We have been together since the very beginning of 2023. We have been inseparable from the day we met and we moved 150 miles away from home together due to cheap house prices and lack of/toxic family relationships at home. He became my family, I became his and the rest was history. Until almost 3 years in I got sent a screenshot of him on Grindr from a gay colleague. My whole world came crashing down, he moved out and that was it – we were no contact abruptly for about 3 weeks but I missed him so much. Since then we have been seeing eachother 1-3 times a week, we originally separated in September.
He had told me that the reason he was on Grindr was because he has issues with libido which existed before and during our relationship, and he wondered if it was driven by issues with his sexuality. He wanted to know how people know that they are gay. Which quite frankly I have never believed or understood. I have told him numerous times that I would be more understanding if he told me that he had thoughts about men that he wanted to understand better but he has said he has no attraction to men which just doesn’t sit right. But since September I have given him multiple grillings and his story remains the same.
My conundrum is that I genuinely can’t imagine my life without him. He doesn’t have any family so there’s a massive element of guilt and responsibility to take care of him, although he has reassured me that he was alone before me and he will cope just fine after me. But the thought of him with no support breaks my heart especially at Christmas.
The biggest driving force for me staying officially separated is the embarrassment. We work together so the vast majority of our colleagues know the ins and outs, and of course my family and friends know it all. On paper, I feel taking him back would be utterly shameful, and I would be setting a precedent for the way that he can treat me.
Also – it’s not only this. 1.5 years in when we had already moved 150 miles away from home to live together I found out he had a 14 year old son I had no idea about. There’s been multiple instances that have left me with a lack of trust.
It’s as if I have separated who I know him to be and who he has shown me that he is. I genuinely believe he has a good heart, but he had a very traumatic upbringing (which I can relate to, although not as severe) and so I have a lot of compassion for him and I feel that if he was raised in a more functional and supportive environment he would be a different person today
He is so funny, supportive, loving and an all round amazing person, despite the things he’s done to me over the couple years we have spent together. He has shown me patience, understanding, and love like I have never felt before. I too had a tough upbringing and he has made me feel protected and heard for the first time in my life, and made me realise that I am not as “unlovable” as I believed myself to be in the past which I will hold close to my heart forever.
Essentially, what I am looking for is for someone who is unbiased to let me know if I am truly delusional, or if I should give it another shot. I realise writing this I probably sound mad, I just can’t explain it. I know exactly what friends/family/colleagues would tell me, but I fear their opinion is only going to be negative and biased
Please go easy on me, but equally I want your true opinion
Thank you, and merry Christmas x
TL;DR he was caught on Grindr 3 years in. I want to forgive him but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake. We work together and the shame and embarrassment of colleagues/family/friends calling me a fool is what’s stopping me, I need advice.