wasn’t so so sure. It was good, he was caring, we hugged a lot, he made sure I came several times and only pleased me with no expectations from my side and I mean we haven’t been in relationships yet but it wasn’t casual dating so it wasn’t a bad experience at all.
Than for another health reason on his side we didn’t have sex and kept not having it cause we started to have some conflicts that we couldn’t solve and I was getting more and more of hesitation regarding us, I was thinking to break up and I’m ashamed to say but I would break up quite easily if we didn’t already have sex. I know it’s stupid that one short sex meant so much to me that I even considered to stay with him since I anyway already started.
Few days ago we broke up with that guy and had a long warm talk during wich he said he didn’t have enough feelings. And even though I also didn’t have deep feelings I feel so much pain now. And I mean I know that I needed it, I would probably not calm down if I wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t already experience sex and all this physical things, I would think that something is wrong with me, that it’s not possible to want me, that I’m not attractive. But now I just feel like I betrayed myself and ended up in situation where I attached to the person I didn’t have strong feelings for and what is even worse he also didn’t have strong feelings for me, that’s why we didn’t end up in relationships and ended everything after 3 months of dating. Somehow the fact that he also didn’t develop deep feelings and decided not to continue makes it much worse, and more painful cause I anyway attached to him, he is even my first kiss and I know that he treated me very well, in bed as well
I don’t know why just fact of sex meant so much to me. Maybe cause I kinda took it as part of my personality that I will only have one partner in my life, but than I started to have that insecurity and rushed things.
I don’t know why but I feel so much regrets that I will not share this special first time experience with a man I love confidently and who I’m in relationships with. I’m not religious person, not from religious background or family (my mom doesn’t even understand why I worry so much about it and that there will be plenty of boys in my life), I didn’t plan to wait till marriage, I don’t think it value to my worth as women and I would never be with a man who thinks so and all that but I romanticise first sex a lot. I feel it’s very special and puts me in this vulnerable and soft position I would like to experience with a man. And now I feel I cannot be so gentle and vulnerable anymore cause I already experienced things. And I absolutely don’t want to have many sexual partners.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I had one very short real sex once so practically I would say I’m still inexperienced and closer to virgin, so I will still have many gentle and tender first experiences with my (I hope) next partner who I love but still I feel like I lost something special and shared it with someone I didn’t fully wanted to share it with but still did it out of fear and self pressure. More than that I didn’t even have real experience, it was just one sex and I cannot understand whether it’s good or bad for me. I’m so disappointed in myself now.
And I have a lot of anxiety about it, like do I throw away the lingerie I bought with him in mind…Bedsheets I bought for his first sleepover? How can I use it with another man, have sex in same bed, it feels off? How can I stop feeling so triggered and connect everything to him? How can I stop overthinking it?
I know it was good experience in the end, I now know that someone very nice can find me beautiful, attractive, hot and special (even though the fact that he ended up with not having feelings makes it way harder to see things positive) and I haven’t have to make such a big deal out of it but I do.
And I’m also now concerned that taking into consideration my approach to sex it will be very scary for me to not find a good sexual partner. Because I wouldn’t like to hurry with sex even after my first sexual experience and this guy was so good, so respectful but at the same time had such a nice masculine energy in bed. He always put my pleasure over his, always made sure I come many times, we’ve been very energy compatible and he did so many very specific things that I liked and he also liked it. Even though we had just one short awkward intercourse the rest was so so good, he really found me hot and attractive which was my big insecurity and I was afraid no one will. I have nothing to compare it with but I’m now afraid what if I won’t find such a partner anymore? It’s rare that it’s so good? I was even thinking to have just casual sex with him but this totally doesn’t make sense for my feelings. But now I have such a high expectations it scares me. I don’t want to ever experience that sex in my past was better.
I believe if you have a great chemistry and physical attraction, a lot of touches, nice kisses and personal is generally very passionate and respectful, attentive with you you will end up having great sex? How common is that to start having sex with someone just from foreplay sessions only just to check the energy and their behaviour towards you before having full scale sex?
Thank you for all your help!