TL;DR: My sister had a very strict upbringing and feels our parents held her back from pursuing what she really wanted. She now struggles professionally and emotionally, blames our parents—especially my mom—for her failures, and refuses to take responsibility for her own choices. Recent conflicts escalated during her bar exam retake, which she failed and now fully blames on my mom. I’m frustrated and don’t know how to deal with someone who sees herself only as a victim.
My sister had a rough upbringing. She needed something different from what my parents were able to give her. They were very strict with her and didn’t treat her with much empathy. She was picked on for not having good grades and for wanting friends outside our family’s community (we’re a migrant family). Her rebellion toward my parents was treated as something that needed to be “sanctioned,” rather than as a reason for them to reflect on their own behavior.
She had difficulties in school because she is extremely shy and insecure. We live in Germany, where you need top grades to enter medical school right after high school. She didn’t have those grades, so she wanted to move to the Netherlands, where you can take entrance exams instead. My parents didn’t allow her to move to another country at the time because they feared she would distance herself from the family forever.
Ever since then, she has never really found something that truly fulfills her. She ended up studying law, but she’s never been particularly strong at it. She passed the bar exam, but she struggles to stand her ground when challenged, which makes things harder for her professionally.
Long story short: she decided to retake the bar exam (in Germany, you can retake it once after passing to improve your grade). During the two weeks of exams, my mom helped her with everything—from laundry and cleaning to preparing meals. However, during those two weeks they kept getting into arguments.
According to my sister, my mom wants her to break up with her boyfriend and therefore looks for any reason to criticize her. My mom, on the other hand, says my sister is so tense that she takes everything personally and twists other people’s words to fit her own narrative. That narrative is that she would have succeeded on her own if my parents hadn’t held her back, and that she is always the victim.
She failed all parts of the retake. Objectively, it doesn’t cost her anything since she had already passed before. But according to her, she could have achieved a very good grade if she hadn’t been fighting with my mom the entire time. She even called my mom to blame her and tell her she was done with her—while my mom was at my grandmother’s house, who is so sick that she might pass away any day now.
I truly don’t understand how someone can feel this much rage or blame others for everything all the time. What do you say to someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions? I’m so frustrated and would appreciate some advice.