I’m 19F and my boyfriend is 19M. We’ve been dating for about two years, and are currently long distance while in college (about an hour apart). This is both of our first serious relationship.
We started dating near the end of high school, but have stayed together until now. Overall, he treats me extremely well. He is kind and caring, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. We have great conversations, and I feel that we really understand other/connect well. He doesn’t have any major red flags or anything “wrong” with him at all.
We don’t argue often, but we have reoccurring issues that mainly consist of: him feeling that I’m not putting enough effort in the relationship or me being self-destructive and assuming the worst of him. When we do argue, I feel like it’s mostly because of something I did. Whenever he has doubts about the relationship, I find that I fight really hard to save it, as the more unstable the relationship is, the more I fight for it (a common pattern in my past ones). However, when things are peaceful I sometimes feel too content, and start to desire more chaos and the validation that comes from on and off relationship dynamics.
Before dating him, I had unhealthy dynamics with men and being drawn to emotionally-unavailable people, causing me to develop a strong desire for attention & validation from men. I honestly feel as though I became addicted to the push-pull cycle that came with these emotionally unavailable men. My biggest concern is that these dynamics are still affecting me to this day. I’ve never been tempted to physically cheat, but I find that I often desire validation & attention from other men, to the point where I feel it’s bordering emotional cheating. I’ve talked to him about this before, but I don’t think he understands the extent of it.
I care a lot about him and our relationship, but I’m not sure if what I feel is romantic love or attachment/wanting to “be loved”. I also feel like he’s too good for me, and that he deserves someone better.
TL;DR: I (19F) am in a long-term committed relationship with boyfriend (19M), but am emotionally conflicted and unsure if my doubts come from past unhealthy relationship patterns or from not being in love.