i (21F) know majority of these issues are out of shame or insecurity of some sort, I’m mainly just posting this to see if anyone relates/has any advice that may help either of these issues, or may have an idea of what causes these mind blocks. i tried to go over everything that may be important information to really understand my circumstances, but if anything was missed or left unclear i’m more than happy to elaborate further.
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extreme pain when entering at any time, regardless of how long we’ve been going at it, if there’s lube, or going raw opposed to wearing a condom. thrusting is fine, but when he slips out and has to completely slide back in, it lights me up and not in a good way. this may be a issue caused by vaginismus, which i have been diagnosed with.
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i have no idea what i like. i’ve had sex with only 4 partners with more than +1 years apart from each other. of course i know what i like when i masturbate, but it doesn’t translate when someone else does it. i’m clueless on kinks as well. some kinks look fun, but the thought of having to tell someone or worse, they’re not into it, prevents me from saying anything at all.
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i’ve never been able to get in the ‘mindset’ with another person. i’ve been with men and women, and while i do get more ‘excited’ with women, i still can’t reach that point either. i’m constantly worrying about if i look attractive, if i sound like a beached whale gasping for air, if i’m tasting normal, if i look ‘normal’ down there, if they’re looking at my butthole.
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i did not grow up with an extremely religious family, i’ve never been assaulted, i was exposed to porn at a very young age but i don’t see how that would effect my relationship with sex in the way that it is.
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if you can’t already tell, i have issues with vulnerability and I’m extremely rejection sensitive. eye contact makes me uncomfortable; i can only do it briefly before I’m bombarded with the thought that i could be looking up at them in 2 different directions like I’m pennywise. having sex with the lights on is a genuine nightmare but asking for the lights to be off is even more embarrassing because I’m indirectly admitting to being insecure which is vulnerable and i just can’t bring myself to do that.
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i fake and pretend a lot. i’ve never faked an orgasm, simply because i wouldn’t be able to handle confrontation if they were to notice, but i do moan when it doesn’t feel good, or I’ll pretend it feels good when in reality it doesn’t feel like anything. this isn’t kind of me, and i know I’m encouraging bad sex but if i just lay there and wait for it to start feeling good we’ll be there all day. i love giving though, nothing gets me more than knowing im making my partner feel good. i know that i would be very hurt if someone did what i do to others to me, which adds guilt on top of everything 🫠.
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i don’t want to appear like i might just not be attracted to men, i am. i enjoy non sexual intimacy, and i enjoy spending time with men. I’ve had thoughts about possibly being asexual and pan-romantic but everything I’ve seen about asexuals says they don’t experience sexual attraction, and i do.
i know i should probably look into therapy instead of asking reddit, but reddit is a lot cheaper. and it’s easier to admit this anonymously online than to a real person. a lot of the things i’ve admitted to would categorize me as a bad partner and i acknowledge that, i want to change i just don’t know where to start or what even to do. any advice?