I (37M)'ve been with my SO (34F) for 12 years now. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
We've always been best friends on top of our relationship. And the relationship was great : lots of communication, very few fights that we managed really well so they wouldn't happen again.
We also have an awesome synergy, both coming from toxic relationship, having low self esteem, but trying our best to help the other heal up. And as said it worked, and still works well.
In the last few years, she began to take antidepressants, which killed her sex drive as a side effect. Sex was never the most important aspect of our relationship so it was… Manageable. Not easy at all, but manageable.
However after dozens and dozens of time of me trying to initiate things, and she wasn't in the mood (which I of course 100% respect), to protect myself (again, low self esteem, with your SO saying that she isn't interested in sex, hurt, even if I know it's not againt me, and even if we talked about it), I was less initiating, and less overall affectionnate. Which in turn, hurt her, because she too felt less desired. But we managed to find a middle point, with still a bit less show of affection than before.
During the 4 next years, we talked about it quite often, and she said that since her sex drive is really low, if I don't initiate things, nothing will ever happen. So I tried, each time for a few weeks. And nothing happened, and again, it hurt my self esteem (I'd love to have total control over that damn thing !).
And after each time, the "middle point" we found (or at least that I could manage) was with less affection.
This until last time, where we talked again, where I tried again, got "Not in the mood, sorry", after dozens of times of me trying to initiate intimate moments.
And this time, something "broke" in me, and suddenly, I didn't desire any affection from her. No hug, no kissing, no sex, nothing. It's been a few months, and no changes. And I've come to the realisation I don't love her in a romantic way anymore. I still think she is great, I wish her the best in life, I'd do a lot to help her, and we spend a lot of time together because we still have lots of stuff in common. But my feelings for her are that of an awesome friend, and that it's.
Unfortunately, she feels it, and even if I try to still be the best SO I can, I'm romantically further than ever, however much I try to hide it (to not hurt her, and hoping to repair the situation).
And as said, she is great, and wasn't passive at all during this time. She went to see a professionnal to work on her sex drive, she changed her antidepressant hoping to have less side effects, to no avail. And as much as I try to tell her it's not her fault she has a non existant sex drive now. And as much as she tries to understand why I manage, not very well, but the best I can my self esteem in that situation.
So, here is my question Ô wise redditors : what could I do to fall back in love (and ideally find a way to better deal with this situation) ? I try to be romantic (and she does too !) with dates, frequent little shows of care, being there for each other. But at the end of the day, and against my will, I don't love her anymore.
TLDR : The absence of a sex life in the past few years killed my love for my SO, and I'd like to keep this great relationship otherwise.